Get well soon Dave!

All of the Crapiwheelers would like to wish Dave 'Coppi' Hughes a speedy recovery following his nasty crash and broken hip last weekend. Get well soon mate.

Winter run to Corwen 10th December 2011

Reporting for duty: Patron, Chrissy, Robbo, Lamby, Cabbage, Coppi, Ronnie

47 miles, 17.2mph ave.

OTB - 26/11/11 Lots of wind and weak bladders!!

The morning was blowy but dry as messrs Patron, Chris, Vino, Coppi and Lantern departed from the usual rendezvous point. For once there was no Rocket Ronnie who was taking a week off from trying to rip everybody’s legs off to earn a few more pennies to pay for his Guinness intake. Coppi, as has been his habit lately, was looking pensive and vouched he didn’t feel great. Is it me or has he not been the same since he’s cut down to 13 gels a ride?

Somewhere by the colliery the lantern looked round and his eyes saw something they’d never seen before - a bright yellow cabbage!! Where had he sprung from? Now up to six the peleton made its way to Overton and into the face of an ever strengthening wind (and no for once Al wasn’t to blame…).

Coppi was by now suffering, and sadly he had to pull himself off and head home (its never good when you’re forced to pull yourself off just to get some relief…..). Hopefully he’ll be sufficiently revived by next week to join the Lantern to enjoy the view from the back of the bunch. Hopefully see you soon FDI.

Soon after the group met up with Matinee and Brian who’d ridden out to meet the bunch. “Let's get feckin organised, front man peels off” barked the normally easy going Matinee after barely a brief “Have you ever fished there?” conversation with Patron. It soon became apparent that he’d over imbibed the previous evening and was slightly under the weather (Don’t worry girls he still looked gorgeous….).

After the Patron and Chris had set the tempo on the front the Lantern had a go and managed to lower the pace somewhat. Well it is supposed to be winter pace after all. As soon as the Lantern peeled off Vino floored it and took the pace up a good 4-5mph. Struggling to stay on the back the Lantern thought dark thoughts. Cabbage in the middle of the bunch, with no cleats, was oblivious. Everyone else adopted the “This pace is fine” stiff upper lip attitude, not seen since Dunkirk. “It could be worse” thought the Lantern; “At least Ronnie isn’t here to go mad on the front”.

By the time he next went on the front the Lantern was willing to retract his previous statement. Having just struggled to hold Chris’ wheel for the previous five minutes he was somewhat pooped before he hit the front. Thankfully the infirm bladders of most of the peleton came to his rescue and a piss stop was duly called. Vino impressively leaping a fence in one bound such was his desire for relief…..

After passing through West Felton the group neared the café but, spurred on by Matinee (“Please sir can we go further” kind of thing), the Patron ordered the bunch to turn the opposite direction and head for Llanymynech. The Lantern just about held onto to Chris’s coattails this time but the effort was to cost him dear. About a mile down the road his red faced gurning startled a passing horse that skittered
across the road and nearly collected the bunch. Only the Patron crooning “It’s ok baby” brought it to its senses, and it wisely cantered back across the road away from the lycra clad Lantern…. After Matinee was nearly collected twice by classic cars - a Y reg Mondeo and an old boxy Astra, the group made the café and the Lantern sunk gratefully into his chair.

Cabbage here made the tactical error of not eating despite horsing it on the front every time it was his turn. He was to learn a hard lesson later on.

After the café the Lantern remarked to Matinee “My its gone cold”; translated into Matinee speak this was “Bloody hell mate lets barrel along at 20+mph to get us nicely warm. The Lantern slid slowly off the back as the ever ready and keen Patron, Vino, Brian and Chris swept by to take up the slack.

On the way out of Oswestry towards Western Rhyn, Matinee insisted on pushing the Lantern up every drag saying “Its better if we all stick together”. The witty rejoiner “Well f**king slow down a bit” died on the Lantern’s lips as he was too knackered by this stage. What happens then? The weak bladder brigade need another piss stop!!!!!

After that Brian and Matinee & most of the others shot off leaving the Lantern and Cabbage to bring up the rear. Matinee and Brian were not glimpsed again but the others were rejoined going up Chirk Bank. The Lantern lived up to his nickname and sneaked through the lights in Chirk followed by the opportunist Vino.

Vino had dropped the Lantern before they left Chirk but kept sitting up and waiting for the Lantern right up to the bottom of the Tally Ho when he rightly thought “He’s not coming back” and he was never seen again. Is it just me that wonders how good Vino would be in the cyclo-cross if he didn’t come out with us the day before? All I can say is chappo!!

Near the top of the Tally Ho Patron, Chrissy and Cabbage caught the Lantern and the Patron said Cabbage had suffered “the knock”. At the lights in Chirk he’d begun trembling like Shakin Stevens, and only a trusty gel had sorted him out.

As they wound their way home the Lantern and Cabbage both vouchsafed they were knackered. The Patron and Chris reluctantly admitted it had been a bit fast (but are probably both denying it by now) but they couldn’t help “getting caught up” in it.

It was a very windy day so hats off to everyone for getting round in various states of distress. My man of the match goes to Chris as it was like riding behind a derny bike at times. Hopefully everyone will have recovered for next week and, if it’s a Sunday ride, I’ll see you there (at the rugby on Sat).

Maesbury Autumn run 20th November 2011

The Patron was joined by a triumvirate of brothers Hughes, together with new rider Cabbage, resplendent in a barely used Giro Atmos last seen perched atop the Lantern's cherubic pate. Robbo joined at the usual meeting place and established that Brother Coppi had already parted company with most of the Farley's rusk he'd had for breakfast. After a quick swig of Milk of Magnesia from his medicinal bidon, the rest of the ride passed without incident, the only notable exception being the top quality of Fiona's coconut cake at Maesbury cafe!

Autumn ride to Bala - 75 miles - 12th November 2011

November 5th - Where Did all the Fireworks Go?

The peleton assembled in 'the village' (Quote from the Patron - “If you need to ask where that is you can f**k off!!”); a full house of Hughes brothers, Whistling Roger, Patron and the Lantern trundled off towards a meeting with the Matinee idol in Overton.

The Lantern claimed to still be feeling the effects of manflu; Chris was still rough and Coppi, despite his debonair, happy go lucky demeanour looked a bit rough!!

A fairly sedate pace saw the group down to the rendezvous with Monsieur Matinee and then the group headed off for a scenic tour down to Prees. Not a lot happened truth be told; Ronnie did not try to break the land speed record off the front; the Patron did do a big turn on the front and Roger and the Lantern had strong feelings of deja vous as people kept sweeping past to head the bunch.

Coppi had time to tell the Lantern he’d only been on his new bike twice as the wheel had to be sent back. The shop had said it’d be weeks before it came back. Coppi said “Don’t Be Cruel”; the shop said “Its caught in a trap…”; Coppi said he was “All Shook Up” last time he rode it……you get the picture.

Eventually Roger got on the front and put the hammer down up one of the drags and the peleton splintered for the first (but not the last) time that day. Whether from fatigue or the patented “F**k em, let em go” (copyright the Patron 1995 and every year since) attitude was not yet clear.

Matinee and the Patron then set a pleasant tempo on the front; ideally chatting away. The Lantern was not close enough to hear what they were saying but seeing as how we were passing a pond it probably went something like this:

Patron: You fished there Robbo?
Matinee: Aye there’s good bream in there.
Patron: Aye plus trout, roach, sardines, haddock and japs eye
Both - looking dreamy: Have to go fishing soon….

After a fortifying café stop where Matinee ate the biggest egg custard I’d ever seen (after a full English as well the fat ba**ard!!) the group wound their way back to Whitchurch. There’s a bit of a drag out of Whitchurch but Coppi hit the front and went up it like a corgi strapped to a rocket. Maybe the small breakfast was the correct option after all!!!

At Malpas the Patron tried a new route which turned out to be very successful about from having to negotiate about 40 cars, 2 dozen Landrovers, 15 horseboxes and about a hundred rosy cheeked, fully paid up members of the Cheshire set parked on the roadside to watch the hunt. The Patron set tempo on the front as the group sped along until suddenly a lone fox hound was spotted in the road. Just as the peleton braked he was joined by about 10 mates and a very posh couple on horses. Seeing the Patron bearing down on him the horse stopped as if fitted with disc brakes. “Tally Ho!!” shouted the patron; “Tally Ho!!” replied the comely filly, and once more the peleton sped through the countryside….

Matinee set the tempo down to Worthenbury and out the other side and by the time the Lantern started to feel the strain on the front the word went out that a couple had slipped off the back. Chris, by his own admission feeling rough, said he was struggling on the drags and Coppi was just starting to look like a man who’d impersonated a corgi strapped to a rocket…..

At Bangor on Dee the group turned to head down the straight mile and Roger took off to stretch his legs rapidly followed by matinee (egged on by Chrissy) to assert some dominance!! Rocket Ronnie went as well but, for once, the rocket was made in Italy and failed to go off with a bang. As he drifted back to the peleton he turned to Patron and said “I’m f*cked Al”. As the group regrouped at the roundabout Coppi really let rip….as he chucked his breckie up all over the road (a trick he repeated a couple of time again on the way home).

After saying goodbye to Matinee the group ambled sedately back to café Le Patron for tea and biscuits. Another lovely ride and, after last week’s mad ride, it would appear that winter pace has finally arrived in the peleton.

Thanks as always to all of you for making the ride the most enjoyable way to spend a couple of hours you could wish for.

See you all next Saturday hopefully!!

Winter Run to Prees

Welshpool

Thanks to Craig as usual for uploading the Garmin stats.

Today's merry band of travellers consisted of Robbo, Patron, Chrissy, Ronnie, Craig, Vino and Etape conquering Gaz Waud. Sick notes were received in respect of Coppi and Lantern, although there is a steward's enquiry into the authenticity of Lantern's note, as it would appear he's clumsily attempted to forge his mum's handwriting!

The outward journey to the cafe was windy to say the least. With the benefit of hindsight it's probably just as well the Lantern abstained, as I fear the shapeless shite brown sleeves he's been recently sporting as substitute arm-warmers would have resembled windsocks heading down to Buttington!

