Tuesday 12th June 2012
The day dawned drizzly and overcast and once the Hughes chalet had liaised with Matinee, the Lantern was allowed to go back to bed. “I’m not getting soaked again” seemed to be the prevailing sentiment.
Apart from Messrs Craig, Gladys and the Candle who braved the murk and the drizzle and set off to do the “balcony” road. This is a road that is reached by cycling up Alpe D’Huez for the first five hairpins and then turning right. The road is “bolted onto the side of the mountain and affords a stunning view of the Romanche valley. Eventually if you follow the road you come out in La Freney which is a couple of kilometres below Lake Chambon.
Once they reached the valley road the weather picked up tremendously and soon they were climbing the Alpe in sunshine (or that’s what the told us!!). After a stunning ride of some thirty odd miles our intrepid trio returned to Bourg for a spot of lunch. On the ride back Gladys announced he was going to ride up to the Col du Lauterat where he would encounter Coppi and the Lantern (more of this later). Craig and the Candle both said “Feck that” and rode back to camp.
Meanwhile back at camp the morning had progressed along the lines of sunshine and showers and Matinee had decided it was a day off for him and the Lantern. Matinee subsequently spent most of the afternoon working on his tan (easy there ladies) and ploughing through “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” (Its very good if you haven’t read it - but remember to read the other two first!!).
Ron and Chris made the decision early afternoon to go and ride the “balcony” road themselves. Apart from the fact that they dodged the showers I don’t really know what happened though I think its safe to assume that Ron attacked at some point on the ride back (my notes say he didn’t but I can‘t believe that!!)!!
The Lantern offered to take Coppi up to see the Col du Galibier assuming his bladder could withstand the approx 37Km car ride to get there. The road up is quite scenic and the air was punctured from time to time by an awestruck “No way” as the peleton’s answer to Hinge and Bracket made their way up to the Col du Lauterat.
Coppi made the somewhat rash decision that his bladder would hold whilst they drove the 8km from the Col du Lauterat up to the Galibier. Soon the car was moving through snow banks with stunning views (as well as a startlingly steep drop) on one side. Coppi, camera whirring like David Bailey, was clicking away like, well, his hip.
By the top Coppi posed for a picture by the Henry Desgrange memorial. I think the cold up there (it was 2 degrees according to the car!!) must have affected him for he suddenly announced a desperate urge for a piss. “There’s no one around go behind the memorial” the lantern said. No sooner had Coppi scuttled crab-like behind the memorial and starting relieving himself (not an image you want to keep is it) than a dozen German bikers turned up and started posing for photos round the front. I can just imagine that they’ll get more than they bargained for when they get the photos back - they might be slightly over exposed!! Next minute a skier appears from Coppi’s right and skies right past him before falling over. Apparently yellow snow isn’t so good for skiing on…….
By now snow was starting to fall quite vigorously and the Lantern drove Coppi off the mountain with Coppi muttering under his breath “No f**king way would I climb this on a bike”. On the descent Coppi saw a marmot and his day was complete.
After Coppi had recovered from his near frostbite with a coffee - don’t think the waiter had ever seen one dunked in a coffee cup before…….. - the plucky duo began their descent where they encountered Gladys so they turned round and gave him a lift back from the top.
On the journey back Coppi got a text off Ron “Bring beer” so we had to divert via the supermarket. It subsequently transpired that they’d got through 72 bottles to that point in the week. Quote from Coppi “I’ve only had four!!”.
Back at camp Matinee had acquired the Petanque from the campsite and various combinations of Chris, Ron, the Candle, Matinee and the Lantern did battle for a couple of hours. Ron, who it must be said picked the game up quick, threw one of his balls very close to the jack. “That’s got good legs” said Chris at the precise moment Coppi lurched into view; “Unlike your brother” deadpanned Matinee.
Wednesday 13th June 2012
Matinee was up early and chomping at the bit ready for tackling the balcony road. The Lantern wasn’t quite so perky (possibly a slight understatement) and was thinking maybe he should have gone yesterday as the big ride was scheduled for tomorrow.
Anyway they went and the Lantern suffered like a dog up the Alpe and he decided if he felt like that tomorrow he’d be lucky to make it down to Bourg never mind up the Croix du Fer. On the balcony road Matinee stopped to watch an eagle (Don Henley apparently). As he and the Lantern reached the end of the road where the mountain above you drops away an eagle (possibly the same one but it did look more like Joe Walsh) glided in from the left on a thermal about ten feet above them. It was a magnificent site and the lads knew just how to do the moment justice “After three; one, two, three……..NO WAY!!!”.
After a nice extra climb up to Auris (which Matinee had found on the map) which was unfortunately closed (literally - the whole place was “ferme”) they made their way down to La Freney where they found a very nice roadside café serving steak and chips; Matinee even managed half a bottle of Rose. Well we were on holiday after all!!
The sun shone down and it was a very pleasant interlude before returning to base.
