Volunteers - Robbo, Chrissy, Peppers, Vino, Craig, Candle, Coppi
Saturday 30 April 2011
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Myndweek madness 27th April 2011
The challenge of a sustained 20% climb up the legendary Burway road on the Long Mynd lured Robbo, le Patron and the Candle to forego holiday lie ins in favour of a cracking day in the saddle. I've uploaded a the route map as usual. This shows the Burway as a Cat 2 climb with an average between 6 and 7%. I have to put the record straight and say that's b*llocks as the gradient compares to the gated road between Bala and Trawsfynydd and the Bwlch Penbarra.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Off The Back - 23rd April 2011
Ludicrous revisited
The Patron was back on form this week - 9am start in Bala. The somewhat bleary eyed peloton slowly assembled in the appointed car park apart from Vino who'd parked on Council premises and Dave who, it was alleged, was too tight to pay for parking (however, it subsequently transpired that he’d spent all his spare cash on paracetamol, pro plus & red bull). Eight Crapis on parade and seven heeded the Patron’s Welsh top call whilst Vino tried to show the lads how nice a bit of Celeste would look on proposed Crapi tops (it didn’t work).
Pepperami managed to set a new record by going the wrong way a mere 20 yards after leaving the car park thus proving beyond doubt there really is only one Lord Baltimore!!
The pace up the main road to the turn off was brisk without being suicidal. Coppi was looking a lot better this week; probably something to do with exchanging his long johns for a pair of shorts at last. A short time after the turnoff the road pointed up towards the stars, and the group split. Carl shot off (he’s either very very good on the hills or his prostate’s playing up…..) followed by Candle and Matinee. Coppi took one look at the incline ahead of him and pulled out the rosaries. However, what a difference a week makes as Coppi threw himself into the climb urged on by his brothers. The Lantern on the other hand was already suffering…….. Already looking like an overfed Xmas turkey in his Welsh top (doesn’t lycra stretch a long way….) he now began to feel like he’d been in the oven for a couple of hours. Added to this his legs didn’t appear to be working; “F**k, back to being last” he thought.
Eventually he made it to the top of the last climb where Vino stood holding the gate open and just managed to resist the temptation to slam it in the Lantern’s face for making him wait there so long.
Downhill the lantern thought; much better…….. As his glasses slowly misted over he began to revise his opinion. Coppi meantime was laughing with the sheer pleasure of no longer going uphill. The lantern was just congratulating himself on narrowly avoiding missing the bend he always misjudged when he came to the next one and realised……he was very wrong. Having no choice but to go straight on he ploughed an impressive furrow, scattering debris before coming to rest next to big brother; the Candle, with nothing worse than a blown front tyre.
Whilst the distant sounds of Coppi’s whoops of joy suggested the rest of the peloton were carrying on regardless the boys set about repairing the damage. One blown tube later it was discovered the tyre had a big slit in its side wall. Candle sorted this by inserting a gel sachet (Coppi before you weep at such a waste it was an empty one!!) and pronounced “It’ll hold as long as you take it steady”. Having managed to contact ground control the boys headed down gingerly to be met by Vino who had sportingly volunteered to come and find the boys. He then proceeded to turn round and cane it back down the hill and all prospect of taking it easy vanished.
Eventually the peloton regrouped and the Candle explained his impressive deeds whilst the Lantern desperately sucked air into his lungs. Coppi appeared to be still high on adrenalin (or was it poppers??).
The reformed peleton rocketed down to Maentwrog and turned for Blaenau where Vino, Matinee and the Candle made a break for the café. The Patron, Chris and Peppers shepherded Coppi and the bewildered Lantern through Ffestiniog, a place almost as dour as the Lantern’s mood.
Eventually after much sweating, farting and cursing (and that was just the Lantern) and Peppers telling Coppi about four times “This is the last drag honest….” the remnants of the peloton arrived at the café stop.
The Lantern sat with Peppers and bemoaned how bad he was going; much worse than last week. Peppers, every ready with an encouraging word replied “There wasn’t much climbing last week”.
After ingesting some lovely food at the café the peloton set off again with Coppi discussing the curse of “café legs” (looked more like chicken legs to me…) with anyone who’d lend him an ear. The peloton kept together down to the main road back to Bala but blew apart on the first climb after that.
Vino, Matinee, Patron, Chris and Peppers fought out an epic duel by all accounts (well theirs anyway) and achieved Mach 3 just after the rafting Centre whilst flying back to the cars (how Coppi and the Lantern longed to do just that!!).