The cafe came at around the 45 mile mark and the boys wasted no time in opting for gut busting breakfasts all round, and being a proper Northern lad, Craig ordered extra bread and butter. With the benefit of a cross/tail wind, the return via Llansantffraid was rather brisk, before the inevitable pull up Blodwell Bank at the 65 mile mark. At Oswestry the heaven's opened but this did little to dampen the pace or spirits as the grupetto swallowed up the remaining 15 miles or so.

Cracking ride on the Summer bikes (possibly the last 'Summer' ride of the season). My man of the match today goes to Gaz for his sheer gutsy determination in hanging on to a brisk, and at times erratic paceline in the teeth of a headwind on his first come-back ride. Chapeau boys, see you next week. Robbo.

Off the Back 22/10/2011- "We'll have a nice easy one today"

It was one of those strange Autumnnal days last Saturday; sunny yet cold. Enough to make you think “F**k lets give the shorts one more outing” but cold enough later to make you think “The shorts can f**k off until next spring after today”.

After last weeks’ full turnout on parade there was no sign this week of Roger, the Candle, Mark or Elvis; sorry I mean Coppi as the peleton gathered for an unusually late 11.30 kick off. Your plucky Lantern was there early so the Patron could tweak his gears (don’t tell him but they’re still buggered!!). Confirmed no shows Vino and Chris amazed the Patron by turning up, along with Rocket Ronnie who noted with silent glee that brother Chris was coughing like a sixty a day man.

Enquiries about Coppi’s whereabouts brought the news that he was going out on his own that morning as the peleton’s late depart did not suit. Vino especially regretted the missed opportunity to trot out “If Elvis rode a bike…”. On the way down the Tally Ho a blinding white flash announced Coppi coming the other way. I’m not sure how far he’d been but last time I looked that fresh after a ride was when I stayed in bed!! (Only joking Elvis!!).

As the peleton went through Chirk the Lantern struggled to keep with the group & started emitting copious amounts of bodily fluids through his nose. He had a cold, and with the peleton looking lean, it looked like a day of suffering lay ahead.

After collecting Matinee & his next door neighbour, Brian - bedecked in very nice Demon Tweaks kit, the peleton rode off towards Oswestry. Thereupon the Patron made a mockery of his earlier assertion that it’d be an easy one by signalling a right turn up the Racecourse hill (following an earlier suggestion from Robbo).

As Ron, Vino, Brian, Matinee and Chris (the latter making a mockery of his assertion he had a cold!!) pedalled contentedly up the climb, it was left to the Patron to shepherd the heavily perspiring (and let's face it, just plain heavy) lantern up the climb. If he doesn’t hear from you for a couple of minutes the Patron is wont to shout over his shoulder “You alright”. The Lantern is normally too knackered to respond, but the occasional clunky gear mis-shift and grunt lets the Patron know he's still holding on.

Soon the top was crested and the peleton set off towards the Beast with the Lantern still yo-yoing off the back like the Patron’s pants when he’s had a curry! After turning up the beast the group turned right about halfway up and followed their newly found route over to Trefonen. Once there it was over to Blodwell and regrouping at the junction at the bottom. Once Matinee knew they were going left he shot off urging the Lantern to “Get on me wheel”. Overcome by nostalgia after not hearing this exhorting for many a month, the Lantern surprised everyone, not least himself, by doing just that. As Matinee flew past the Lime Kiln the peleton was strung out like something from Stop the Pigeon (Which one was Clunk? Answers on a postcard…). Eventually the Lantern saw a shadow on the road and knew the rest had caught up and he could ease up. Or as Brian succinctly put it “He was f**ked as soon as the road went uphill”!!

After crossing at Lynclys, Ronnie did his usual party piece and took the pace up to about 27mph, just to see the look on the Lantern’s face - he’d have needed good eyesight today though as he was dying at the back after following Matinee’s earlier efforts.

Following a restorative café stop it was home via Gobowen the Patron decreed. In Whittington, after some furtive whisperings between Brian and the Patron, the peleton hung a right and headed away from Gobowen. Chris and the Lantern - the cough brothers - slid to the back as Brian set a very jaunty tempo on the front. The road twisted and turned and went up down and roundlyleround before eventually coming out in St Martins. The lantern was thinking murderous thoughts about all of those at the front by this time as he was well and truly cooked - In hindsight it was a nice change and would have really enjoyed it if hadn’t felt like shit by then!!

At St Martins Brian (rapidly turning into one of the major roullers on the Crapi squad) and Matinee turned off to head back for Ellesmere. The rest of the peleton romped back to chez Patron with the Lantern coughing and spluttering in their wake. All in all a 54 mile romp with better weather than we’d any right to expect at this time of year.

As ever thanks to all who made the ride an enjoyable few hours out on the bike and hopefully see you all and a few others next Saturday. Apologies for the tardiness of this report but I really have felt like shit this week (getting my excuses in early for Saturday!!)

It's true - Vino does improve with age

Some of you might not know that Vino took part in his first cyclo-cross ride of this season last Sunday in Bethesda. I know the shy retiring boyo usually likes to hide his light under a bushel but here's a link to the website that shows the results for his league so we can congratulate him when he does well, and mercilessly take the p*ss when he blows up!

http://nwcycloxgroup.ning.com/profiles/blogs/revolution-bikes-2011-12-league-table

Ride, Vino, Ride!

Off the back 16/10/11 - Duw it's steep!

After what seemed like weeks of hesitation and one postponement as Matinee was swanning round Paris (“You know he’ll sulk if we go without him”) the annual seaside extravaganza took place last Sunday.

So well honed are the majority of the peloton that when the Lantern looked in his mirror at the traffic lights on the way to Dolgellau he had a CRAPI train of cars behind him. So it was that Lantern, Vino, Mark, Big Al, Ron, Chris, Coppi and Matinee all arrived at the appointed meeting place in convoy at 8.45am.

Coppi wheeled out his new steed and well, its very white isn’t it, Lantern ventured. White frame, White wheels and white tyres - if Elvis rode a bike….!!!! The Crapi’s biggest fan turned up to walk his dog and asked whether we’d all done the ride before. Coppi vouchsafed he hadn’t. Upon hearing the route the old man placed a gentle hand on Coppi's arm and said "Gold help you lad". He then turned to the rest of us and muttered “you cruel bastards”. Coppi had to stop his hand as it crept towards the gels in his pocket.

Two minutes to ride time and Patron pitches up in front of the Lantern and says in his own inimitable style - “Where’s that f**king brother of yours”. On cue both their phones go off with the news that messrs Candle and Roger Whittaker will be late again, apparently they needed to drop off Miss Daisy in Barmouth!! To make matters worse they weren’t even ready and proceeded to get changed with all the haste of an arthritic pensioner. Then they pumped their tyres up!!! The Lantern dared not think of the effect all this was having on the Patron’s blood pressure.

Roger turned up with his winter bike after having broken his lovely Trek frame which came a matter of weeks after he broke his mountain bike frame. The good news is that since Sunday the lads have been in touch with Terry Dolan and he’s agreed to make Roger a new frame out of RSJ’s which should last him a bit longer!!!

The peleton left a mere 20 minutes late and headed for Fairbourne at a pace more akin to a fun ride than a full on Crapi ride. Not that the Lantern was complaining. Climbing up from Fairbourne the Lantern found he couldn’t get into his lowest gear (which would come back to haunt him) but apart from that the ride progressed smoothly.

However, shortly after the peleton turned inland from the coast and Mark suffered a puncture. Coppi took advantage to slurp a gel and show off his new shorts (were they white as well?) and his Livestrong top. After this the remainder of the first half passed without much incident and the peleton was soon ensconced in the café at Aberdyfi.

After refreshment the peleton continued to Machynlleth without too many problems before Coppi’s exuberance over his new bike started being replaced by fatigue. The Patron did his best to marshall the peleton to keep Coppi in the fold but, ultimately, it was Coppi’s brother Chris who did for him. Going on the front and pushing the pace to an extent where even the regulars were wondering what was going on, he seemed genuinely surprised when word came that Coppi had gone out the back.

On the road to Dinas Mawddwy the pack started to splinter as Vino, always Vino, led the way with Candle and Roger in attendance. Mark and the Lantern were next on the road and Mark put in a sterling effort to close the gap to about 100 metres. The Lantern used up his remaining energy to bridge the gap only for Mark to say he wouldn’t be going with them on the climb. If looks could kill….

Ronnie and Matinee soon overtook the lantern, who was beginning to slide backwards, and took Mark with them. The Patron was closing in fast and Chris was happily shepherding Coppi home.

Other reports have detailed the race at the front of the peleton up the 20% climb after Dinas Mawddwy. However, I don’t think they mentioned the suffering felt by other riders. The Lantern’s lack of bottom gear came back to haunt him as he struggled to even keep the pedals turning before almost throwing up at the top. The Patron crested the climb before almost being felled by a bout of cramp and Coppi, though buoyed by his new lighter bike, was still too shagged to comment.

Thankfully after the climb most of the ride is downhill and the Candle, Roger, Patron and the Lantern made it back to the cars without too much incident followed by Chris and Coppi.

Coppi white-faced yet still grinning about the fact his new bike weighed four stone less than his old one, his face streaked with sweat and gel, looked like the walking antithesis of his Livestrong top.

As ever it was a lovely ride and, for once, the Lantern rather enjoyed the first half as he had time to enjoy his surrounding rather than just concentrate on chewing his bars. Thanks as ever to you all for making the ride so enjoyable and hopefully we’ll do it all again next weekend.

Still think Coppi’s bike’s a bit white though!!!!

Coast Ride

Gentle Ride out

Today's ride in them welsh hills

Wild Wales

Ian, Mike and Craig completed the 2011 Wild Wales Challenge.

The route seemed to go up every steep hill in the area and some new roads found for the crapi's to ride in the future.

Maybe a full Crapi Peleton outing next year.