Craig, Gladys and the Candle had decreed a day off for themselves and headed off to Briancon for a bit of sightseeing and, in the case of Craig and the Candle, a bit of sunburn. Belisha beacons spring to mind and if you’ve seen the photos you’ll know what I mean. On their return to base the intrepid trio hopped on their bikes and cycled ten miles down the road before stopping off at the pub on the way back. Well we were on holiday after all!!
Coppi decided to have another crack at La Barade aided by his two brothers. Coppi opted to ride the whole way rather than get driven up the first climb. By his own admission he suffered a bit (okay okay like a dog) but he persevered and made it to the top under his own steam. Another great achievement given the length of time he was off the bike. It really is a stunning ride with breath-taking views. Coppi high on achievement (and paracetamol, anadin, ibruphen, co-codomol, syndol, panadol, kapeke, pro plus, morphine and opium….to name a few) attacked the descent with gusto and very nearly paid the price. Taking a bend far too fast, he reckoned it was only the steel in his hip acting as a counterweight that kept him on the road.
That night plans were discussed for the next day. Coppi, mindful of not over extending himself, was planning on doing the balcony road on his own.
Craig, Gladys, the Candle, Chris, Ron and Matinee were all up for the big three - Croix de Fer, Telegraphe & Galibier.
The Lantern? Well he’d see how he felt on the Croix de fer tomorrow.
Thursday 14 June 2012
The day dawned sunny and bright, unlike the Lantern, who has never been good in the morning. The peleton set off just before 8am for what promised to be an epic day in the saddle.
The peleton that day being everyone bar Coppi who had taken the decision that he’d do the Balcony road on his own rather than slow the group up on the Croix de fer. By his account he slogged up the first five hairpins on alpe d’Huez but agreed it had been worth it. Coppi said he had sat on the wall and looked out across the valley and drunk in the views, topped up his tan and reflected on how much he had achieved on his bike during the holiday. He did not see an eagle though.
The main group reached the bottom of the Croix de Fer without too much incident and splintered as people began to climb at their own pace. Craig was first up the road followed by Gladys and the Candle riding together. The Lantern was next on the road but he could hear the Hughes brothers and Matinee behind him as they caught him following their world record breaking piss stop. The Lantern climbing steadily (and not bad for a fatty) found his legs feeling much better than yesterday and found himself at Le Molard (where you can fill up your bottles) almost before he knew it. Last time he climbed this Col he’d had about three stops by then!! The Hughes brothers and Matinee caught up and then the Lantern forged ahead again as Matinee and Chris; who were standing in for Coppi; needed another piss.
Eventually the Hughes brothers and Matinee caught the Lantern and they rode together round the hairpins that lead up to the grandly titled Lac de Grand Maison where the whole group came back together as Craig had stopped to take some pictures. The Candle had apparently missed the water trough to fill your bottles and gratefully accepted half a bidon from the Lantern (and downed it with more gusto than a wino with a bottle of meths!!).
After barely posing for the photographer the peleton summitted the Croix de fer and set about ordering lunch (and very nice it was too).
Suitably refreshed the peleton began the long descent (with the odd ascent thrown in) off the Croix de fer towards Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne. Those of you who watched the Tour stage last Thursday (Stage 11 in 2012 Tour) will be familiar with the first part of the descent. The upper slopes were quite twisty and the group split into two groups with the Candle (now fortified by coffee) appearing to have shaken off his sluggish demeanour as he rocketed down the descent with Chris and Craig hanging onto his coat tails. The rest of the group came down at a steadier pace. Eventually the road came to a right fork for the Mollard (“it’s not that way” chimed Matinee); the left fork ramped upwards (“it can’t be that way for f**ks sake, we’re supposed to be on a descent“, chimed everyone else!!!).
Gladys rode up the road and confirmed to the doubters in the 2nd group on the road that yes it was time to go uphill again. This was a quite a lot of uphill and included a couple of tunnels before the distant sound of the Candle going wheeeeeeeee suggested the descent was about to begin again.
During this part of the descent the Lantern made his way up towards the front and soon he was closing his eyes behind Chris, as Chris had several near misses with the oncoming traffic (and before the Candle gets too smug I’ve seen the footage of his descent and there was this blue car…..). Passing Craig on the way down the intrepid duo then passed a black 4X4 type car thingy which was apparently filming us descending - however people get their kicks……
All too soon the road ramped up again and the peleton regrouped at a junction before flying down into S-J-d-M. The town was a bit of a bugger to get through but soon enough the peleton had cleared it and were riding parallel to the motorway towards Saint-Michel-de-Maurienne. The peleton were rolling along quite nicely but the Candle was still, somewhat unusually, struggling to hold the pace. God only knows what thoughts he was harbouring with the Telegraphe and the Galibier to come shortly after we passed through the town.