The Candle flickered on that first climb but wasn’t snuffed out and provided the hare for Coppi and the Lantern to try and reel in. Once they got within 10 yards but the bastard wouldn’t wait and the effort finally told on the two runts of the litter and Candle came home alone.
Coppi and the Lantern did keep a respectable pace on the way back, averaging between 18-20mph but they couldn’t make any impression. Every hundred yards or so Coppi uttered either “That climbing killed me today” or “This is the hardest ride I’ve done”. The Lantern could only marvel that he had any breath to spare as he fought to keep his chubby frame in touch with the flying dead Italian.
At last Bala came into sight and the dynamic duo just about had the energy to wave in recognition of Vino who was riding back to his car before arriving back at the car park.
Thanks as always to all the Crapis for waiting and encouraging the Lantern who had his worst day on the bike for at least………three weeks!! Apologies to Vino and Matinee for the paucity of their mentions but the Lantern really didn’t see that much of them today.
Thanks to the Candle for his ingenious repair that enabled the Lantern to complete the ride. An inspection at the end showed the gel sachet was just starting to bulge through the hole….but it held.
Thanks to Vino for coming back for us.
Despite being so sore I emit involuntary noises every time I tackle the stairs, I thoroughly enjoyed the ride so thanks again lads and hopefully see you all next week.
The Patron was back on form this week - 9am start in Bala. The somewhat bleary eyed peloton slowly assembled in the appointed car park apart from Vino who'd parked on Council premises and Dave who, it was alleged, was too tight to pay for parking (however, it subsequently transpired that he’d spent all his spare cash on paracetamol, pro plus & red bull). Eight Crapis on parade and seven heeded the Patron’s Welsh top call whilst Vino tried to show the lads how nice a bit of Celeste would look on proposed Crapi tops (it didn’t work).
Pepperami managed to set a new record by going the wrong way a mere 20 yards after leaving the car park thus proving beyond doubt there really is only one Lord Baltimore!!
The pace up the main road to the turn off was brisk without being suicidal. Coppi was looking a lot better this week; probably something to do with exchanging his long johns for a pair of shorts at last. A short time after the turnoff the road pointed up towards the stars, and the group split. Carl shot off (he’s either very very good on the hills or his prostate’s playing up…..) followed by Candle and Matinee. Coppi took one look at the incline ahead of him and pulled out the rosaries. However, what a difference a week makes as Coppi threw himself into the climb urged on by his brothers. The Lantern on the other hand was already suffering…….. Already looking like an overfed Xmas turkey in his Welsh top (doesn’t lycra stretch a long way….) he now began to feel like he’d been in the oven for a couple of hours. Added to this his legs didn’t appear to be working; “F**k, back to being last” he thought.
Eventually he made it to the top of the last climb where Vino stood holding the gate open and just managed to resist the temptation to slam it in the Lantern’s face for making him wait there so long.
Downhill the lantern thought; much better…….. As his glasses slowly misted over he began to revise his opinion. Coppi meantime was laughing with the sheer pleasure of no longer going uphill. The lantern was just congratulating himself on narrowly avoiding missing the bend he always misjudged when he came to the next one and realised……he was very wrong. Having no choice but to go straight on he ploughed an impressive furrow, scattering debris before coming to rest next to big brother; the Candle, with nothing worse than a blown front tyre.
Whilst the distant sounds of Coppi’s whoops of joy suggested the rest of the peloton were carrying on regardless the boys set about repairing the damage. One blown tube later it was discovered the tyre had a big slit in its side wall. Candle sorted this by inserting a gel sachet (Coppi before you weep at such a waste it was an empty one!!) and pronounced “It’ll hold as long as you take it steady”. Having managed to contact ground control the boys headed down gingerly to be met by Vino who had sportingly volunteered to come and find the boys. He then proceeded to turn round and cane it back down the hill and all prospect of taking it easy vanished.
Eventually the peloton regrouped and the Candle explained his impressive deeds whilst the Lantern desperately sucked air into his lungs. Coppi appeared to be still high on adrenalin (or was it poppers??).
The reformed peleton rocketed down to Maentwrog and turned for Blaenau where Vino, Matinee and the Candle made a break for the café. The Patron, Chris and Peppers shepherded Coppi and the bewildered Lantern through Ffestiniog, a place almost as dour as the Lantern’s mood.
Eventually after much sweating, farting and cursing (and that was just the Lantern) and Peppers telling Coppi about four times “This is the last drag honest….” the remnants of the peloton arrived at the café stop.