Long mountain route to Welshpool

75 miles, present and correct - Robbo, Vino, Chrissy, Patron, Ronnie, Rocket, Beast and Gareth.

Unfortunately, I've no idea how we got from Knockin to Welshpool, and all attempts at tracing the precise route on 'map my ride' have failed. We'll be relying on the only person who actually knows the exact route (Patron) to map it for us.

Wild west heroes

Good luck to Crapiwheelers Lantern, Candle and Craig in this Sunday's Wild Wales challenge.

Matinee’s Mystery Tour - 20/08/11

With the Patron still doing his Jim Royle impression in Barmouth, it was left to the Matinee Idol to organise the weekly crapifest. Chris, Ron, Candle and the Lantern met in Rhostyllen. All Matinee had said was to meet him at Whitehurst at 9.30 for a ride with climbing in the first half and a flat second. Ronnie quizzed the others for information; Lantern knew the route but was sworn to secrecy. Ronnie said “I’ve no idea where we’re going today; I can’t think”. Lantern reflected that had the route been a circuit of Rhostyllen Ron would probably have uttered something similar.

The mini peleton set off and reached Whitehurst without incident. The Lantern took the time to casually mention to Ron all the training he’d been doing and how fast he’d gone. How the words would come back to haunt him…….

Matinee turned up with his next door neighbour, the soon to be christened Brian the Beast, complete with tattoos and a shiny Cannondale. Having recently turned to road biking after mountain biking it would be interesting to see how he fitted into the crapi peleton. Just fine seemed to be the answer as he displayed Ron-like tendencies to up the pace at the first sign of an incline in the road. After barely hanging onto his wheel through Llan the Lantern was pleased to hear Matinee impersonate the Patron and tell Brian to “Knock it back a bit”.

The group hit the bottom of the Horseshoe and the first real test of the day, The Candle set off at a brisk pace (which he paid for later in the ride….) and Chris, Matinee, Ron and Brian rode up together. Meanwhile back at the back, the Lantern was regretting those rash words of daring do to Ron earlier as his legs screamed as he trundled up the climb. Jesus he hadn’t felt like this for at least a week and a half.

Eventually puffing like a steam locomotive on its last dregs of stream he crested the final rise to be confronted by most of the peleton emerging from the bogs at the Ponderosa. “Christ” he thought “not even the FDI needs a piss stop that early”.

The peleton then made quick time down the main drag to Ruthin pausing only once when it sounded like the Beast had broken his bike. Thankfully this was not the case and the boys piled into the café stop in Ruthin. Brian’s hard man image, already under pressure from his friendly demeanour, was dealt a further blow when his mobile went off revealing his ring tone to be “Build Me Up Buttercup" (or something similar).

After refreshment the group headed towards the Clwyd Gate climb with the Lantern on the front - he figured it’d be his last chance for a while. Near the bottom of the climb the group swung left onto the dreaded Bwlch Pen barras climb. Steep is the first word that springs to mind. The Lantern avoided being first off but only because Brian was much further up the road and therefore on the steepest part. The Lantern pulled on his bars at an inopportune moment; i.e. when he had no forward momentum, and pulled a wheelie, spun 180 degrees and only narrowly avoided careering back down the climb. He ruefully thought “Now I know why Robbie McEwen always waited till the top…!!!” When he eventually reached the top it was many minutes before he could speak again!

A quick blast on the main road back towards Ruthin and the peleton turned left for Llanarmon, then after a couple of miles turned left to go up the Eryrys climb. Having climbed; or rather walked, this climb with Matinee before the Lantern was aware of the 17% hairpin and was somewhat amazed to get to the top of it still on his bike.

From here the group headed onwards; descending the Llanfynydd climb which Ron had flown up the week before, and descending down towards Cefn y Bedd. Here we had a bit of drama as Matinee claimed to have had a near miss with someone’s water bottle, riding straight over it with his back wheel. No one was missing any bottles so the peleton dismissed him as a paranoid fantasist, crossed the road and headed for Llay. Thankfully eagle eyed Ronnie noticed the Candle was missing a saddle bag. A halt was called whilst he went off to look for his bag. Reports that it resembled fresh road kill when he located it after Matinee barrelling over it remain, at time of going to press, unconfirmed.

Down to Rossett and on towards Holt the peleton sped. The Lantern took the time to ponder a few thoughts. Namely:

Was it merely the fact that Vino wasn’t there that was causing Ronnie to turn off the testosterone? N.B. That’s not to say he didn’t try and put the hurt on whenever he felt like it!! He has the attacking mindset of the absent Kazak!

Would anyone tell Brian when he peeled off the front he should drift to the back and not slot in second wheel for another go on the front?

Why did Chris keep putting in long turns on the front, look comfy on the climbs when he kept saying he was tired. The Lantern was tired and he wasn’t making any such foolish mistakes!!

After a water stop in Holt the group rode over to Bangor where the group split and the Lantern trailed back to Wrexham in the wake of the other three. Having felt below par all the way round with legs hurting badly on all the climbs he was somewhat taken aback by Ron saying it was the best he’d seen he go!!

After a quick chat with the Patron; back from Barmouth, who quickly filled the boys in on all his training whilst away, the group split to make their way home and avoid the drizzle.

As always it was pleasure to be out with everyone even if my legs did hurt all the way round. Brian impressed on his debut and I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of him in the peleton. The Lantern will be missing next week as the Candle has persuaded him to try the Wild Wales challenge before their Pyrenean adventure. Hopefully catch up with everybody the week after.

Horseshoe pass, Moel Famau, Eryrys loop

Cast: Robbo, Chrissy, Ronnie, Mike, Lantern and newbie Brian. I'm hopeful that the Lantern will shortly be posting his own inimitable account of the day's events.

5 climbs for 3 crapis 13/08/11

A rather depleted peleton this week, as most of the Crapis had other commitments whilst others (Lantern) feared little in the way of clemency at the combined hands of Ronnie, Robbo and Vino. In the best Crapi tradition there was something for rouleurs, grimpeurs and puncheurs and the first 25 miles was covered at an average 20mph (well it was as flat as a witch's tit until we got to Rossett). That soon changed from Cefn Y Bedd as the climbs of Ffrwd, Llanfynydd-Llanarmon Yn Ial, The Shelf, Nant Y Garth and Horseshoe Pass came along in quick succession. Vino peeled off after the Nant Y Garth leaving Ronnie and Robbo to fight it out for bragging rights over the shoe and the pull along the A5.

A Gentle Stroll - OTB 06/08/11

The prospect of a new ride & the chance to hear about Craig’s exploits in the Pyrenees ensured a healthy turnout at the Patron’s bang on 10am. Chris, Ron, Vino, Craig, FDI, Patron and the Lantern set off under grey skies to rendezvous with Matinee by Moreton Park Garden Centre.

Once the group had got up to compliment and the fashion police had assured Matinee that his sartorial elegance was once again without equal in the peleton the group set off for Oswestry.

For the first time in quite a while there was a sharp right turn and the group headed up the race course hill. Matinee and Craig thoughtfully keeping pace with the Lantern early on the climb so as to not discourage him too much. Ronnie sank to a new low as he sucked the Lantern’s wheel up the climb. Further down the hill FDI sucked his gel and tried to work out why he’d got out of bed.

The group then followed the road up the valley; ignoring their usual turning for the Beast, before turning right for a new climb. The climb was steady and somewhat below the brutal “rip your legs off” climbs encountered in recent weeks and both the FDI and the Lantern had sufficiently clear vision to enjoy the fantastic views along the way.

Indeed the only noteworthy event was the Patron breaking a spoke for what seemed like the three hundredth (incidentally the number of gels FDI has consumed this year) time this year. After some running repairs and some fluent Anglo Saxon the peleton soon found itself in Llansantffraid. Whilst going through the village Craig was heard to say “Ah I know where I am now”. Truly he is just a Garmin away from having Ronnie’s sense of direction.

Matinee pulled the group from Llan all the way to the left turn for Llanymynech before the FDI and the Lantern showed everyone how to ride on the front on the way to the café!!! Honoury mention to Chris for going through the traffic lights on red with barely a pause.

The Patron announced at the café stop that he didn’t want to go up the Old Racecourse hill on the way back as he didn’t want to risk the descent with his knackered spoke. FDI and the Lantern beamed like they’d won the Euro millions.

After the café it was a quick hop over the A5 and the group headed for Whittington. Here Rocket Ronnie lived up to his name and put the hammer down. When the Lantern looked round on the outskirts of Gobowen there was no one behind him. Clearly the group was not racing today.

The fairly short but a bugger when you’re tired stretch from Gobowen to the Outskirts of Western Rhyn were accomplished more or less as a group.

After saying goodbye to the best dressed matinee in the peleton it was over the aqueduct and round the back of Chirk for one last bit of pain. After that the group climbed the Tally Ho and regrouped in Ruabon where the Lantern thought about throwing himself under a car and earned the wrath of the Patron. As the original seven rode back to the Patron’s house Chris felt something was wrong and couldn’t quite put his finger on it. “I know its that we’re all riding back together rather than being in groups” he said. “Well that is what’s supposed to happen” was the Patron’s sardonic reply.

A quick cup of tea and that was the ride. Approx 59 miles in about a 16 average.

All in all a very enjoyable variation to the usual route and it was nice not to have my legs screaming at me for the second half of the ride. Thanks as always to everyone who made it an enjoyable day out and a special mention to Craig for his encouragement re the Pyrenees. “Its steep, no I mean its really steep…..my heart rate was 400 for 2 hours…..” and other such gems have bolstered the lantern’s resolve no end.

Oh and Craig’s most impressive feat in the Pyrenees - putting on weight whilst riding nearly everyday J

Hopefully see some or most of you next weekend to do it all over again.

Stop my legs have had enough - OTB 30/07/11

I know it sounds stupid with hindsight but the Lantern was really looking forward to today’s jaunt over to Pistyll Rhaeadr - it was years since the group had gone that way. Feeling somewhat frisky he, rashly as it turned out, decided to cycle down from Coedpoeth meeting up with Vino on the descent. The Lantern obviously wasn’t the only one that was keen as Chris, Ron and even the Candle appeared at the Patron’s before 9am. Mark turned up at 9am on the dot and was almost left behind.