I’m sure you all know by now that it took quite a while to pass through S-M-d-M due to Craig suffering a freak accident. I won’t go into the details as everybody’s heard about it by now. Suffice to say it was a freak accident and he probably couldn’t pick that piece of metal up again if he tried. As it was, a whip round was had to ensure he had enough euros to get to the local hospital for a check up. The Candle agreed to stay in S-M-d-M with the bikes and Gladys was dispatched to finish the ride and retrieve the car and come back for his colleagues. That may seem strange but there really was no other alternative - a taxi would be too expensive from there and no one thought Coppi would drive over the Galibier (a definite ‘NO WAY’ we all agreed).
Gladys gamely set off and was soon lost to view. His Garmin stats show he covered 109 miles in 9hrs 33 minutes of riding. What it doesn’t tell you is how impressive that was as he didn’t have a café stop and ran out of water - the image of a desperate cyclist with fantastic sideburns desperately trying to fill his bottle from a mountain stream on the Galibier will stay long in the memory - and we weren’t even there!!
The remaining four riders - Matinee, Chris, Ron and Silky decided to push on and try and finish the ride.
I think I speak for all when I say that the ride lost something with Craig’s crash. This was his ride; he pushed it for months and persuaded the rest of us to give it a go. Thankfully the Lantern received a text whist on the Galibier confirming no major injuries and both Craig and the Candle did subsequently conquer the Stelvio the weekend following this crash. As the French would say “Chapeau”.
As Matinee, Chris, Ron and the Lantern trundled out of S-M-d-M they were greeted by a sign that said Col du Telegraphe 11Km; Col du Galibier 36KM. Ron spoke for all when he said “Need to dig deep and make sure we all get back together”. Matinee said “I calculate if we climb at 5 - 6 mph we’ll be on top of the Galibier at 7pm; it was about 2:45pm when he said it. Suddenly this was serious and a few of us thought “Jeez we/I might not make this”.
And so we trundled up the scenic slopes of the Telegraphe; Matinee up front; Ron someway behind and Chris pacing the Lantern up somewhere behind him. Ron said later he found the Telegraphe harder than the Galibier but the Lantern didn’t!! Yes it was hot and yes it was steep but he and Chris trundled up it very nicely thank you. Matinee stopped for a piss and noticed a road kill Snickers bar which had no doubt slipped out of an unfortunate rider’s back pocket. He stooped creakily and pocketed himself, you never know.
The climb is actually 11.8Km long, gaining 856m in height, average gradient is 7.3% with a maximum of 9.8% just near the summit.
Thankfully there was a café on top to hide from the heat and refuel on coke (the drink for anyone “sniffing” a drug story!!) and croque monsieur. The view was fantastic (as you’ll see when someone bothers to put photos up) but the group were oddly subdued as we knew that the biggest challenge was still to come. This was serious stuff now.
After a 4.8Km descent to Valloire (which looked lovely) the group headed out of town onto the lower slopes of the Galibier. I won’t bore you with pages of how hard it was; we all know that anyway. Suffice to say from Valloire it is 18.1Km; average 6.9% and the maximum of 10.1% is again just below the summit. You’ll have seen the picture of Matinee, Chris & Ron on the top (and yes it does look like their carer is just out of shot I know) and the Lantern rolled in sometime later - it was about 6:50pm.
After the descent down to the Col du Lautaret the group stopped for coffee and crepes although the Lantern couldn’t face his crepe so he had the road kill snickers the matinee had picked up on the Telegraphe. The mood now was much jollier; we’d done it!! It was more or less down hill all the way back from there. The 34 or so kilometres left passed in a bit of a blur with the four intrepid Crapis still doing through and off at over 30mph in parts. It would have brought a tear to the Patron’s eye.
Gladys passed in the car heading to pick up Craig and the Candle and the group acknowledged the 100 mile mark when it came. The three tunnels on the descent were negotiated without incident although Ron did launch himself through the longest one like the Roadrunner on speed!!
The Lantern arrived at the turning for Venosc to find Coppi and the car; a welcome sight. “Bit of a problem mate” he said “I can’t find the keys for the bike locks; I’ll have to take one of you and come back for the rest”. When Chris arrived and we relayed this information to him he replied “Of course you won’t they are in my glasses case in my room”. “But you’ve just spoken to him and asked him to pick us up…..” the Lantern started to say and then remembered it was the Hughes brothers he was dealing with!!!!
As it turned out Chris and Ron rode back to camp; Ron confessed he’d been holding a bit back in case we were racing at the end. Compare that to his earlier “dig deep and stick together comment”.
So it was that Coppi took the wheels off the Lantern’s bike and squeezed Matinee and the Lantern in for the trip back to camp.
All in all an epic day and one which we all said we were glad to have done, just don’t ask us to do it again!!! The day was made even more epic when Gladys turned up the next day with news that we’d done over 14,100 ft of climbing on the ride!!! Looking back now the Lantern for one could probably be persuaded to give it another go…….just not for a while yet.
Friday 15 June 2012
Well what can you say about the day after an epic ride like that? Not a lot really. The day was mostly concerned with getting ready for departure the next day and checking on Craig’s condition. However, everyone agreed to have a meal at the site restaurant that night.