The Lantern sat with Peppers and bemoaned how bad he was going; much worse than last week. Peppers, every ready with an encouraging word replied “There wasn’t much climbing last week”.
After ingesting some lovely food at the café the peloton set off again with Coppi discussing the curse of “café legs” (looked more like chicken legs to me…) with anyone who’d lend him an ear. The peloton kept together down to the main road back to Bala but blew apart on the first climb after that.
Vino, Matinee, Patron, Chris and Peppers fought out an epic duel by all accounts (well theirs anyway) and achieved Mach 3 just after the rafting Centre whilst flying back to the cars (how Coppi and the Lantern longed to do just that!!).
The Candle flickered on that first climb but wasn’t snuffed out and provided the hare for Coppi and the Lantern to try and reel in. Once they got within 10 yards but the bastard wouldn’t wait and the effort finally told on the two runts of the litter and Candle came home alone.
Coppi and the Lantern did keep a respectable pace on the way back, averaging between 18-20mph but they couldn’t make any impression. Every hundred yards or so Coppi uttered either “That climbing killed me today” or “This is the hardest ride I’ve done”. The Lantern could only marvel that he had any breath to spare as he fought to keep his chubby frame in touch with the flying dead Italian.
At last Bala came into sight and the dynamic duo just about had the energy to wave in recognition of Vino who was riding back to his car before arriving back at the car park.
Thanks as always to all the Crapis for waiting and encouraging the Lantern who had his worst day on the bike for at least………three weeks!! Apologies to Vino and Matinee for the paucity of their mentions but the Lantern really didn’t see that much of them today.
Thanks to the Candle for his ingenious repair that enabled the Lantern to complete the ride. An inspection at the end showed the gel sachet was just starting to bulge through the hole….but it held.
Thanks to Vino for coming back for us.
Despite being so sore I emit involuntary noises every time I tackle the stairs, I thoroughly enjoyed the ride so thanks again lads and hopefully see you all next week.
Saturday 23 April 2011
23rd April 2011
I'll leave the proper write ups to our official scribes - Lantern and Vino. Suffice to say I'm confident they'll include something about cafe legs Coppi and bonfire related shenanigans. The profile shows a few stiff sections and over 3000 feet of climbing, but the map doesn't really do justice to the ludicrous climb out of Llanuwchlyn.
Great ride lads
Great ride lads
Thursday 21 April 2011
Off the Back 16th April 2011
Coppi gets the knock!!
Apologies for the relative lateness of this week’s reminiscences but the Lantern has been somewhat preoccupied with other matters this week. The big question now is can I remember what happened - who knows and who cares!!!
For a change the ride started from Maesbury and as the patron was still suffering from amnesia we got to start at 10am - much more civilised (though it appears to have cleared up judging by Saturday‘s start time!) Roger Whittaker arrived early and lounged in the café, the lantern arrived followed by older brother; the candle. Patron, Pepperami, Chris and brother Coppi (Dave!!) arrived followed shortly by Matinee who had ridden over from Ellesmere.
The troop set off sedately, promising Fiona and Ian they’d be back for tea and cake - rather like a Famous Five adventure (which probably makes the Lantern Timmy the dog…..). The Lantern soon found himself in unfamiliar surroundings; on the front. Just for the novelty value he gave it a go before pulling over sweating profusely. Riders took turns on the front smoothly and without fuss. Where was the back biting and disorganisation of recent weeks the lantern wondered…….
Coppi hit the front, egged on by Chris, and shot up a drag as though he was wanting to take off. After a quiet word from the Patron about the distance left he quietened down and things continued apace. Roger challenged Peppers for the Lord Baltimore crown by going straight on at the left fork but the consensus was it was just a ruse to get off the front of the peloton!!!!
Twenty odd miles in we hit the first real drag and it made Coppi reel. Those fateful words “I’ve got the knock” were uttered and the Lantern sympathetically thought “Hey I might not be last today!!!”. By the time the group turned off for the Hirnant Coppi was pedalling squares whilst sucking a gel and eating a chocolate bar simultaneously.
Patron, Matinee, Roger and the Candle ambled up the Hirnant (if such a thing is possible), followed by Peppers and then the Lantern. Chris was still shepherding Coppi up the climb. Peppers imparted the news “He’s f*cked; there’s no way he’ll get up here unless he’s walking”. Barely had he uttered those words than Chris and Coppi came into view. Admittedly Coppi was weaving all over the road like an inebriated ferret but he was still on his bike.