The group set out to meet Matinee in Chirk with the Lantern big ringing it up the Tally Ho (Chirk side) for the first time in years - no one noticed and he was f**ked by the top.

After collecting the Matinee the group headed up the Ceiriog valley where the climbers were conspicuous by their absence from the front of the bunch. Even the Lantern had a go!! Chris was busy pointing out to Matinee that although he was very colour coordinated with his bike, his helmet clashed. This necessitated a piss stop in Glyn Ceiriog where the matinee was able to confirm this sad fact.

After Glyn the pace gradually kept creeping up and the Lantern slipped from head of the bunch to his usual spot in double quick time. Still he held on until just after Llanarmon……..

Just outside the village the road goes round a few bends then there is a right turn and pain swoops down; or at least it did for the Lantern. As most of the peleton disappeared up the road the Lantern impersonated a woman in protracted labour and fought to keep the Patron’s back wheel in sight. After regrouping at the top there was a slight descent before another steep, but mercifully short, climb before a nice long descent.

The Lantern had recovered enough by now to admire the spot in the road where he, the Patron and Chris had hit the deck spectacularly a few years earlier - oh what happy memories cycling gives you.

Before we knew it the group barrelled through the town and turned right for the climb up to the falls. Well I know its been a while since we last did it but I’m bloody sure someone’s moved the waterfall in the interim. The Lantern barely made it across the car park to the café.

During lunch there was much talk of the Eisteddfod’s opening concert the previous evening. Ron asked whether they’d sung in Welsh. Vino couldn’t have looked more appalled if Ron had asked him to wipe his a**e.

Matinee, Mark and Chris were both muttering about getting back and the Lantern was fearful of the pace on the way back (with good reason as it turned out).

The pace down the Tenant valley began at a brisk but doable 21-22mph. The Lantern even began to entertain thoughts he could keep that up until they reached Oswestry some 13 miles away. After a particularly brave and arduous (well I thought so) turn on the front the Lantern peeled off and the world went white. Or at least it did for the Lantern. Vino hit the front and the accelerator simultaneously and the Lantern spent the next couple of miles desperately hanging on behind Mark. Ron, the Candle and Matinee continued to put the hurt on the Lantern whose internal dialogue consisted of trying to persuade his legs they were behaving like sissies and it wasn’t hurting at all. The Lantern saw the approaching turn off for Blodwell Bank and thought “Nearly at the crossroads”. At that moment the Patron stuck out his left hand and the Lantern caved and admitted his legs had been right all along.

There was nothing left and he crawled up Blodwell like a snail going over broken glass. The climb from Oswestry up towards Selattyn was made bearable by the Candle’s promise to run him home afterwards.

After Western Rhyn Matinee peeled off to race home in time for an afternoon at Hogwarts and Chris, Ron, Vino, Mark and the Candle raced off up the Tally Ho.

Meanwhile at the back the Lantern had blown more thoroughly than Linda Lovelace over her entire career and the Patron was contemplating calling in Britannia Rescue to get him home.

Eventually he trundled back to the Patron’s and had a reviving cuppa followed by that much needed lift home.

This was a proper ‘head gasket’s gone’ implosion by the Lantern. Too much too soon was the charge levelled at him by the Patron and it was right. Still at least he knew he’d worked hard.

As always thanks to all on the ride for making it so enjoyable and hopefully we’ll meet up again next week and I won’t implode.

Todays ride

Pistyll Rhaeadr via Glyn Ceiriog 30/07/11

If we hadn't had enough hills last week, there were a few more thrown in this week to keep Vino happy. This week's grupetto - Robbo, Chris, Lantern, Vino, Patron, Rocket, Mike, Ronnie.

24/07/11 - You want me to ride up there!!!!!!!!!!

Having being treated to a new changing area by “not tight just prudent” Vino, the Lantern rolled into the usual meeting place with Vino and wiped the smile off the Candle’s face who was entertaining thoughts of not being last to get ready. The Lantern was pleased to see Mark making a welcome return to the peloton but somewhat concerned by the FDI’s absence. On the promised hilly route he felt he might not manage to corral a large enough Gruppetto to avoid elimination.

The group trundled out blissfully unaware of the hardships to come. As the group rode up towards Llyn Celyn the Lantern reflected that going uphill for the first hour of the ride wasn’t really his idea of fun and passed the time by idly wondering when exactly FDI would have reached for a gel, had he been there. Crossing the A4212, with no inkling of the suffering he’d endure along that self same road later, the lantern huffed and puffed behind the rest of the peloton who looked like they were still in the neutralised zone. Eventually the group passed the sometime café stop and began the descent into Blaenau.

Somewhere on that road the group hung a left & descended a single track rode with varying degrees of aplomb before a quick left then right and, after barely a 50 yard detour and a 360, another right. The Crapis found themselves on a lovely winding road. Appreciative murmurs were heard from the peloton about the views. The Matinee Idol following his pilot fish, the lantern, but punctured when he couldn’t avoid the rocks the lantern had, inconceivably, bounced over. Matinee’s back tyre went down faster than a premiership footballer. Matinee’s initial diagnosis of “I think the tyre’s f*cked” proved wide of the mark and with a brief diversion to knock his bike over for comedy effect the peloton was once more on the move.

The gradient grew steadily steeper and the lantern began to feel as confident as Andy Schleck on a Pyrenean descent. Rocket Ronnie hurtled down it like it was a ski ramp. Just as the lantern decided at any moment he was going to take off and form the flying V-shape, he was bought back to earth by a puncture. After a quick change the peloton was off again and swung onto another idyllic looking single track road. That lasted for a couple of miles before the track became festooned with stones and rabid looking dogs (thankfully chained up) both of which were a bit disconcerting. Mark completed the group’s hat-trick by picking up another puncture.

Waiting up the road at the Tan y Bwlch junction it finally dawned on the other five that one of the missing trio of Crapis must have punctured. With thinly veiled comments passing between Vino and the Candle about the nature of the next climb the lantern decided to act decisively. “F*ck it I’m making a start, you buggers will catch me anyway” he muttered and rode off with the sound of the Candle sniggering like Mutley in his ears.

Well I’m not sure how everyone else found it but the lantern wept tears of pure joy when he rounded the corner and saw the road ramping up before him. Oh Happy Day he thought as he bought out his patented Ivor the Engine climbing noises and chugged away up the climb. Remarkably near the top, the rest must have waited ages, he was joined by Vino and then the Candle. Cresting the hill the lantern attempted to follow the Candle down the other side but had to back off and marvel in admiration at his descending - still got a fat arse though mate!!!!

After another regrouping the peloton headed towards the Osprey observatory road on a thankfully flat piece of road at a fairly serene pace. Cue Rocket Ron on the front to push the pace up a bit. Never mind, the lantern thought we’ve just passed a sign saying Porthmadog three miles and that’s where the café is. Just as he had thought this Vino indicated right.

Well for maybe 50 yards the road looked ok then it suddenly ramped up in front of the Crapis in truly terrifying fashion. Never mind the Lantern thought it’ll flatten out around the next bend…..ok maybe the next one……please god the next one…..f*ck I’m getting off!! Most of the peloton were out of sight by this time but the lantern could hear, carried through the clear Welsh air, the unmistakable sound of bars being chewed. In the distance the Patron was still on his bike when he had no right to be (as in his words “This f**kers too steep for the likes of you and me”) before he too succumbed and joined the Crapi Ramblers (thanks Carl). Slightly ahead the Lantern could see his brother, the Candle, slumped over his bars gasping for breath with his legs shaking like Elvis in his pomp!!

The three regrouped and tried again; 100 yards up the road they were off again. Much cursing and threats against Vino’s person ensued. Chris and Mark came back to the trio and a conference was held to determine what to do. Eventually due to the fact that a) no one wanted to ride down anything that steep and b) no one knew where the café was it was agreed to continue. Mark and Chris rode off and shortly thereafter the road levelled off a bit, say to 20%, and the other three managed to get up to the others. More suffering followed before the peloton made it to the top of the climb.

Going down the other side was much more agreeable and the peloton descended gentler slopes through stunning views across the bay. Eventually Vino took the group through several sets of roadwork’s, round a roundabout twice, through Porthmadog and on to Borth-y-Gest for a welcome café stop. It was decreed at the café that there’d be no messing about on the way home and we’d just go back on the main road. The Lantern fully approved this plan.

After crossing the toll road over the estuary to more stunning views the group headed back towards Maentwrog when suddenly the Patron shouted “Carl are we turning right here”? The Lantern did a double-take. Up there!! Oh goody that looks steep. The Lantern tried to take a flier and get the jump on most of the group but within 200 yards of the start of the climb he found himself off the back. The technical cycling term for what had happened to the Lantern is “he was completely f**ked from that previous climb”. Slowly he ground his way up towards the top and thought dark thoughts about Vino.

Thankfully after the climb not too much height was lost on the descent and the Lantern was able to hang on until the group turned onto A4212 (remember that) to Bala. Shortly after the turn-off there was a short sharp ramp and the lantern lost contact and the Patron, whether through choice or necessity, joined him.

The rest of the peloton pulled clear and raced off towards Bala. Slowly but surely the Candle and Mark were dropped from the bunch. Four became two as Vino and Ronnie shot off and, despite a valiant attempt by the Matinee Idol (well according to him anyway), they were first back at the cars followed by Matinee, Chris, Candle and Mark.

Meanwhile off the back the Patron and Lantern were sweating and cursing up every ramp in the road. What tended to happen was that Patron would launch himself up each climb whilst the Lantern plodded. Once over the top Patron free-wheeled until Lantern caught up then they hit a drag, etc, etc. Eventually they made it back to the car due entirely due the Patron’s efforts dragging Lantern home.

Due to Carl’s tightness the Lantern didn’t get any post ride interviews this week but I imagine everyone was fairly subdued on account of being so knackered. Mark you certainly picked a good ride for your return!!! I didn’t see much of you and when I did I had no breath to chat but was good to see you and you looked like you were going well!!