Ron, in true Ron style, got lost on his way to the restaurant that he had walked past everyday that week!!! Candle and the Matinee ordered snails, much to the Hughes brothers disgust. Craig’s assertion that you could eat garden snails but needed to feed them on carrots until their poo was orange didn’t help either.
Coppi was recounting his ride on the Balcony road to Matinee, the Candle and the Lantern. “He could have been carried off by an eagle and no one would know what’d happened” we ventured. “With his bike still attached via his cleats”. “Imagine the headline; Welsh cyclist disappears - no clues!!!”. “The eagle would crack his beak when he tried to eat the bike and Coppi’s screws though”. “He’d have a lisp then wouldn’t he?”. “His feathered descendants would do the same, and eventually someone would get funding to study the mysterious lisping eagles of the alpes”. “They’d find the bike in the eyrie, with pristine white tyres still pumped up” “Headline: Mysterious disappearance of Welsh cyclist solved!!!”. Well, we were in a good mood.
The meal was the perfect end to a great holiday; swapping stories around the big table. Gladys rounded off the meal with some rum and raisin ice cream - “contains alcohol” said the menu. When it arrived it was basically vanilla ice cream with raisins thrown on top and enough rum poured over the mixture to make Galdys’ eyes water.
Goodbyes were said as Craig’s car was heading to Italy and the Stelvio whilst the other two were travelling home to Wales.
Saturday 16 June 2012
The day passed off relatively without incident though one exchange is worthy of note. The Lantern asked Coppi if he was planning on driving that day. “No” replied Coppi; Chris chipped in with “He’s got an important job; he’s our navigator”. When the Lantern got back to his car he relayed this to Matinee. “You know what that entails” the Lantern asked. “What?” asked Matinee. “They follow us out of the camp, Coppi extends his arm and says “follow that car” before promptly falling asleep for four hours, safe in the knowledge he’d done his job”.
The cars split when we entered North Wales and the Lantern took Matinee home to his wife whilst the brothers Hughes returned to Rhostyllen.
To sum up it was a fantastic trip; had Craig not had the misfortune to crash I think it would have been perfect. Star of the show - Coppi for me without a doubt. To do what he did after the accident he had was truly amazing - chapeau to you sir. To everyone else thanks for making it a very special trip and I say “chapeau” to you all.
Until the next time………..
Monday, 16 July 2012
Friday, 29 June 2012
Off The Back Episode 1 - Coppi’s French Adventure
As he lay howling at the roadside on that bleak December day with his brothers telling him he’d only bruised his hip, Alpe D’huez seemed an awful long way away for Dave “Coppi” Hughes. The account that follows is a true (well mostly) account of Coppi’s first trip more than 20 miles from Rhostyllen since he was a young man referred to as “Herby” for reasons now thankfully shrouded in swathes of wacky backie smoke……..
The supporting cast to this epic adventure comprised of Matinee Idol, Coppi’s muscle - Chris and Ron, Gladys, Craig, the Candle and the Lantern.
Along the way you’ll laugh, cry and sometimes think “Hang on, Coppi’s not had a mention for ages”!!
Friday 8th June 2012
The first shock for the Lantern at bang on 6.30am on a somewhat blustery morning was the fact that the Hughes brothers (Coppi, Chris and Ron) managed to find Matinee’s house without le Patron to guide them. Coppi immediately bolted from the back of his own car to grab a piss stop at chez Matinee.
Chris, ever in thrall to machines of any type, handed Matinee a walkie talkie and said they could use them to keep in touch between the two cars. What a great idea...
By the time we stopped for Matinee's first cappuccino of the day at the M6 Toll services it was the furthest Coppi had been in his car since 1972!! His tanned complexion somehow contriving to look wan as he rocketed out of the car and headed off towards the toilets.
During the next leg of the journey Matinee and the Lantern decided to change the route to go down the M11, as the M25 was blocked. “We’ll stop at Thurrock services to fuel up and change drivers” Matinee said. “Lets try the walkie talkie” suggested Matinee; no response (apparently they hadn’t turned theirs on!!). Suddenly “Lost in France” came on the radio. “Quick ring Ron and say we’ve phoned in a special request for him” suggested the Lantern. Matinee duly rang the directionally challenged brother, much to the amusement of everyone else.
Possibly we expected a little too much of Coppi, for no sooner had his car rolled to a halt at Thurrock services than he was heading off furtively towards the car-park bushes, tugging at his flies. Thankfully Matinee pointed him in the direction of the toilet block a mere 20 yards away and an arrest for indecent exposure was avoided. Bladder emptied the lads trundled the 300 metres or so to the Thurrock petrol pumps to fuel up. Just as Ron returned to the car, Coppi made a sharp exit and made for the shop. “A paper maybe” mused Matinee but no, Coppi’s determined hobble took him straight through the shop. “Surely he’s not going for a……..” began the Lantern but he was….. Ronnie's face was a picture.