The ride to the café from there was fairly uneventful but Coppi was very quiet during the break, barely touching his beans on toast and not even a solitary “grazie” passed his parched lips. After this brief repose the peloton had an equally brief descent before the long drag up past the hairpin and up past the campsite. By the time the Lantern, Chris and Coppi reached the junction they realised no one was waiting.
Apparently Matinee had pushed on and dropped Candle and Roger who though chasing fiercely, were not making much impression (well that’s the Matinee’s version away). Eventually they caught up when Matinee started riding with no hands to allow the catch. Patron and Peppers chased and chased and had the leaders in sight before turning right in Llansantffraid to go for Knockin. As the Patron had not told anyone else this was the way home no one else went that way!!! Its just struck me now that this was actually an old Wacky Races cartoon - Matinee is Peter Perfect obviously, Candle and Roger would be Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug (decorum prevents me from saying which is which….) and Patron and Ron were Dick Dastardly and Muttley taking a sneaky shortcut!!! Actually I think I’ve seen that one…………….
Back to the Gruppetto; after a brief episode of teeth grinding Chris began the arduous task of dragging Coppi and the Lantern home. The journey passed surprisingly swiftly with the Lantern doing small turns on the front and Coppi keeping up well third wheel. Coppi having vowed at various points to give up cycling, beer and spend the next week in bed made it back in relatively fine fettle and gets my man of the match award for making it back following his early encounter with the knock!!
Most of the peloton retired to the café and got Coppi’s mouth-watering (or was it his eyes) with talk of the following week’s gated road ride complete with the infamous “ludicrous” climb.
Hopefully everyone will be on parade again next Saturday in Bala - the Lantern especially hopes Coppi is there to give him someone to talk to!! Seriously though Coppi I hope you can make the weekend and take on board the Lantern’s one sage piece of advice - WEAR SHORTS FOR F*CKS SAKE!!!!!!!
Apologies for the relative lateness of this week’s reminiscences but the Lantern has been somewhat preoccupied with other matters this week. The big question now is can I remember what happened - who knows and who cares!!!
For a change the ride started from Maesbury and as the patron was still suffering from amnesia we got to start at 10am - much more civilised (though it appears to have cleared up judging by Saturday‘s start time!) Roger Whittaker arrived early and lounged in the café, the lantern arrived followed by older brother; the candle. Patron, Pepperami, Chris and brother Coppi (Dave!!) arrived followed shortly by Matinee who had ridden over from Ellesmere.
The troop set off sedately, promising Fiona and Ian they’d be back for tea and cake - rather like a Famous Five adventure (which probably makes the Lantern Timmy the dog…..). The Lantern soon found himself in unfamiliar surroundings; on the front. Just for the novelty value he gave it a go before pulling over sweating profusely. Riders took turns on the front smoothly and without fuss. Where was the back biting and disorganisation of recent weeks the lantern wondered…….
Coppi hit the front, egged on by Chris, and shot up a drag as though he was wanting to take off. After a quiet word from the Patron about the distance left he quietened down and things continued apace. Roger challenged Peppers for the Lord Baltimore crown by going straight on at the left fork but the consensus was it was just a ruse to get off the front of the peloton!!!!
Twenty odd miles in we hit the first real drag and it made Coppi reel. Those fateful words “I’ve got the knock” were uttered and the Lantern sympathetically thought “Hey I might not be last today!!!”. By the time the group turned off for the Hirnant Coppi was pedalling squares whilst sucking a gel and eating a chocolate bar simultaneously.
Patron, Matinee, Roger and the Candle ambled up the Hirnant (if such a thing is possible), followed by Peppers and then the Lantern. Chris was still shepherding Coppi up the climb. Peppers imparted the news “He’s f*cked; there’s no way he’ll get up here unless he’s walking”. Barely had he uttered those words than Chris and Coppi came into view. Admittedly Coppi was weaving all over the road like an inebriated ferret but he was still on his bike.
The ride to the café from there was fairly uneventful but Coppi was very quiet during the break, barely touching his beans on toast and not even a solitary “grazie” passed his parched lips. After this brief repose the peloton had an equally brief descent before the long drag up past the hairpin and up past the campsite. By the time the Lantern, Chris and Coppi reached the junction they realised no one was waiting.