As well as the usual thanks for everyone making the ride (almost) enjoyable I thought I’d paraphrase a few words from a certain Mr Shakespeare to do justice to the heroic deeds done this day:

“This day is called the feast of St Crapi.
He that survives this day and comes home safe,
Will stand on tip-toe when this day is named,
And perk up at the name of Crapi.
He that makes it to be an old git,
Will bore his mates each year,
And say “Tomorrow is St Crapis”
Then he’ll pull down his cycling shorts and show his scars,
And say “I got these scars on St Crapis day”

Chapeau one and all for surviving “Vino’s Vendetta” and hopefully I’ll see you all next weekend for another Crapi adventure - less hills though please!!!!

Crapis congratulate Al Lewis

Congratulations to Alan Lewis on his second place overall in the Oswestry Sprint Triathlon today. The cycle course included the climb of the Llansilin beast and Blodwell bank and only 30 odd seconds kept Al of the podium top spot.

http://ootri.webs.com//Oswestry%20Sprint%20Triathlon%202011%20catagory%20winners.pdf

A gentle jaunt with the Crapis - 09/07/11

This week saw a new addition to the peleton with Gaz Waud added to the Crapis palmares (offers for nicknames gratefully accepted). The FDI looked thoughtful when he arrived at the Patron’s house; apparently last week’s urine sample was almost entirely made up of a gel like substance. With Chris, Pepperami, Vino, Roger Whittaker and the Lantern rounding out the group the Patron led the way to meet up with Matinee.

FDI set a new record when he had a gel at the Moreton Park garden centre. Rumours that he is in advanced talks to have a revolving carousel fitted to his top tube to hold his gels are unconfirmed at time of going to press.

Western Rhyn saw another first as the Patron called a piss stop; FDI shot off to take advantage. It was then that the patron announced that the group would not be turning left outside WR but heading straight up to Selattyn. The Lantern groaned; FDI’s fingers closed around another gel…..

The climb didn’t stop in Selattyn as the group carried on climbing before eventually coming down at the far side of the racecourse hill. Gaz putting in an impressive performance on his first climb with the peleton (actually I was miles behind so I’ve no idea, but he’s new so I thought I’d be nice!!).

After swapping yarns until FDI and the Lantern appeared, the group then made its way towards the beast. After some formation descending by the peleton which left Gaz bemused and concerned (until assured it wasn’t compulsory) the group turned left for the beast. Vino, Roger, Chris, Peppers and Matinee pulled clear. Gaz, with the Patron keeping a paternal eye on him (and probably uttering things like “knock it back, it kicks up in a bit”), climbed steadily. Meanwhile the Lantern fumbled for his lowest gear and FDI’s hand slid towards his…..

With the group back together at the top, FDI shot off down the descent faster than diarrhoea coming out of a baby. The peleton swung right for Trefonen and FDI continued his assault until he suffered an energy implosion and his hand slid gratefully towards his…..

After the descent of Blodwell Bank the peleton was back together and headed towards Llanymynech with Chris, Peppers, Matinee and the Patron setting the tone for a fast dash to the village. Once over the main road the pace hotted up faster than the Lantern on an Alpine climb before the Patron called a left turn for an alternative ride to the café.

Once at the café the FDI sought out the Lantern and confirmed his legs had gone and he was knackered (N.B. He says this every week). After some light refreshment the peleton set out for the ride back. FDI’s café legs kicked in again as he slid off the back and usurped its rightful owner on the climb out of Morda. The Lantern hung on with the climbers (Hushovd like he though….) until the bottom of the old racecourse hill and then watched the usual suspects and the peleton’s newest member ride off up the road.

Whilst the Lantern did his Ivor the Engine impression up the climb the FDI was being shepherded by the Patron and brother Chris.

Another regrouping at the top saw FDI take a flier down the descent and the rest of the peleton left Gaz standing with their descending skills (apart from Vino who made sure Gaz didn’t miss the turn-off). The climb out of Oswestry was hard as usual (well it was for me you bastards!) and the Lantern’s mood wasn’t lightened by watching the FDI sail past him with Vino’s hand on his derriere (I believe they are just good friends….).

At the top FDI passed on the chance of a piss stop - things were worse than the Lantern imaged. The peleton stayed together until WR where the big boys (well Peppers and Vino) went off the front to wave goodbye to Matinee at the roundabout.

The rest of the peleton hit Chirk Bank and it nearly knocked the FDI out. Foaming a gel-like substance from his mouth he appeared on Chirk High street like an extra from the “Thriller” video. Roger Whittaker, Chris, Patron and Gaz rode up the Tally Ho together with Chris putting in a gentle reminder of his climbing skills while the Lantern rode in front of the FDI who had, by now, exchanged his gels for rosary beads and was just praying he’d get home.

The Lantern took this time to discuss with Coppi the improvements in cycling aids since his death in 1960. Whilst water and possibly a few amphetamines sufficed in his heyday perhaps energy drinks could be the way forward in these more enlightened times. The FDI sucked thoughtfully on a gel and said he’d think about it.

Back at Café le Patron Gaz was having his bike serviced when the Lantern returned (FDI having gone straight home) but there was no sign of Vino and Peppers. They arrived moments later and explained they’d missed the group whilst waiting by the Garden Centre (Note to Vino - Do not follow Peppers it never ends well) and some nonsense about a puncture stopping them reeling in the FDI and the Lantern. Ha!!

Tea and nutrigrain bars were consumed on the patio and all was well with the world. Hopefully Gaz enjoyed his first trip out with the Crapis and will return in a few weeks.

The FDI would like to pass on his thanks to everyone who ensured he got home still able to say his own name and, as ever, I’d like to thank everyone for making it such a lovely ride. Hopefully we’ll meet up and do it all again next weekend!!

P.S. Matinee - with seven consonants and only 2 vowels I’m passing on a new anagram for today’s ride!!

Not quite 90

A Cook’s Tour - Crapi’s on Tour 02/07/11

The toughest aspect of this week’s ride appeared to be gathering the entire peleton in the same car park - Newtown only has 2 and we still managed a 5-4 split. Still thanks to an overly cautious early depart from home the peleton - Patron, Chris, Ron, Dave (Henceforth FDI), Matinee, Craig, Candle, Lantern and Vino (Hint to Vino that’s 9 people) - were still ready to roll out of Newtown at 9am.

Armed only with a printed map, 4 gels and a square jaw the Patron led the peleton out of Newtown and straight onto the first climb. The rest of the lads gave him a wide berth as he’d mention having bad guts (Ronnie can testify to the toilet acoustics later). Eventually after about 30 minutes on the front someone took pity and went to talk to him……Meanwhile at the back, an ever optimistic FDI was telling the Lantern his legs had gone as his hand crept towards his gel stash….

The peleton swung right off the main road and were soon enjoying the quiet country roads complete with stunning views. What a lovely way to ride your bike the Lantern thought. At that very moment an earth shattering “Piss stop boys” rent the air and scattered birds for several miles.

Ablutions complete, the peleton continued to wind its merry way down the country lanes with both FDI and the Lantern putting in appearances up at the front. Both later agreed that would do for the day. Somewhere around this time the pack missed a right which added 10 miles onto the day. Some have blamed the Lantern who was on the front at the time but in his defence I’d like to say 2 things:

1) Go on admit it, you loved the extra mileage.

2) Craig’s all singing (and yes it is very impressive) satnav thingy didn’t spot it either - I believe it thought we were on the outskirts of Bala at the time……..

Eventually the group made it to Elan Valley visitor centre and a very welcome rest. Fully refreshed the Patron and the Lantern visited the latrines. Ron had the misfortune to be in there at the same time and apparently hasn’t slept since.

Having refuelled and, in some instances, lightened the load, the group set off to ride up past the dams of the Elan Valley. A truly stunning bit of road followed and the group toiled on (well at least FDI and the Lantern did) before swinging right and climbing up out of the valley. Or so the Lantern thought. After a brief climb the road turned down again and headed towards the bottom of the day’s “climb”. The group had splintered by now and so the fast boys missed the sight of the Patron gripping the bars tight; the seat tighter and muttering a prayer as he hit the metal bridge just before the climb.

The Lantern had no such worries and sailed over it before gripping the bars tight; the seat tighter and muttering a prayer as he hit the bottom of the climb. Behind him he could hear Ron and FDI chatting as they climbed - bastards!! The Lantern suspects that FDI only shut up cause he was gulping a gel……

FDI and the Lantern failed to make the second picture of the day due to taking too long on the climb. Candle failed to make either on account of it being his camera.

The lovely descent was over far too soon and Craig was yelling “left turn” after finally figuring out where the “on” switch was on the Garmin. Just after the turn the Lantern distinctly heard Craig say it was about 15 miles to go…..

When the peleton regrouped at a Post Office it was still about 15 miles to go apparently……

Half a mile outside the village the Lantern led the group onto the A470, up a drag and past a sign that said Newtown 20 miles - **@@%&^ Garmin the Lantern thought.

Once the Lantern pulled over Dick Dastardly, sorry I mean Ronnie, hit the front. After skulking at the back for most of the ride he now did what he does best. Tries to hurt people in the last 20!! The pace went over 30 and the FDI then hit the front and kept the pace high. Whilst the Lantern prayed for absolution the peleton sped on like someone had shoved half a pound of ginger up its jaxie as rider after rider came through and the peleton ate up the mileage.

Mercifully, at least from the Lantern’s viewpoint, Patron called a halt and the group turned left, missed another right and then eventually turned right. At this point (approx 77 miles in) the peleton splintered with the big boys going to fight it out and FDI and the Lantern bringing up the rear with their minders - Chris and the Patron.

Apparently the Garmin had one last trick up its sleeve as the lead group, now shorn of the Candle, overshot their turn and allowed the Candle to claim “First back to the cars” honour. Though technically his transport was in a different car park so maybe that disqualifies him….?

All in all a fantastic day out for the lads and, as always, thanks to all of you for making it such a pleasure to ride with the Craps. Hopefully we’ll all meet up again next weekend and do it all over again J

P.S. Hope you all guessed FDI stood for Flying Dead Italian

Newtown & Elan Valley

Pyrenean training continues......

