Off The Back Episode 1 - Coppi’s French Adventure

As he lay howling at the roadside on that bleak December day with his brothers telling him he’d only bruised his hip, Alpe D’huez seemed an awful long way away for Dave “Coppi” Hughes. The account that follows is a true (well mostly) account of Coppi’s first trip more than 20 miles from Rhostyllen since he was a young man referred to as “Herby” for reasons now thankfully shrouded in swathes of wacky backie smoke……..

The supporting cast to this epic adventure comprised of Matinee Idol, Coppi’s muscle - Chris and Ron, Gladys, Craig, the Candle and the Lantern.

Along the way you’ll laugh, cry and sometimes think “Hang on, Coppi’s not had a mention for ages”!!

Friday 8th June 2012

The first shock for the Lantern at bang on 6.30am on a somewhat blustery morning was the fact that the Hughes brothers (Coppi, Chris and Ron) managed to find Matinee’s house without le Patron to guide them. Coppi immediately bolted from the back of his own car to grab a piss stop at chez Matinee.

Chris, ever in thrall to machines of any type, handed Matinee a walkie talkie and said they could use them to keep in touch between the two cars. What a great idea...

By the time we stopped for Matinee's first cappuccino of the day at the M6 Toll services it was the furthest Coppi had been in his car since 1972!! His tanned complexion somehow contriving to look wan as he rocketed out of the car and headed off towards the toilets.

During the next leg of the journey Matinee and the Lantern decided to change the route to go down the M11, as the M25 was blocked. “We’ll stop at Thurrock services to fuel up and change drivers” Matinee said. “Lets try the walkie talkie” suggested Matinee; no response (apparently they hadn’t turned theirs on!!). Suddenly “Lost in France” came on the radio. “Quick ring Ron and say we’ve phoned in a special request for him” suggested the Lantern. Matinee duly rang the directionally challenged brother, much to the amusement of everyone else.

Possibly we expected a little too much of Coppi, for no sooner had his car rolled to a halt at Thurrock services than he was heading off furtively towards the car-park bushes, tugging at his flies. Thankfully Matinee pointed him in the direction of the toilet block a mere 20 yards away and an arrest for indecent exposure was avoided. Bladder emptied the lads trundled the 300 metres or so to the Thurrock petrol pumps to fuel up. Just as Ron returned to the car, Coppi made a sharp exit and made for the shop. “A paper maybe” mused Matinee but no, Coppi’s determined hobble took him straight through the shop. “Surely he’s not going for a……..” began the Lantern but he was….. Ronnie's face was a picture.

Disappointment at Dover as the ferry was delayed for an hour and a half due to the weather. I won’t say it was choppy on the way over but Coppi was walking perfectly normally as the boat listed back and forth. This meant it would be late when we reached the hotel in Dole (and so it proved - 10.30pm) but the journey in France passed largely without incident. I say largely the Hughes brothers did admit to losing the lead car at one of the Peages. Apparently Matinee had put his glasses on and they didn’t recognise him……. The fact that it was the only black Fiesta with a GB sticker on the back and a Trek and a Bianchi on the roof appeared to have escaped their notice…… After unpacking at the hotel, Robbo cracked open a cool box of beers and the boys sat outside until past midnight, pondering the adventures that lay ahead...

The first day was over and Coppi was yet to take a turn behind the wheel; probably easing himself in gently the Lantern thought.

Saturday 9th June 2012

With only about 220 miles left to cover the lads had a later start from normal and it was gone 8am when they left the plusher than expected hotel. The third car containing Craig, the Candle and Gladys was speeding down a parallel motorway and; after travelling through the night via the tunnel; they were ahead on the road.

Coppi finally took the wheel for the last 30 miles or so after Grenoble which was also probably the hardest 30 miles to drive in France!! To be fair anyone could have missed that kerb and, to be fair, the car landed again almost immediately but Dave had just earned himself one of several new nicknames acquired during the week - Kerby (but no the car didn’t have number 53 on its side).