Apparently Matinee had pushed on and dropped Candle and Roger who though chasing fiercely, were not making much impression (well that’s the Matinee’s version away). Eventually they caught up when Matinee started riding with no hands to allow the catch. Patron and Peppers chased and chased and had the leaders in sight before turning right in Llansantffraid to go for Knockin. As the Patron had not told anyone else this was the way home no one else went that way!!! Its just struck me now that this was actually an old Wacky Races cartoon - Matinee is Peter Perfect obviously, Candle and Roger would be Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug (decorum prevents me from saying which is which….) and Patron and Ron were Dick Dastardly and Muttley taking a sneaky shortcut!!! Actually I think I’ve seen that one…………….
Back to the Gruppetto; after a brief episode of teeth grinding Chris began the arduous task of dragging Coppi and the Lantern home. The journey passed surprisingly swiftly with the Lantern doing small turns on the front and Coppi keeping up well third wheel. Coppi having vowed at various points to give up cycling, beer and spend the next week in bed made it back in relatively fine fettle and gets my man of the match award for making it back following his early encounter with the knock!!
Most of the peloton retired to the café and got Coppi’s mouth-watering (or was it his eyes) with talk of the following week’s gated road ride complete with the infamous “ludicrous” climb.
Hopefully everyone will be on parade again next Saturday in Bala - the Lantern especially hopes Coppi is there to give him someone to talk to!! Seriously though Coppi I hope you can make the weekend and take on board the Lantern’s one sage piece of advice - WEAR SHORTS FOR F*CKS SAKE!!!!!!!
Saturday 16 April 2011
16th April 2011
Vyrnwy leg stretcher
Present and correct: Robbo, Lantern, Patron, Candle, Pepperami, Craig, Candle, Cippollini, Chrissy
Present and correct: Robbo, Lantern, Patron, Candle, Pepperami, Craig, Candle, Cippollini, Chrissy
Tuesday 12 April 2011
9th April 2011 Off The Back
Sun, shorts and Saddle sores!!
The Lantern decided to wait a while before compiling his report to allow the willy waving to die down on the message board!!! After reading Carl’s report its obvious we’ll have to up the ante (before you ask no I’m not referring to Matinee’s Bala squeeze!).
Here’s the truth of what really happened (admittedly at times from a long way behind the action!) Fingers will be pointed and ego’s could take a bashing…..
Nice to see Craig (or roger Whittaker) back and looking full of beans. First point of note is Ronnie new nickname dreamed up by the lantern whilst trundling up the Milltir Cerrig - Pepperami (cause he’s a bit of…..well you know the rest). Personally I think Pepperami has a death wish as he turned up late for the 2nd week running. The Patron was persuaded to give him two minutes grace and Peppers narrowly avoided missing the ride - he’d have never found us - he lost the rest of the group once in…….Rhostyllen and again in ……L’alpe D’huez!!! My but he was certainly looking frisky as he rode off the front in Ruabon before a double puncture allowed a re-grouping around Chirk.
With matinee picked up, the group headed through Oswestry & up towards the top of Blodwell Bank. So far so good for the Lantern; still in the same county as the others and not feeling anything like as bad as last week. At the bottom the group turned right for the ride up to Penybont Fawr. The Candle made a schoolboy error and had his gel on the wrong side of the road and had to chase back on as a result. Maybe he’s adopted I thought…..
The Patron put several turns in on the front, doing sterling work. At one point the pulled off into a lay-by to let the others go through and they, to a man, followed him in!!! Eventually Carl went on the front but rode off into the distance so quickly that everyone else assumed he was going for a piss stop. The Candle narrowly avoided the ignominy of seeing the Lantern hit the front first and then proceeded to put in a long stint that, had they witnessed it, would have had several exes shaking their heads and muttering “If only he’d lasted that long with me it could have been so different!!”. Roger Whittaker followed in similarly impressive style. The Lantern was now poised second in line to take his turn on the front…….. The Road train known as the patron barrelled past and muttered “I’ve got this”, dashing the lantern’s dreams……..
After a brief stop in Penybontfawr for Carl to buy some Leffe for the coming climb, the first transgression occurred. Matinee had stopped for a piss and the rest of the bastards attacked - well Peppers, Roger, the Candle and Carl (should we christen him Desert Orchid? He was fast and he was grey as well!!) did anyway. The Candle especially should hang his head as he’d badgered both the Lantern and Matinee himself to ensure he brought his camera. Weighing a rival down with superfluous kit and then attacking when he’s on a piss stop. Not the done thing at all….. The Lantern trundled up at this own pace and the rest of the peleton had hardly finished their chess tournament when he arrived.
On the descent the Patron gave it some welly, most of the peleton drafted behind him or a car (Chapeau Carl) leaving only the sweating, puffing, cursing lantern riding full pelt into a headwind just to keep the gap at 100 yards. Jesus that was hard and the lantern had slightly rubbery (no Chinese jokes please) legs by the time the café stop in Bala was reached.