Robbo and The Lantern took their own hangover enforced late-start outing today, whilst the rest of the Crapis headed for the challenge of the Crimea pass and the Trawfynydd - Bala gated road. Hopefully one of the gang will post a map or a write up later.

Meanwhile, our roving reporter managed to catch up with Robbo and the Lantern as they battled their way around the North Wales/Cheshire borders. The Lantern explained that he'd asked Robbo to "make it a toughie" as he was "desperate to kick Mike's arse" when they got to France. Robbo happily obliged, insisting on just 2 simple rules for the day 1) No cafe stop 2) No mercy.

"I love riding with Robbo" the Lantern told our reporter. "He really knows how to encourage me when I'm struggling" the Lantern gushed, saying things like "keep pedalling" and "Feckin hell we'll never get home at this rate mate". "Robbo hadn't told me where we going today" the Lantern explained, "but I was thrilled when the first climb of the day was a long 20% pull out of Llanfynydd". He later confided that he had considered "doing a Dave" if it had gone on much longer.

The route was still shrouded in mystery after Llanarmon Yn Ial, but the Lantern said "I could have cried with joy" when Robbo decided to take them up The Shelf. Just when things couldn't get any better, the Lantern "realised with growing excitement that we'd also be coming out at the bottom of the Nant Y Garth" which would "warm him up nicely" for the last climb up Horseshoe. The Lantern was non-committal when our reporter asked about his detailed French preparation, although he did let one little titbit slip. "I've been training with half a hundred weight of Kind Edwards stuffed down me bibshorts" he confided. This tactic almost backfired on the descent of the Shelf however, when a couple of the tasty taters tumbled out of his bibs, narrowly missing his spokes. "I thought I'd had me chips there for a minute" he cheekily quipped.

Our reporter managed to catch up with the Intrepid duo just before Llangollen on their final push back home. Robbo was chuffed with himself after overtaking and dropping a Robin Reliant coming of the horseshoe. After a promising start and 4 big climbs, the day had taken it's toll, and by this point, the Lantern was trembling like a shitting dog as he fumbled for his factor 50.

Credit where it's due though. The Lantern showed strength, determination and grit today and was only about a minute behind me coming out of the Nant Y Garth. Chapeau mate.

Bala and back

Birthday ride from Corwen

Top birthday ride, thanks everyone for the present.

22/05/11 - Strongest wind ever - Patron not to blame shock!!!

To say it was a blustery morning when the Craps gathered at chez Le Patron is a bit like saying Le Patron lets the odd fart slip out - superficially true but no where near doing it justice. Attention was diverted by Roger’s shiny new Garmin computer which apparently told you everything you need to know apart from where the Bloody Candle was!! Late again today he’d be in trouble though he’d say he was sorry - Christ he’s turned into Horace Wimp!!! Like the true taxi driver he once was when asked his whereabouts he replied “I’m just turning off the bypass now lads”.

Somewhat later than anticipated the peleton set off towards its rendezvous with Matinee at Moreton. Several stops to don/shed capes followed as the group battled strong winds; eventually the rendezvous was made at the foot of Chirk Bank and the group wound its way up to Western Rhyn.

Another cape stop ensued before they were once again shed just before the run down into Oswestry. The Patron threw the group into confusion by having a piss stop on the way out this week. On the other side of Oswestry it was on with capes again. Peppers tried a new variation called how many twists can I put in my cape and still get it on. He was left looking like Houdini with both arms pinioned behind his back and his bike on the floor.

The group flew through Maesbury Marsh with the Candle on the front followed by Roger with the Lanterne hanging on for grim death up the drag to the main road. Shortly after the group hung a right and hit the back roads which were blessedly free of cars but, if anything, even more open to blustery gusts swirling around the peleton.

Shortly before the climb Chris turned up the heat and the Lantern felt something snap - think it was his Achilles….. The climb was reached and the peleton threw themselves at it with gusto apart from the lantern….who just threw up.

Roger, Vino, Matinee shot off up it like the Red Arrows display team whilst the Patron kept his own pace and the Lantern chugged valiantly behind like a badly maintained steam engine. Vino’s resume of the ride made reference to getting a stiff one up the back of Rodney’s column. Sometimes the Lantern is quite glad to be off the back……..

There was a brief regrouping at the bottom of the descent but as soon as the group turned onto the main road to Welshpool Matinee shot off like someone had stuffed ginger up his jaxie. The brothers Hughes and Patron reacted quickly; the Candle and Roger Whittaker soon followed. Vino wavered looked behind, saw the Lantern struggling and waited. A nobler and, lets be honest, more futile gesture has rarely been witnessed on a bike. Half a mile after catching up the Lantern was off the back and both he and Carl were destined to ride solo into the teeth of the gale for 7-8 miles into Welshpool. To replicate the feeling tie several large tyres to the bike of your bike (no comments about the lantern having them round his middle thank you) and occasionally ride into a brick wall. As Vino rightly said in his write up “Duw it was hard”. Though at least no spokes were broken which is more than could said for the Patron - much more of this and his nickname will need to be changed to Buster!!

Naughty boy the Candle had been designated catcher to ensure the turn off wasn’t missed and eventually this band of brothers alighted at the café in Welshpool.

I will say the food was very nice but Vino looked ready to go to war over the time it took to make him a tuna baguette - baguette, butter and tuna - how hard can it be?

On the return leg Matinee noticed the wind had dropped to force 12 and took this as his signal to launch a blistering attack. Such was his speed that the Lantern came to the only logically conclusion - “He obviously needs a shit badly”!!! This burst of acceleration forced the Lantern to run up the white flag; unfortunately no one but the Patron saw it. So once again it was left to the Patron to shepherd the Lantern back until they met up with the group who’d waited near Selattyn.

After bidding farewell to Matinee the group wheeled its weary way back to the Patron’s patio for a much needed cuppa. Talk turned to the day’s ride; Peppers pronounced it “Hardest ride of the year Al”. Vino looked glassy eyed slumped on the patio. Average speeds were discussed and 16.5ish seemed reasonable; the Lantern kept his head down. The Candle volunteered that his had been about 17.5; amid a howl of protest he conceded he may not have got the conversion from KPH to MPH quite right.

Strangely enough the Lantern had been wondering why he persists with KPH earlier on during the struggle back from Welshpool. He assumes it was to do with the “I Just Biked” website he posts his rides on. The Lantern ideally mused whether there was a “I Just Bonked” website as this would have been nearer his experience that day. Probably there is but its probably not related to cycling…!!! The Lantern thought if he posted his total ride time - 4hrs 33 minutes, max speed 35mph and average speed 15.1mph on that site he would be besieged by hopeful females with a lustful glint in their eye…… Funny what you think about on the bike isn’t it!!!

Once again thanks to everyone who waited for the Lantern and special mention to Matinee and Peppers for not giving him one of their motivational speeches - much appreciated boys.

Hopefully see some of you next weekend for a ride and Patron - enjoy your holiday and thanks for all the help.

Windy in Welshpool

15/05/11 - At Least it’s not Sodding Raining!!!

A small apology for the tardiness of the last couple of reports, this was due to illness last week and being sh**ged this week. Haven’t even had chance to read Vino’s report yet but looking forward to after meeting my deadline.

A somewhat smaller peloton assembled at the Patron’s on a drab Sunday morning which threatened rain. Chris was waylaid doing stuff to one brother’s car and trying to cajole Dave into putting on his lycra on in anger once again. Mark “Honestly caravanning’s great lads…..” pulled a sickie &, looking at the leaden sky, the Lantern wished he’d done the same. Patron was claiming his back was “f**ked”, Peppers was “sh**ged” and Vino claimed to have an injured Achilles courtesy of a ladder. The Lantern looked rueful; this could only mean one thing - it’d be fast today. The peloton was rounded out by Roger Whittaker with a rendezvous with Matinee planned for Chirk.

A fairly uneventful run down the Tally Ho saw the Lantern on the front - it might be his only chance!! He followed this up by only sliding off the back about halfway up the other side. In Chirk Matinee, after a week’s holiday, was early; chomping at the bit to get going like a dog who’s smelled a bitch on heat down the road. After everyone had admired his tan (who’d have thought they had sun beds in Cornwall……) the peloton set off again.

Thankfully the group was spared the Rivers of Babylon experience of the previous week as they made their way up to Glyn Ceiriog without a soaking. Vino, Roger and Matinee frothing at the mouth at the prospect of the climb to come. A left turn in Glyn and they hit the climb. Unfortunately for the Lantern the climb hit back and he was soon frothing at the mouth himself as the others disappeared up the road. Roger and Matinee soon became a distant speck; followed by Vino & the Patron.

When the Lantern gratefully crested the top there was no sign of the others - the bastards!!! Thankfully Peppers; who’s pitted early due to poor tyre choice (well either that or he needed a piss) caught up and whistled past. The Lantern gamely followed him down to Selattyn; all the while with ‘Lost in France’ going round in his head for some reason……..

The rest of the group were waiting in Selattyn and the bunch sped through Oswestry and turned up towards Trefonen where once again the Lantern slid a little (but not as much as recent weeks!!). At the bottom of Blodwell Bank Vino turned on the afterburners as he sped towards Llynclys. Unfortunately no one was on his wheel and the rest of the peloton chased to catch him with the Lantern muttering dark thoughts under his breath as the pain mounted (However, let me stress it was NOT pain from being mounted….!!).

After the Crossroads Peppers hit the front and did his usual ‘Let’s see how fast I have to go before the Lantern turns blue). 30mph is the answer; a testament to the Lantern’s improving fitness!! After Peppers pulled over Lantern brought the pace down to 23 and then slid off the front and, shortly after, the back as well whilst thinking “F**k em, I know the way to the café from here”.

After some lovely sustenance and respite where the Lantern’s legs could be heard pinging like a cooling engine, the peloton set off back home.