Disappointment at Dover as the ferry was delayed for an hour and a half due to the weather. I won’t say it was choppy on the way over but Coppi was walking perfectly normally as the boat listed back and forth. This meant it would be late when we reached the hotel in Dole (and so it proved - 10.30pm) but the journey in France passed largely without incident. I say largely the Hughes brothers did admit to losing the lead car at one of the Peages. Apparently Matinee had put his glasses on and they didn’t recognise him……. The fact that it was the only black Fiesta with a GB sticker on the back and a Trek and a Bianchi on the roof appeared to have escaped their notice…… After unpacking at the hotel, Robbo cracked open a cool box of beers and the boys sat outside until past midnight, pondering the adventures that lay ahead...
The first day was over and Coppi was yet to take a turn behind the wheel; probably easing himself in gently the Lantern thought.
Saturday 9th June 2012
With only about 220 miles left to cover the lads had a later start from normal and it was gone 8am when they left the plusher than expected hotel. The third car containing Craig, the Candle and Gladys was speeding down a parallel motorway and; after travelling through the night via the tunnel; they were ahead on the road.
Coppi finally took the wheel for the last 30 miles or so after Grenoble which was also probably the hardest 30 miles to drive in France!! To be fair anyone could have missed that kerb and, to be fair, the car landed again almost immediately but Dave had just earned himself one of several new nicknames acquired during the week - Kerby (but no the car didn’t have number 53 on its side).
The rest of the day was given over to sorting out the bikes, shopping and settling in. It is worth noting in passing that on Chris and Ron’s previous trip over their shopping trolley was somewhat sparsely populated. Not this time baby!! Judging by the contents they weren’t just staying for the week, they were staying on to watch the Tour!!!
Sunday 10th June 2012
The day of Coppi’s debut ride in the alps was upon us. Matinee's plan was to go up Alpe D’huez, over the Col de Sarenne dropping down to lake Chambon (average depth 18.6 metres or 61 feet to me and you) before climbing Les Deux Alpes (for those who felt like it). Despite having enough drugs to open his own chemist shop (two more nicknames were earned during the week - The Pharmacist and Dr Fuentes) Coppi had chosen to attack the Alpe without drugs (he was to sorely regret this). Maybe he just wanted to keep the weight down.
At the bottom of the climb everyone went their own way with the Lantern riding along with Coppi. Coppi’s catchphrase, which would become the stuff of legend by the end of the week, was uttered as the steepness of that first ramp made itself felt in his legs - “No way”!!!!
At the first hairpin photos were taken of Coppi posing below the plaque that bore the name of his namesake who won the first ascent up Alpe D’Huez sixty years ago (incidentally in 1952 it was also the first mountain top finish and the first years motorcycle TV crews came to the race). After that, Coppi and the Lantern continued their climb up the mountain with encouragement from both the Hughes brothers; Chris even throwing in some commentary as he recorded Coppi on his ipod.
Soon the others departed and the Lantern was left as the only witness to the battle that raged between Coppi and the Alpe. Halfway up things were looking like they could go either way; especially when Coppi nearly fell down the mountainside whilst having an obligatory piss stop
Gradually the man conquered the mountain and Coppi; pausing only occasionally to utter “No way” as they next stretch of road reared up before him; found his rhythm and continued his ride to victory.
As they passed through the village of Huez, Coppi noticed mass was to be held at 18:00hrs that night. He would later slip back and give a prayer of thanks to the spirit of Coppi who surely helped him conquer the Alpe. As he lit a candle the flame flickered and he heard an unearthly voice tell him “Dave my son I will give you the will to climb the Croix de Fer on Thursday with your brothers”. Dave looked out over the mountain; took a deep sigh and then replied “NO WAY!!!!!!”.
Gladys came back down to keep the two slow coaches company (or possibly to check we weren’t dead) and soon he was coaching Dave in the best pose to strike for the cameras. Coppi remembered Matinee had said the best pictures were standing up in the saddle and going for it…..so he did. Unfortunately he went about 10 yards too early, and by the time the photographer stated clicking Coppi was laughing at his own miscalculation. Amazingly this resulted in some cracking photos although they missed the one of Coppi slumped over his bike 10 seconds later.
Coppi arrived at the café to genuine delight from the rest of the Crapis present. He slumped into his chair; looked at the Lantern and said “I thought you and Allan were joking about how hard it was. That’s the hardest mountain I’ve ever climbed”. Ronnie looked at him and said deadpan “Let’s see how you get on with the next two”. Coppi looked mournful and confessed he’d love a gel but he’d only bought two on the ride and he’d had them by hairpin three!!
Having eaten about half his lunch and been for piss number 67 of the day, the peleton set off through Alpe D’Huez and towards the Col de Sarenne. By this stage Coppi was bitterly regretting his lack of drugs as the efforts of the morning and the bumpy road started to play havoc with his hip.
Chris, Ron and Matinee took station keeping Coppi company on this Col. When the Lantern summited he was met by Craig who said “Coppi’s doing well” pointing to a figure some 100 yards from the summit. “That’s not Coppi” the Lantern wheezed and proceeded to track his arm through a one hundred & eighty degree arc before pointing at a figure considerably further down the climb “That’s Coppi!!”.