Eight sweaty cyclists soon cleared space in the café but not before a couple of Bala lovelies had set their hearts on Matinee sitting at their table. When he graciously accepted (such a nice well brought up lad) one was so pleased she had a stroke. The other one, sitting further away, couldn’t reach and glowered at Matinee whilst he munched his toffee pie (or whatever he’d got). So matinee pulled without even trying. Before he crows too much I should just point out they both had more miles on the clock than the Patron’s odometer!
At the café the Lantern confided to Matinee that he didn’t like the pull out of Bala - time for another matinee inspirational speech. “Don’t engage bottom gear on the first small drag then” he said deadpan. I'm sure he was joking.
The Lantern tried, really he did, but soon he was off the back and being shepherded (actually that no where near does them justice) back by Chris and the Patron. Just after the lights in Bala Patron and Chris made the catch but the lantern couldn’t quite make it. “Please, please, please let the lights be on red at Corwen”. Fortune smiled and the Lantern rejoined the group….until Peppers put the hammer down going out of Corwen and the Lantern said goodbye to the peleton for good.
I feel a bit guilty really as week after week I only have sketchy details of what went on up front but by all accounts this week Peppers was going well. Carl apparently also going well - well he didn’t tire himself out on the front did he(actually he probably did its just I was too far behind to see!). Matinee got cramp somewhere after Llangollen and the others sportingly attacked. From the various reports these last few weeks I suspect the workload caught up with Matinee - like Cancellara - he pulls his rivals along doing long pulls on the front all day (alternative view - trying to drop the buggers) whilst they keep their powder dry.
Roger went pop somewhere along the A5. Carl puts this down in his blog to him only being 80% fit. An alternative view might be he paid for horsing it up the climbs in big gears. Besides Carl he told the Candle the ride was 72 miles so he only rode 90% of it - maybe he caught the steam train?
Anyway back to the back. The Lantern was happy enough going his own pace and just about kept Chris and the Patron in sight. After a crawl up the Tally Ho he finally caught up with them around Dennis Ruabon where they were, I suspect, indulged in their warm down! An average speed of 15.5mph might not seem that great to the greyhounds in the group but it was a big improvement on the week before the Lantern could still walk at the end of it so progress after a fashion.
As ever thanks to everyone who waited at various points on the route for the fat Lantern to catch up. Special thanks to Chris and the Patron for keeping him company from Corwen. Whatever happens next weekend the Lantern will be out on Saturday so everyone else, pray Sunday has the best weather! The week after the Lantern is taking his good lady to Cardiff (however the hotel has a gym so he will still be on his bike) so it could be a couple of weeks before he catches up with some of the peleton. If so, happy riding until we meet again.
The Lantern decided to wait a while before compiling his report to allow the willy waving to die down on the message board!!! After reading Carl’s report its obvious we’ll have to up the ante (before you ask no I’m not referring to Matinee’s Bala squeeze!).
Here’s the truth of what really happened (admittedly at times from a long way behind the action!) Fingers will be pointed and ego’s could take a bashing…..
Nice to see Craig (or roger Whittaker) back and looking full of beans. First point of note is Ronnie new nickname dreamed up by the lantern whilst trundling up the Milltir Cerrig - Pepperami (cause he’s a bit of…..well you know the rest). Personally I think Pepperami has a death wish as he turned up late for the 2nd week running. The Patron was persuaded to give him two minutes grace and Peppers narrowly avoided missing the ride - he’d have never found us - he lost the rest of the group once in…….Rhostyllen and again in ……L’alpe D’huez!!! My but he was certainly looking frisky as he rode off the front in Ruabon before a double puncture allowed a re-grouping around Chirk.
With matinee picked up, the group headed through Oswestry & up towards the top of Blodwell Bank. So far so good for the Lantern; still in the same county as the others and not feeling anything like as bad as last week. At the bottom the group turned right for the ride up to Penybont Fawr. The Candle made a schoolboy error and had his gel on the wrong side of the road and had to chase back on as a result. Maybe he’s adopted I thought…..
The Patron put several turns in on the front, doing sterling work. At one point the pulled off into a lay-by to let the others go through and they, to a man, followed him in!!! Eventually Carl went on the front but rode off into the distance so quickly that everyone else assumed he was going for a piss stop. The Candle narrowly avoided the ignominy of seeing the Lantern hit the front first and then proceeded to put in a long stint that, had they witnessed it, would have had several exes shaking their heads and muttering “If only he’d lasted that long with me it could have been so different!!”. Roger Whittaker followed in similarly impressive style. The Lantern was now poised second in line to take his turn on the front…….. The Road train known as the patron barrelled past and muttered “I’ve got this”, dashing the lantern’s dreams……..