Edited highlights of the return trip were the Lantern big ringing it up the drag from Oswestry towards Selattyn for the first time since 1947; the Patron not needing a piss stop at the top, Peppers suddenly finding the energy to race up the Tally Ho with Roger and the Lantern’s gears slipping so loudly that the Patron was convinced someone had bust a spoke!!

It may only have been 56 miles but the Lantern found it to be a bit of a grueller and whimpered quietly for the rest of the day. Still it’s a long time since his average broke 16mph so he was happy.

As always thanks to everyone for a great ride and looking forward to next Sunday’s ride already.

P.S. Ronnie/Chris/Allan/Anybody - It’s my birthday on Saturday and all I really want for it is a copy of the holiday DVD to watch!!!

08/05/11 - “It’s raining; it’s pouring; the Patron is snor……!”

Snorkeling would, I feel, be the correct answer to the above!!

A very tardy Off the Back report from almost two weeks ago but seeing as how we had a guest I thought I better.

The usual suspects minus Vino (injury), Matinee (holiday) and Dave (car trouble) assembled at chez Le Patron under leaden skies. Mark turned up and Roger bought his mate James who, for some reason, the Lantern had only ever heard referred to as Gladys who had a power monitor nuclear fission mount (or something techy like that) on his bike. The geeks of the group salivated over it….. The patron said they’d have a look at the weather in Chirk before deciding whether to go up to Glyn Ceiriog.

The peloton set off in the mist and murk with James proving himself a personable addition and Mark….. LOL sorry mate couldn’t resist that!!

Well at Chirk it was raining but the peloton pressed on with the Patron giving James a running commentary as to the delights of North Wales and; as the rain increased, with water running insistently down top tubes whilst being thrown up incessantly by summer bikes. The Patron called a stop to put capes on. After it had been explained to Peppers that his Bat cape wouldn’t keep him dry the group moved off again. Onwards through Glyn Ceiriog and ever upwards the group sped all the while getting wetter and wetter. The Lantern by now yo-yoing off the back whilst James effortlessly cruised up and down the peloton.

The rest of the group chatted amiably as the group worked its way up to Llanarmon DC whilst the Lantern slowly turned blue from exertion and exposure. A quick left in Llan DC and the road kicks up steeply. James; Roger, Mark and sundry others cruised off like it was only a 1/10 whilst the Lantern sweated and shivered at the back. The Lantern suddenly had a pressing need to lose some weight (to use a polite analogy). “Never mind” he thought soon be at the café. Just as he thought this the Patron said “We’ll make it a non-stopper today boys”. What the lantern would have given for a stopper at that moment. Through gritted teeth and carefully controlled farts the crisis was averted and the soggy peloton regrouped without the Lantern having birthed twins but it was definitely touch and cloth for a while.

The unrelenting weather and undulating terrain did nothing to improve the Lantern’s mood when the patron announced where they’d come out and the fact that it’d mean going up the back of the racecourse hill. Everyone else rejoiced whilst the Lantern looked for a handy stick to shove through the Patron’s spokes. Needless to say James & sundry others disappeared into the distance whilst the Patron shepherded the Lantern up to the brow.

On the descent the Lantern discovered two things; he was faster downhill than James (so that was something) and his wheels were fast enough to freewheel past Roger whilst he was pedaling downhill!!!!

BTW it had by now stopped raining.

The peloton sailed into Oswestry and turned left by the police station for the drag up to western Rhyn. After the Patron’s, by now, almost obligatory piss stop the group headed back home via a very painful (at least for the Lantern) Tally Ho. Just at the top of this drag the patron had the double misfortune of puncturing and only having the Lantern for company. After his pump failed to inflate his tyre the lantern gamely handed his pump over. “How does it work?” the patron asked; the Lantern shrugged. Suffice to say that the Patron didn’t manage to get the Lantern’s pump to work and ended up stranded.

The Lantern rode home alone whilst the Patron called in International Rescue; or Roger as he’s known to the Peloton.

After tea and biscuits at chez le Patron everyone went their separate ways. As we left Chris asked James; “Will you be out with us next week?” James replied it might not be next week. Chris countered with “We’ve got a good un planned”. Still James hesitated. Chris just so you understand - You know you think Manchester is far away? Well James lives in Cumbria which is even further away so it’d be a bit of a commute to make the Patron’s start time!!! And we all know what the Patron would say if he was even 5 minutes late - “F**k him he knows what time we go”!!!!

Thanks to everyone who made the ride so enjoyable despite the awful weather.

Racecourse Hill and The Beast of Llansilin

Volunteers - Robbo, Chrissy, Peppers, Vino, Craig, Candle, Coppi

Myndweek madness 27th April 2011

The challenge of a sustained 20% climb up the legendary Burway road on the Long Mynd lured Robbo, le Patron and the Candle to forego holiday lie ins in favour of a cracking day in the saddle. I've uploaded a the route map as usual. This shows the Burway as a Cat 2 climb with an average between 6 and 7%. I have to put the record straight and say that's b*llocks as the gradient compares to the gated road between Bala and Trawsfynydd and the Bwlch Penbarra.

Off The Back - 23rd April 2011

Ludicrous revisited

The Patron was back on form this week - 9am start in Bala. The somewhat bleary eyed peloton slowly assembled in the appointed car park apart from Vino who'd parked on Council premises and Dave who, it was alleged, was too tight to pay for parking (however, it subsequently transpired that he’d spent all his spare cash on paracetamol, pro plus & red bull). Eight Crapis on parade and seven heeded the Patron’s Welsh top call whilst Vino tried to show the lads how nice a bit of Celeste would look on proposed Crapi tops (it didn’t work).

Pepperami managed to set a new record by going the wrong way a mere 20 yards after leaving the car park thus proving beyond doubt there really is only one Lord Baltimore!!

The pace up the main road to the turn off was brisk without being suicidal. Coppi was looking a lot better this week; probably something to do with exchanging his long johns for a pair of shorts at last. A short time after the turnoff the road pointed up towards the stars, and the group split. Carl shot off (he’s either very very good on the hills or his prostate’s playing up…..) followed by Candle and Matinee. Coppi took one look at the incline ahead of him and pulled out the rosaries. However, what a difference a week makes as Coppi threw himself into the climb urged on by his brothers. The Lantern on the other hand was already suffering…….. Already looking like an overfed Xmas turkey in his Welsh top (doesn’t lycra stretch a long way….) he now began to feel like he’d been in the oven for a couple of hours. Added to this his legs didn’t appear to be working; “F**k, back to being last” he thought.

Eventually he made it to the top of the last climb where Vino stood holding the gate open and just managed to resist the temptation to slam it in the Lantern’s face for making him wait there so long.

Downhill the lantern thought; much better…….. As his glasses slowly misted over he began to revise his opinion. Coppi meantime was laughing with the sheer pleasure of no longer going uphill. The lantern was just congratulating himself on narrowly avoiding missing the bend he always misjudged when he came to the next one and realised……he was very wrong. Having no choice but to go straight on he ploughed an impressive furrow, scattering debris before coming to rest next to big brother; the Candle, with nothing worse than a blown front tyre.

Whilst the distant sounds of Coppi’s whoops of joy suggested the rest of the peloton were carrying on regardless the boys set about repairing the damage. One blown tube later it was discovered the tyre had a big slit in its side wall. Candle sorted this by inserting a gel sachet (Coppi before you weep at such a waste it was an empty one!!) and pronounced “It’ll hold as long as you take it steady”. Having managed to contact ground control the boys headed down gingerly to be met by Vino who had sportingly volunteered to come and find the boys. He then proceeded to turn round and cane it back down the hill and all prospect of taking it easy vanished.

Eventually the peloton regrouped and the Candle explained his impressive deeds whilst the Lantern desperately sucked air into his lungs. Coppi appeared to be still high on adrenalin (or was it poppers??).

The reformed peleton rocketed down to Maentwrog and turned for Blaenau where Vino, Matinee and the Candle made a break for the café. The Patron, Chris and Peppers shepherded Coppi and the bewildered Lantern through Ffestiniog, a place almost as dour as the Lantern’s mood.

Eventually after much sweating, farting and cursing (and that was just the Lantern) and Peppers telling Coppi about four times “This is the last drag honest….” the remnants of the peloton arrived at the café stop.

The Lantern sat with Peppers and bemoaned how bad he was going; much worse than last week. Peppers, every ready with an encouraging word replied “There wasn’t much climbing last week”.

After ingesting some lovely food at the café the peloton set off again with Coppi discussing the curse of “café legs” (looked more like chicken legs to me…) with anyone who’d lend him an ear. The peloton kept together down to the main road back to Bala but blew apart on the first climb after that.

Vino, Matinee, Patron, Chris and Peppers fought out an epic duel by all accounts (well theirs anyway) and achieved Mach 3 just after the rafting Centre whilst flying back to the cars (how Coppi and the Lantern longed to do just that!!).

The Candle flickered on that first climb but wasn’t snuffed out and provided the hare for Coppi and the Lantern to try and reel in. Once they got within 10 yards but the bastard wouldn’t wait and the effort finally told on the two runts of the litter and Candle came home alone.

Coppi and the Lantern did keep a respectable pace on the way back, averaging between 18-20mph but they couldn’t make any impression. Every hundred yards or so Coppi uttered either “That climbing killed me today” or “This is the hardest ride I’ve done”. The Lantern could only marvel that he had any breath to spare as he fought to keep his chubby frame in touch with the flying dead Italian.

At last Bala came into sight and the dynamic duo just about had the energy to wave in recognition of Vino who was riding back to his car before arriving back at the car park.

Thanks as always to all the Crapis for waiting and encouraging the Lantern who had his worst day on the bike for at least………three weeks!! Apologies to Vino and Matinee for the paucity of their mentions but the Lantern really didn’t see that much of them today.

Thanks to the Candle for his ingenious repair that enabled the Lantern to complete the ride. An inspection at the end showed the gel sachet was just starting to bulge through the hole….but it held.

Thanks to Vino for coming back for us.

Despite being so sore I emit involuntary noises every time I tackle the stairs, I thoroughly enjoyed the ride so thanks again lads and hopefully see you all next week.