The rest of the day was given over to sorting out the bikes, shopping and settling in. It is worth noting in passing that on Chris and Ron’s previous trip over their shopping trolley was somewhat sparsely populated. Not this time baby!! Judging by the contents they weren’t just staying for the week, they were staying on to watch the Tour!!!

Sunday 10th June 2012

The day of Coppi’s debut ride in the alps was upon us. Matinee's plan was to go up Alpe D’huez, over the Col de Sarenne dropping down to lake Chambon (average depth 18.6 metres or 61 feet to me and you) before climbing Les Deux Alpes (for those who felt like it). Despite having enough drugs to open his own chemist shop (two more nicknames were earned during the week - The Pharmacist and Dr Fuentes) Coppi had chosen to attack the Alpe without drugs (he was to sorely regret this). Maybe he just wanted to keep the weight down.

At the bottom of the climb everyone went their own way with the Lantern riding along with Coppi. Coppi’s catchphrase, which would become the stuff of legend by the end of the week, was uttered as the steepness of that first ramp made itself felt in his legs - “No way”!!!!

At the first hairpin photos were taken of Coppi posing below the plaque that bore the name of his namesake who won the first ascent up Alpe D’Huez sixty years ago (incidentally in 1952 it was also the first mountain top finish and the first years motorcycle TV crews came to the race). After that, Coppi and the Lantern continued their climb up the mountain with encouragement from both the Hughes brothers; Chris even throwing in some commentary as he recorded Coppi on his ipod.

Soon the others departed and the Lantern was left as the only witness to the battle that raged between Coppi and the Alpe. Halfway up things were looking like they could go either way; especially when Coppi nearly fell down the mountainside whilst having an obligatory piss stop

Gradually the man conquered the mountain and Coppi; pausing only occasionally to utter “No way” as they next stretch of road reared up before him; found his rhythm and continued his ride to victory.

As they passed through the village of Huez, Coppi noticed mass was to be held at 18:00hrs that night. He would later slip back and give a prayer of thanks to the spirit of Coppi who surely helped him conquer the Alpe. As he lit a candle the flame flickered and he heard an unearthly voice tell him “Dave my son I will give you the will to climb the Croix de Fer on Thursday with your brothers”. Dave looked out over the mountain; took a deep sigh and then replied “NO WAY!!!!!!”.

Gladys came back down to keep the two slow coaches company (or possibly to check we weren’t dead) and soon he was coaching Dave in the best pose to strike for the cameras. Coppi remembered Matinee had said the best pictures were standing up in the saddle and going for it…..so he did. Unfortunately he went about 10 yards too early, and by the time the photographer stated clicking Coppi was laughing at his own miscalculation. Amazingly this resulted in some cracking photos although they missed the one of Coppi slumped over his bike 10 seconds later.

Coppi arrived at the café to genuine delight from the rest of the Crapis present. He slumped into his chair; looked at the Lantern and said “I thought you and Allan were joking about how hard it was. That’s the hardest mountain I’ve ever climbed”. Ronnie looked at him and said deadpan “Let’s see how you get on with the next two”. Coppi looked mournful and confessed he’d love a gel but he’d only bought two on the ride and he’d had them by hairpin three!!

Having eaten about half his lunch and been for piss number 67 of the day, the peleton set off through Alpe D’Huez and towards the Col de Sarenne. By this stage Coppi was bitterly regretting his lack of drugs as the efforts of the morning and the bumpy road started to play havoc with his hip.

Chris, Ron and Matinee took station keeping Coppi company on this Col. When the Lantern summited he was met by Craig who said “Coppi’s doing well” pointing to a figure some 100 yards from the summit. “That’s not Coppi” the Lantern wheezed and proceeded to track his arm through a one hundred & eighty degree arc before pointing at a figure considerably further down the climb “That’s Coppi!!”.