After a brief stop in Penybontfawr for Carl to buy some Leffe for the coming climb, the first transgression occurred. Matinee had stopped for a piss and the rest of the bastards attacked - well Peppers, Roger, the Candle and Carl (should we christen him Desert Orchid? He was fast and he was grey as well!!) did anyway. The Candle especially should hang his head as he’d badgered both the Lantern and Matinee himself to ensure he brought his camera. Weighing a rival down with superfluous kit and then attacking when he’s on a piss stop. Not the done thing at all….. The Lantern trundled up at this own pace and the rest of the peleton had hardly finished their chess tournament when he arrived.
On the descent the Patron gave it some welly, most of the peleton drafted behind him or a car (Chapeau Carl) leaving only the sweating, puffing, cursing lantern riding full pelt into a headwind just to keep the gap at 100 yards. Jesus that was hard and the lantern had slightly rubbery (no Chinese jokes please) legs by the time the café stop in Bala was reached.
Eight sweaty cyclists soon cleared space in the café but not before a couple of Bala lovelies had set their hearts on Matinee sitting at their table. When he graciously accepted (such a nice well brought up lad) one was so pleased she had a stroke. The other one, sitting further away, couldn’t reach and glowered at Matinee whilst he munched his toffee pie (or whatever he’d got). So matinee pulled without even trying. Before he crows too much I should just point out they both had more miles on the clock than the Patron’s odometer!
At the café the Lantern confided to Matinee that he didn’t like the pull out of Bala - time for another matinee inspirational speech. “Don’t engage bottom gear on the first small drag then” he said deadpan. I'm sure he was joking.
The Lantern tried, really he did, but soon he was off the back and being shepherded (actually that no where near does them justice) back by Chris and the Patron. Just after the lights in Bala Patron and Chris made the catch but the lantern couldn’t quite make it. “Please, please, please let the lights be on red at Corwen”. Fortune smiled and the Lantern rejoined the group….until Peppers put the hammer down going out of Corwen and the Lantern said goodbye to the peleton for good.
I feel a bit guilty really as week after week I only have sketchy details of what went on up front but by all accounts this week Peppers was going well. Carl apparently also going well - well he didn’t tire himself out on the front did he(actually he probably did its just I was too far behind to see!). Matinee got cramp somewhere after Llangollen and the others sportingly attacked. From the various reports these last few weeks I suspect the workload caught up with Matinee - like Cancellara - he pulls his rivals along doing long pulls on the front all day (alternative view - trying to drop the buggers) whilst they keep their powder dry.
Roger went pop somewhere along the A5. Carl puts this down in his blog to him only being 80% fit. An alternative view might be he paid for horsing it up the climbs in big gears. Besides Carl he told the Candle the ride was 72 miles so he only rode 90% of it - maybe he caught the steam train?
Anyway back to the back. The Lantern was happy enough going his own pace and just about kept Chris and the Patron in sight. After a crawl up the Tally Ho he finally caught up with them around Dennis Ruabon where they were, I suspect, indulged in their warm down! An average speed of 15.5mph might not seem that great to the greyhounds in the group but it was a big improvement on the week before the Lantern could still walk at the end of it so progress after a fashion.
As ever thanks to everyone who waited at various points on the route for the fat Lantern to catch up. Special thanks to Chris and the Patron for keeping him company from Corwen. Whatever happens next weekend the Lantern will be out on Saturday so everyone else, pray Sunday has the best weather! The week after the Lantern is taking his good lady to Cardiff (however the hotel has a gym so he will still be on his bike) so it could be a couple of weeks before he catches up with some of the peleton. If so, happy riding until we meet again.
Saturday 9 April 2011
Monday 4 April 2011
Off The Back - 2nd April 2011
Pottering along with the boys
After reading all the flights of fancy on the message board, the Lantern decided he better ignore the pain and paint a, more or less, accurate recollection of the ride from his perspective.
First thing was Mark turning up at the Patron’s still chuntering under his breath about potholes the size of Kansas and how if he’d wanted to experience the Nutcracker he’d have gone to the Ballet. Five past ten and no sign of Rocket Ronnie (Carl you should have realised then…). Ron appears chirping “it’s not ten yet…”. The Patron vaporises him with a stare and then we’re off to meet Matinee.