The descent off the Sarenne is very twisty and bumpy and Coppi suffered like a dog on the descent; each bump bringing a fresh wave of pain coursing through his body. In consultation with Gladys (who kindly helped keep an eye on the obviously in pain Coppi) and the Lantern it was decided that Coppi would give Les Deux Alpes a miss and ride straight back to camp. Accompanied the majority of the way by Gladys who fancied another crack at Alpe D'Huez (the masochistic sod managed it as well!!).
To be serious for a moment we all think it was a superb effort by Coppi to climb these two mountains on his first day in the Alps. Coppi being his own harshest critic (well maybe second after Ron) initially focused on what he hadn’t achieved but soon came to appreciate the magnitude of his achievement.
This left messrs Craig, Ron, Chris, Matinee, Candle and the Lantern to negotiate the climb up to the Alpe. About halfway up (at least for the Lantern) it started to rain and soon it was coming down quite hard. At the top the village appeared to be completely ferme, and without even managing to refill bottles it was announced that we were heading straight down again.
The Candle proceeded to drop off the side of the mountain followed closely by the Lantern which the rest of the bunch took things more sedately. Apart from Ron who set another record to go with his longest time to ascend Alpe D’Huez on his last visit (27 hours 2 minutes) which was slowest descent.
Given the time gaps on the ascent everybody made it back to base in drips and drabs but the main thing was everyone got back in one piece. All agreed it had been a hard first ride apart from Coppi, who only managed a feeble “Grazie” when passed his morphine tablets.
Monday 11th June 2012
Today was billed as a recovery ride; only being a 24 mile round trip to La Bararde. “That’s not how I remember it” grumbled the Lantern as Chris and Ron explained to Coppi that he’d be fine “There’s a bit of a drag; a flat section and then another drag then pretty even” they told him.
The sheer ineptitude of his brother’s memory cells soon became apparent to Coppi who, with no chance to warm up, struggled on the steep opening climb as his hip made its objections known. Just before the first plateau he had to turn back and not even the Lantern’s thinly disguised lies “We’re nearly there honest mate” could persuade him. Ron defied his reputation for trying to bury anyone who’s struggling by riding back down to the camp when informed Coppi had gone back so Coppi could get in the chalet. Whisper it quietly, but I think he may be human……..
Again everyone took the climb at their own pace & Craig and the Candle ended up riding up together whilst Chris and Matinee; who had waited for news of Coppi; slugged it out on the ascent before Matinee finally won out somewhere near the top. The Lantern struggled along before being joined by Gladys, who had stopped to take pictures, for a very pleasant ride and chat up to the café. Ron, for once, had to be content to bring up the rear following his mercy mission.
Descending in the dry proved a lot easier for most of the peleton apart from Gladys who was with the Candle and the Lantern entering St Christophe but two bends below the village was no where in sight. Despite claiming to not have touched his brakes on the descent he managed a top speed of 36mph compared to the Candle & Lantern’s 48mph (Yes I know I’m a fatty but even so……).
Following a shower and a quick fettle with the bikes most of the peleton then retired to Bourg for that classic combination - a visit to the bike shop and a beer!!
Part deux will follow shortly.......
The supporting cast to this epic adventure comprised of Matinee Idol, Coppi’s muscle - Chris and Ron, Gladys, Craig, the Candle and the Lantern.
Along the way you’ll laugh, cry and sometimes think “Hang on, Coppi’s not had a mention for ages”!!
Friday 8th June 2012
The first shock for the Lantern at bang on 6.30am on a somewhat blustery morning was the fact that the Hughes brothers (Coppi, Chris and Ron) managed to find Matinee’s house without le Patron to guide them. Coppi immediately bolted from the back of his own car to grab a piss stop at chez Matinee.
Chris, ever in thrall to machines of any type, handed Matinee a walkie talkie and said they could use them to keep in touch between the two cars. What a great idea...
By the time we stopped for Matinee's first cappuccino of the day at the M6 Toll services it was the furthest Coppi had been in his car since 1972!! His tanned complexion somehow contriving to look wan as he rocketed out of the car and headed off towards the toilets.
During the next leg of the journey Matinee and the Lantern decided to change the route to go down the M11, as the M25 was blocked. “We’ll stop at Thurrock services to fuel up and change drivers” Matinee said. “Lets try the walkie talkie” suggested Matinee; no response (apparently they hadn’t turned theirs on!!). Suddenly “Lost in France” came on the radio. “Quick ring Ron and say we’ve phoned in a special request for him” suggested the Lantern. Matinee duly rang the directionally challenged brother, much to the amusement of everyone else.
Possibly we expected a little too much of Coppi, for no sooner had his car rolled to a halt at Thurrock services than he was heading off furtively towards the car-park bushes, tugging at his flies. Thankfully Matinee pointed him in the direction of the toilet block a mere 20 yards away and an arrest for indecent exposure was avoided. Bladder emptied the lads trundled the 300 metres or so to the Thurrock petrol pumps to fuel up. Just as Ron returned to the car, Coppi made a sharp exit and made for the shop. “A paper maybe” mused Matinee but no, Coppi’s determined hobble took him straight through the shop. “Surely he’s not going for a……..” began the Lantern but he was….. Ronnie's face was a picture.