The descent off the Sarenne is very twisty and bumpy and Coppi suffered like a dog on the descent; each bump bringing a fresh wave of pain coursing through his body. In consultation with Gladys (who kindly helped keep an eye on the obviously in pain Coppi) and the Lantern it was decided that Coppi would give Les Deux Alpes a miss and ride straight back to camp. Accompanied the majority of the way by Gladys who fancied another crack at Alpe D'Huez (the masochistic sod managed it as well!!).

To be serious for a moment we all think it was a superb effort by Coppi to climb these two mountains on his first day in the Alps. Coppi being his own harshest critic (well maybe second after Ron) initially focused on what he hadn’t achieved but soon came to appreciate the magnitude of his achievement.

This left messrs Craig, Ron, Chris, Matinee, Candle and the Lantern to negotiate the climb up to the Alpe. About halfway up (at least for the Lantern) it started to rain and soon it was coming down quite hard. At the top the village appeared to be completely ferme, and without even managing to refill bottles it was announced that we were heading straight down again.

The Candle proceeded to drop off the side of the mountain followed closely by the Lantern which the rest of the bunch took things more sedately. Apart from Ron who set another record to go with his longest time to ascend Alpe D’Huez on his last visit (27 hours 2 minutes) which was slowest descent.

Given the time gaps on the ascent everybody made it back to base in drips and drabs but the main thing was everyone got back in one piece. All agreed it had been a hard first ride apart from Coppi, who only managed a feeble “Grazie” when passed his morphine tablets.

Monday 11th June 2012

Today was billed as a recovery ride; only being a 24 mile round trip to La Bararde. “That’s not how I remember it” grumbled the Lantern as Chris and Ron explained to Coppi that he’d be fine “There’s a bit of a drag; a flat section and then another drag then pretty even” they told him.

The sheer ineptitude of his brother’s memory cells soon became apparent to Coppi who, with no chance to warm up, struggled on the steep opening climb as his hip made its objections known. Just before the first plateau he had to turn back and not even the Lantern’s thinly disguised lies “We’re nearly there honest mate” could persuade him. Ron defied his reputation for trying to bury anyone who’s struggling by riding back down to the camp when informed Coppi had gone back so Coppi could get in the chalet. Whisper it quietly, but I think he may be human……..

Again everyone took the climb at their own pace & Craig and the Candle ended up riding up together whilst Chris and Matinee; who had waited for news of Coppi; slugged it out on the ascent before Matinee finally won out somewhere near the top. The Lantern struggled along before being joined by Gladys, who had stopped to take pictures, for a very pleasant ride and chat up to the café. Ron, for once, had to be content to bring up the rear following his mercy mission.

Descending in the dry proved a lot easier for most of the peleton apart from Gladys who was with the Candle and the Lantern entering St Christophe but two bends below the village was no where in sight. Despite claiming to not have touched his brakes on the descent he managed a top speed of 36mph compared to the Candle & Lantern’s 48mph (Yes I know I’m a fatty but even so……).

Following a shower and a quick fettle with the bikes most of the peleton then retired to Bourg for that classic combination - a visit to the bike shop and a beer!!

Part deux will follow shortly.......

Crapiwheelers Tour de France - 8th to 16th of June 2012

This year's band of intrepid adventurers consisted of Lantern, Robbo, Coppi, Chrissy, Ronnie, Gladys, Craig and Mike. Needless to say a fantastic time was had by all, with many boldly going further than they'd ever gone before (in more than one sense - remember Coppi hadn't been further than Bala in the past 10 years!). The Lantern made copious crib notes of events from the comfort of his Alpine caravan sofa, and he's a promised a full write up of the trip as soon as his bad back's eased enough to allow him to dress and wash himself. In the meantime, I've uploaded the maps for the rides that we did (thanks to Craig and Gladys for the Garmin stats). Thanks to all the lads for making it such an enjoyable and memorable trip.

Day 1: Alpe D'Huez, Col de Sarenne and Les Deux Alpes


Day 2: La Berarde


Day 3: Balcony road from La Garde


Day 4: Balcony Road and climb to Auris



Find more Bike Ride in VÉNosc, France


Day5: Glandon, Croix de fer, Telegraphe and Galibier