23rd April 2011

I'll leave the proper write ups to our official scribes - Lantern and Vino. Suffice to say I'm confident they'll include something about cafe legs Coppi and bonfire related shenanigans. The profile shows a few stiff sections and over 3000 feet of climbing, but the map doesn't really do justice to the ludicrous climb out of Llanuwchlyn.

Great ride lads

Off the Back 16th April 2011

Coppi gets the knock!!

Apologies for the relative lateness of this week’s reminiscences but the Lantern has been somewhat preoccupied with other matters this week. The big question now is can I remember what happened - who knows and who cares!!!

For a change the ride started from Maesbury and as the patron was still suffering from amnesia we got to start at 10am - much more civilised (though it appears to have cleared up judging by Saturday‘s start time!) Roger Whittaker arrived early and lounged in the café, the lantern arrived followed by older brother; the candle. Patron, Pepperami, Chris and brother Coppi (Dave!!) arrived followed shortly by Matinee who had ridden over from Ellesmere.

The troop set off sedately, promising Fiona and Ian they’d be back for tea and cake - rather like a Famous Five adventure (which probably makes the Lantern Timmy the dog…..). The Lantern soon found himself in unfamiliar surroundings; on the front. Just for the novelty value he gave it a go before pulling over sweating profusely. Riders took turns on the front smoothly and without fuss. Where was the back biting and disorganisation of recent weeks the lantern wondered…….

Coppi hit the front, egged on by Chris, and shot up a drag as though he was wanting to take off. After a quiet word from the Patron about the distance left he quietened down and things continued apace. Roger challenged Peppers for the Lord Baltimore crown by going straight on at the left fork but the consensus was it was just a ruse to get off the front of the peloton!!!!

Twenty odd miles in we hit the first real drag and it made Coppi reel. Those fateful words “I’ve got the knock” were uttered and the Lantern sympathetically thought “Hey I might not be last today!!!”. By the time the group turned off for the Hirnant Coppi was pedalling squares whilst sucking a gel and eating a chocolate bar simultaneously.

Patron, Matinee, Roger and the Candle ambled up the Hirnant (if such a thing is possible), followed by Peppers and then the Lantern. Chris was still shepherding Coppi up the climb. Peppers imparted the news “He’s f*cked; there’s no way he’ll get up here unless he’s walking”. Barely had he uttered those words than Chris and Coppi came into view. Admittedly Coppi was weaving all over the road like an inebriated ferret but he was still on his bike.

The ride to the café from there was fairly uneventful but Coppi was very quiet during the break, barely touching his beans on toast and not even a solitary “grazie” passed his parched lips. After this brief repose the peloton had an equally brief descent before the long drag up past the hairpin and up past the campsite. By the time the Lantern, Chris and Coppi reached the junction they realised no one was waiting.

Apparently Matinee had pushed on and dropped Candle and Roger who though chasing fiercely, were not making much impression (well that’s the Matinee’s version away). Eventually they caught up when Matinee started riding with no hands to allow the catch. Patron and Peppers chased and chased and had the leaders in sight before turning right in Llansantffraid to go for Knockin. As the Patron had not told anyone else this was the way home no one else went that way!!! Its just struck me now that this was actually an old Wacky Races cartoon - Matinee is Peter Perfect obviously, Candle and Roger would be Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug (decorum prevents me from saying which is which….) and Patron and Ron were Dick Dastardly and Muttley taking a sneaky shortcut!!! Actually I think I’ve seen that one…………….

Back to the Gruppetto; after a brief episode of teeth grinding Chris began the arduous task of dragging Coppi and the Lantern home. The journey passed surprisingly swiftly with the Lantern doing small turns on the front and Coppi keeping up well third wheel. Coppi having vowed at various points to give up cycling, beer and spend the next week in bed made it back in relatively fine fettle and gets my man of the match award for making it back following his early encounter with the knock!!

Most of the peloton retired to the café and got Coppi’s mouth-watering (or was it his eyes) with talk of the following week’s gated road ride complete with the infamous “ludicrous” climb.

Hopefully everyone will be on parade again next Saturday in Bala - the Lantern especially hopes Coppi is there to give him someone to talk to!! Seriously though Coppi I hope you can make the weekend and take on board the Lantern’s one sage piece of advice - WEAR SHORTS FOR F*CKS SAKE!!!!!!!

16th April 2011

Vyrnwy leg stretcher

Present and correct: Robbo, Lantern, Patron, Candle, Pepperami, Craig, Candle, Cippollini, Chrissy

9th April 2011 Off The Back

Sun, shorts and Saddle sores!!

The Lantern decided to wait a while before compiling his report to allow the willy waving to die down on the message board!!! After reading Carl’s report its obvious we’ll have to up the ante (before you ask no I’m not referring to Matinee’s Bala squeeze!).

Here’s the truth of what really happened (admittedly at times from a long way behind the action!) Fingers will be pointed and ego’s could take a bashing…..

Nice to see Craig (or roger Whittaker) back and looking full of beans. First point of note is Ronnie new nickname dreamed up by the lantern whilst trundling up the Milltir Cerrig - Pepperami (cause he’s a bit of…..well you know the rest). Personally I think Pepperami has a death wish as he turned up late for the 2nd week running. The Patron was persuaded to give him two minutes grace and Peppers narrowly avoided missing the ride - he’d have never found us - he lost the rest of the group once in…….Rhostyllen and again in ……L’alpe D’huez!!! My but he was certainly looking frisky as he rode off the front in Ruabon before a double puncture allowed a re-grouping around Chirk.

With matinee picked up, the group headed through Oswestry & up towards the top of Blodwell Bank. So far so good for the Lantern; still in the same county as the others and not feeling anything like as bad as last week. At the bottom the group turned right for the ride up to Penybont Fawr. The Candle made a schoolboy error and had his gel on the wrong side of the road and had to chase back on as a result. Maybe he’s adopted I thought…..

The Patron put several turns in on the front, doing sterling work. At one point the pulled off into a lay-by to let the others go through and they, to a man, followed him in!!! Eventually Carl went on the front but rode off into the distance so quickly that everyone else assumed he was going for a piss stop. The Candle narrowly avoided the ignominy of seeing the Lantern hit the front first and then proceeded to put in a long stint that, had they witnessed it, would have had several exes shaking their heads and muttering “If only he’d lasted that long with me it could have been so different!!”. Roger Whittaker followed in similarly impressive style. The Lantern was now poised second in line to take his turn on the front…….. The Road train known as the patron barrelled past and muttered “I’ve got this”, dashing the lantern’s dreams……..

After a brief stop in Penybontfawr for Carl to buy some Leffe for the coming climb, the first transgression occurred. Matinee had stopped for a piss and the rest of the bastards attacked - well Peppers, Roger, the Candle and Carl (should we christen him Desert Orchid? He was fast and he was grey as well!!) did anyway. The Candle especially should hang his head as he’d badgered both the Lantern and Matinee himself to ensure he brought his camera. Weighing a rival down with superfluous kit and then attacking when he’s on a piss stop. Not the done thing at all….. The Lantern trundled up at this own pace and the rest of the peleton had hardly finished their chess tournament when he arrived.

On the descent the Patron gave it some welly, most of the peleton drafted behind him or a car (Chapeau Carl) leaving only the sweating, puffing, cursing lantern riding full pelt into a headwind just to keep the gap at 100 yards. Jesus that was hard and the lantern had slightly rubbery (no Chinese jokes please) legs by the time the café stop in Bala was reached.

Eight sweaty cyclists soon cleared space in the café but not before a couple of Bala lovelies had set their hearts on Matinee sitting at their table. When he graciously accepted (such a nice well brought up lad) one was so pleased she had a stroke. The other one, sitting further away, couldn’t reach and glowered at Matinee whilst he munched his toffee pie (or whatever he’d got). So matinee pulled without even trying. Before he crows too much I should just point out they both had more miles on the clock than the Patron’s odometer!

At the café the Lantern confided to Matinee that he didn’t like the pull out of Bala - time for another matinee inspirational speech. “Don’t engage bottom gear on the first small drag then” he said deadpan. I'm sure he was joking.

The Lantern tried, really he did, but soon he was off the back and being shepherded (actually that no where near does them justice) back by Chris and the Patron. Just after the lights in Bala Patron and Chris made the catch but the lantern couldn’t quite make it. “Please, please, please let the lights be on red at Corwen”. Fortune smiled and the Lantern rejoined the group….until Peppers put the hammer down going out of Corwen and the Lantern said goodbye to the peleton for good.

I feel a bit guilty really as week after week I only have sketchy details of what went on up front but by all accounts this week Peppers was going well. Carl apparently also going well - well he didn’t tire himself out on the front did he(actually he probably did its just I was too far behind to see!). Matinee got cramp somewhere after Llangollen and the others sportingly attacked. From the various reports these last few weeks I suspect the workload caught up with Matinee - like Cancellara - he pulls his rivals along doing long pulls on the front all day (alternative view - trying to drop the buggers) whilst they keep their powder dry.

Roger went pop somewhere along the A5. Carl puts this down in his blog to him only being 80% fit. An alternative view might be he paid for horsing it up the climbs in big gears. Besides Carl he told the Candle the ride was 72 miles so he only rode 90% of it - maybe he caught the steam train?

Anyway back to the back. The Lantern was happy enough going his own pace and just about kept Chris and the Patron in sight. After a crawl up the Tally Ho he finally caught up with them around Dennis Ruabon where they were, I suspect, indulged in their warm down! An average speed of 15.5mph might not seem that great to the greyhounds in the group but it was a big improvement on the week before the Lantern could still walk at the end of it so progress after a fashion.

As ever thanks to everyone who waited at various points on the route for the fat Lantern to catch up. Special thanks to Chris and the Patron for keeping him company from Corwen. Whatever happens next weekend the Lantern will be out on Saturday so everyone else, pray Sunday has the best weather! The week after the Lantern is taking his good lady to Cardiff (however the hotel has a gym so he will still be on his bike) so it could be a couple of weeks before he catches up with some of the peleton. If so, happy riding until we meet again.