Off The Back - The Return – This time its terminal…….

Off The Back - The Return – This time its terminal…….

Well very nearly anyway.

Yes folks after last riding with the Crapis in a foreign country last summer the Lantern, who is to cycling what Ricardo Ricco is to home transfusions, finally made his barely anticipated/noticed return to the peloton last Saturday.

Some things have definitely changed since he was last out; the size of the group for one. However, Ronnie’s sense of clothing still sadly hasn’t (honorary mention to Carl as well on this point!!). Al introduced Mark (did I make up a nickname for him or not chaps? Can’t remember? If not how about Stan Laurel for that bemused look he had on his face in Bourg supermarket?) to Aled as they’d never met but omitted the Lantern, probably on the basis that he thought “F*ck it he’ll never be anywhere near him to chat anyway”. Prophetic words indeed!!

The Lantern’s older and, let’s not beat around the bush here; far less attractive brother caused the first hold up by being late. So it was that the Lantern, the Patron, Boulder Brother Chris and Stan Laurel set off in the rain to meet the Matinee Idol (LOL I can’t barely remember nicknames it’s been so long). By the time we reached the Idol the Lantern was in danger of popping his bulb but still managed to pass the Idol on the climb (special thanks to the Patron for grabbing his back wheel!!).

This group set off down the A5 towards Llangollen as it was by now pissing it down. We sailed along gaily in the wet and the dirt and made it to Llangollen with still no sign of the rest of the bunch. Harmon was already speculating that the break might stay away to Bala whereas Sean predicted a catch just after Llan…… Guess who was right…… Carl & Aled appeared followed shortly after by Ron and Mike who sounded like they’d been exerting the kind of effort normally associated with porn acting. That’ll teach Mike to leave home a bit earlier.

This was by now the biggest bunch the Lantern had seen since that ride the Patron’s piles had put in an unwelcome appearance. The ride to Corwen was for some reason punctured with sudden decelerations by the peloton, so for once the Lantern was glad to be barely clinging on.

Once the group turned off the A5 in Corwen, the Lantern, admittedly after stopping for a gel and to marvel at the amount of water Mark could wring from his gloves, was cut adrift and spent a very agreeable time ambling to Bala talking to the Patron.

In the café the Lantern said barely a word (Carl and Aled - make the most of this as it will not last) mostly down to being shagged and wishing he’d never been persuaded to come this far and partly because he was f*cked (NOTE: there is a slight but subtle difference). He also nurtured a sense of foreboding about the ride home. The lads love the main road out of Bala and always go like stink, he thought gloomily. By this point he also looked like a WW1 fighter pilot who’s plane had an oil leak - he was plastered in mud (on the plus side woke up Sunday with baby soft skin!!)

The Patron shepherded the lantern on to his bike and away before the rest of the lads, but it wasn’t long before the Idol arrived to offer his inspiring words “For f*ck sake mate you’ll never make it home at this rate”. Ah yes the camaraderie; it all comes back to me now; god how I’ve missed this.

The lads had a couple of games of Trivial Pursuit whilst they waited for the Lantern at the top of the next drag and then the Idol told him the plan…”stick together till Corwen then see”. The Lantern’s heart sank as Idol went on the front, opened a gap to the lantern and then shouted “Hold the wheel”. LOL that’s almost his catchphrase to the Lantern but you’d think it’d have learnt by now - I would if I could for F**K’s sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the lights in Corwen the lead group had gone, apparently dragged along by the Idol. Rumour has it the rest of the lads were very impressed with his speed and strength but knowing the Idol so well I reckon he just needed to get home quick for a s**t. He is, after all, a man who crashed his car once in his hurry for a dump!!

The Patron and the Lantern’s brother shepherded the lantern home and watched him crawl, almost literally, up the Tally Ho before arriving back at the Patron’s just before midnight (possibly a slight exaggeration).

On reflection maybe an almost 70 mile ride wasn’t the best idea for a first ride after a very Spartan 6 months on the bike (less than 200 miles to be honest!!). Anyway hopefully next week will be better and I’ll ride with the bunch (no not the Patron’s) for a bit longer, get to actually meet Aled, muster the ability to speak in the café and have more to write about.

Apologies for the length of time since the last off the back, but if Al lends me his notes I may do reflections on France to make up for it. See you all next week hopefully.

26th February 2011

The return of Le Lanterne

I'd arranged to meet le patron, Chris, Ron, Rocket, Vino, Mike and Aled en route and nearly fell off my saddle in shock when I caught sight or our erstwhile rear gunner Ian. Despite having not looked at a bike since last year, he still has thighs like Andre Greipl and was looking pretty good on the outward leg. I'm hoping that he's penning his first off the back report of 2011 as I type, in the meantime here's today's route.

12th February 2011