Disappointment at Dover as the ferry was delayed for an hour and a half due to the weather. I won’t say it was choppy on the way over but Coppi was walking perfectly normally as the boat listed back and forth. This meant it would be late when we reached the hotel in Dole (and so it proved - 10.30pm) but the journey in France passed largely without incident. I say largely the Hughes brothers did admit to losing the lead car at one of the Peages. Apparently Matinee had put his glasses on and they didn’t recognise him……. The fact that it was the only black Fiesta with a GB sticker on the back and a Trek and a Bianchi on the roof appeared to have escaped their notice…… After unpacking at the hotel, Robbo cracked open a cool box of beers and the boys sat outside until past midnight, pondering the adventures that lay ahead...
The first day was over and Coppi was yet to take a turn behind the wheel; probably easing himself in gently the Lantern thought.
Saturday 9th June 2012
With only about 220 miles left to cover the lads had a later start from normal and it was gone 8am when they left the plusher than expected hotel. The third car containing Craig, the Candle and Gladys was speeding down a parallel motorway and; after travelling through the night via the tunnel; they were ahead on the road.
Coppi finally took the wheel for the last 30 miles or so after Grenoble which was also probably the hardest 30 miles to drive in France!! To be fair anyone could have missed that kerb and, to be fair, the car landed again almost immediately but Dave had just earned himself one of several new nicknames acquired during the week - Kerby (but no the car didn’t have number 53 on its side).
The rest of the day was given over to sorting out the bikes, shopping and settling in. It is worth noting in passing that on Chris and Ron’s previous trip over their shopping trolley was somewhat sparsely populated. Not this time baby!! Judging by the contents they weren’t just staying for the week, they were staying on to watch the Tour!!!
Sunday 10th June 2012
The day of Coppi’s debut ride in the alps was upon us. Matinee's plan was to go up Alpe D’huez, over the Col de Sarenne dropping down to lake Chambon (average depth 18.6 metres or 61 feet to me and you) before climbing Les Deux Alpes (for those who felt like it). Despite having enough drugs to open his own chemist shop (two more nicknames were earned during the week - The Pharmacist and Dr Fuentes) Coppi had chosen to attack the Alpe without drugs (he was to sorely regret this). Maybe he just wanted to keep the weight down.
At the bottom of the climb everyone went their own way with the Lantern riding along with Coppi. Coppi’s catchphrase, which would become the stuff of legend by the end of the week, was uttered as the steepness of that first ramp made itself felt in his legs - “No way”!!!!
At the first hairpin photos were taken of Coppi posing below the plaque that bore the name of his namesake who won the first ascent up Alpe D’Huez sixty years ago (incidentally in 1952 it was also the first mountain top finish and the first years motorcycle TV crews came to the race). After that, Coppi and the Lantern continued their climb up the mountain with encouragement from both the Hughes brothers; Chris even throwing in some commentary as he recorded Coppi on his ipod.
Soon the others departed and the Lantern was left as the only witness to the battle that raged between Coppi and the Alpe. Halfway up things were looking like they could go either way; especially when Coppi nearly fell down the mountainside whilst having an obligatory piss stop
Gradually the man conquered the mountain and Coppi; pausing only occasionally to utter “No way” as they next stretch of road reared up before him; found his rhythm and continued his ride to victory.
As they passed through the village of Huez, Coppi noticed mass was to be held at 18:00hrs that night. He would later slip back and give a prayer of thanks to the spirit of Coppi who surely helped him conquer the Alpe. As he lit a candle the flame flickered and he heard an unearthly voice tell him “Dave my son I will give you the will to climb the Croix de Fer on Thursday with your brothers”. Dave looked out over the mountain; took a deep sigh and then replied “NO WAY!!!!!!”.
Gladys came back down to keep the two slow coaches company (or possibly to check we weren’t dead) and soon he was coaching Dave in the best pose to strike for the cameras. Coppi remembered Matinee had said the best pictures were standing up in the saddle and going for it…..so he did. Unfortunately he went about 10 yards too early, and by the time the photographer stated clicking Coppi was laughing at his own miscalculation. Amazingly this resulted in some cracking photos although they missed the one of Coppi slumped over his bike 10 seconds later.
Coppi arrived at the café to genuine delight from the rest of the Crapis present. He slumped into his chair; looked at the Lantern and said “I thought you and Allan were joking about how hard it was. That’s the hardest mountain I’ve ever climbed”. Ronnie looked at him and said deadpan “Let’s see how you get on with the next two”. Coppi looked mournful and confessed he’d love a gel but he’d only bought two on the ride and he’d had them by hairpin three!!
Having eaten about half his lunch and been for piss number 67 of the day, the peleton set off through Alpe D’Huez and towards the Col de Sarenne. By this stage Coppi was bitterly regretting his lack of drugs as the efforts of the morning and the bumpy road started to play havoc with his hip.
Chris, Ron and Matinee took station keeping Coppi company on this Col. When the Lantern summited he was met by Craig who said “Coppi’s doing well” pointing to a figure some 100 yards from the summit. “That’s not Coppi” the Lantern wheezed and proceeded to track his arm through a one hundred & eighty degree arc before pointing at a figure considerably further down the climb “That’s Coppi!!”.
The descent off the Sarenne is very twisty and bumpy and Coppi suffered like a dog on the descent; each bump bringing a fresh wave of pain coursing through his body. In consultation with Gladys (who kindly helped keep an eye on the obviously in pain Coppi) and the Lantern it was decided that Coppi would give Les Deux Alpes a miss and ride straight back to camp. Accompanied the majority of the way by Gladys who fancied another crack at Alpe D'Huez (the masochistic sod managed it as well!!).
To be serious for a moment we all think it was a superb effort by Coppi to climb these two mountains on his first day in the Alps. Coppi being his own harshest critic (well maybe second after Ron) initially focused on what he hadn’t achieved but soon came to appreciate the magnitude of his achievement.
This left messrs Craig, Ron, Chris, Matinee, Candle and the Lantern to negotiate the climb up to the Alpe. About halfway up (at least for the Lantern) it started to rain and soon it was coming down quite hard. At the top the village appeared to be completely ferme, and without even managing to refill bottles it was announced that we were heading straight down again.
The Candle proceeded to drop off the side of the mountain followed closely by the Lantern which the rest of the bunch took things more sedately. Apart from Ron who set another record to go with his longest time to ascend Alpe D’Huez on his last visit (27 hours 2 minutes) which was slowest descent.
Given the time gaps on the ascent everybody made it back to base in drips and drabs but the main thing was everyone got back in one piece. All agreed it had been a hard first ride apart from Coppi, who only managed a feeble “Grazie” when passed his morphine tablets.
Monday 11th June 2012
Today was billed as a recovery ride; only being a 24 mile round trip to La Bararde. “That’s not how I remember it” grumbled the Lantern as Chris and Ron explained to Coppi that he’d be fine “There’s a bit of a drag; a flat section and then another drag then pretty even” they told him.
The sheer ineptitude of his brother’s memory cells soon became apparent to Coppi who, with no chance to warm up, struggled on the steep opening climb as his hip made its objections known. Just before the first plateau he had to turn back and not even the Lantern’s thinly disguised lies “We’re nearly there honest mate” could persuade him. Ron defied his reputation for trying to bury anyone who’s struggling by riding back down to the camp when informed Coppi had gone back so Coppi could get in the chalet. Whisper it quietly, but I think he may be human……..
Again everyone took the climb at their own pace & Craig and the Candle ended up riding up together whilst Chris and Matinee; who had waited for news of Coppi; slugged it out on the ascent before Matinee finally won out somewhere near the top. The Lantern struggled along before being joined by Gladys, who had stopped to take pictures, for a very pleasant ride and chat up to the café. Ron, for once, had to be content to bring up the rear following his mercy mission.
Descending in the dry proved a lot easier for most of the peleton apart from Gladys who was with the Candle and the Lantern entering St Christophe but two bends below the village was no where in sight. Despite claiming to not have touched his brakes on the descent he managed a top speed of 36mph compared to the Candle & Lantern’s 48mph (Yes I know I’m a fatty but even so……).
Following a shower and a quick fettle with the bikes most of the peleton then retired to Bourg for that classic combination - a visit to the bike shop and a beer!!
Part deux will follow shortly.......
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Crapiwheelers Tour de France - 8th to 16th of June 2012
This year's band of intrepid adventurers consisted of Lantern, Robbo, Coppi, Chrissy, Ronnie, Gladys, Craig and Mike. Needless to say a fantastic time was had by all, with many boldly going further than they'd ever gone before (in more than one sense - remember Coppi hadn't been further than Bala in the past 10 years!). The Lantern made copious crib notes of events from the comfort of his Alpine caravan sofa, and he's a promised a full write up of the trip as soon as his bad back's eased enough to allow him to dress and wash himself. In the meantime, I've uploaded the maps for the rides that we did (thanks to Craig and Gladys for the Garmin stats). Thanks to all the lads for making it such an enjoyable and memorable trip.
Day 1: Alpe D'Huez, Col de Sarenne and Les Deux Alpes
Day 2: La Berarde
Day 3: Balcony road from La Garde
Day 4: Balcony Road and climb to Auris
Find more Bike Ride in VÉNosc, France
Day5: Glandon, Croix de fer, Telegraphe and Galibier
Day 1: Alpe D'Huez, Col de Sarenne and Les Deux Alpes
Day 2: La Berarde
Day 3: Balcony road from La Garde
Day 4: Balcony Road and climb to Auris
Find more Bike Ride in VÉNosc, France
Day5: Glandon, Croix de fer, Telegraphe and Galibier
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