Now in my defence I thought the pace to Newbridge (about 5 miles down the road for the uninitiated!!) was a tad high and that’s the Lantern’s excuse for falling off the back on the climb up to the A5. Going through Chirk, Mark and Carl hung back to keep the Lantern in sight - not sure if this was to make sure he didn’t turn round or whether they were marking each other against a surprise attack.
The Lantern briefly took the lead as they met up with Matinee (think he hadn’t quite finished applying his hair gel….) but was soon passed in Western Rhyn. The peloton sportingly waited for the Lantern before the plunge down to Oswestry. Something told the Lantern this was going to be a long lonely day in the saddle (no comments about my sex life please!!).
The climb out of Oswestry towards the top of Blodwell Bank saw the rest of the peloton disappear into the distance whilst the Lantern sweated, cursed and coughed (see men can multitask!!) his way up to the top and then free-wheeled down to the bottom. Unfortunately the bastards were waiting for him at the bottom…….
The new route to the café through Llansantfraidd & Lanymynech was unknown to the Lantern so he thought he’d sit in the middle of the bunch for a bit and see how he got on. The pace was high (well for the Lantern at least) but not insurmountable and he hung on reasonably well and even indulged in a power glide round one bend due to some mud he didn’t see.
In Llanymynech the Lantern even got in the break across the road but none of the others wanted to work with him so he was forced to sit up……. The Boulder brothers were soon on the front; first Chris then Ron forcing the pace. Ron took it up to 23mph (and with it Lantern’s blood pressure to 202!!) then 24 then 25.… He looked round and saw the frankly distressing site of the Lantern’s chubby red chops staring back at him. Try and imagine a cartoon character whose eyes bulge out on stalks and you have some measure of his reaction. Barely pausing to say “Meep meep” he upped the ante again. Somewhere around 26 or 27mph the Lantern’s femurs actually melted and he sat up…… Only to be roughly grasped and shoved forward by matinee ( the girls think he’s so nice….!) who said something along the lines of “this isn’t good enough” and something about having the lantern shot as a deserter if he didn’t get back on Ronnie’s wheel.
Thankfully the café soon appeared and everyone was cheered up immeasurably to see Anna back at work. I’ll draw a veil over the noxious cloud that enveloped the dinners as investigations into the culprit have proved inconclusive at the time of going to press.
The Patron (any resemblance between the Patron and the chief suspect in the previous paragraph are purely incidental) announced to Mark, who had expressed a desire to be home early, that he had thought of a new route home which, for a change, included a few more hills. The Lantern’s heart sank but he stoically agreed to the challenge, suggesting the rest of the lads might want to push on without him or risk getting home at dusk.
From the café the group made its way to Morda where the Lantern was passed for the last time by the group and then, apart from a couple of glimpses of silhouettes on the horizon pointing the way, it was a long, painful and solo ride home for him.
The Lantern once rode down the old racecourse hill with Matinee so had some inkling of the horrors to come but nothing quite prepared him for the reality…….
The lower slopes were ok but as the road kept curving upwards, every ditch or fold in the fields were scanned frantically hoping they would reveal the road back to Oswestry. Bad kit choices were by now causing the Lantern to overheat desperately. Jesus would this fecking hill never end! Feeling light headed the Lantern wiped sweat from his brow, closed his eyes……and then a miracle happened!!
Suddenly the hill was easy; the tarmac was sweeping by beneath him; the crowd were cheering him on; he crossed the line arms aloft and podium girls were kissing his cheek!!! Actually one appeared to be licking his face….and her tongue was quite rough….When the Lantern opened his eyes he was lying in the hedge with a cow leaning over, licking sweat off his face…….
Eventually the pain stopped and the top was reached and apart from his dignity the only thing the Lantern appeared to have lost was the nose piece off his glasses. He trundled out of Oswestry, up the Tally Ho and through Ruabon feeling strangely happy with life. By the time he arrived back at the car he was positively beaming.
The Patron appeared by his gate making “Do you want a brew?” signs which were gratefully accepted. Think the Patron was just glad not to be posting a missing person’s report. As it was, he consoled the lantern by saying he hadn’t been back long and in fact had only had time to have a shower, weed the patio, cut the lawn, walk the dog, redecorate the lounge and read the paper.
All in all probably 80-85% of the Lantern’s ride was a solo one (rather reminiscent of his sex life truth be told!!) but thoroughly enjoyable (again rather like his…..). Thanks as always to the rest of the peloton for stopping and waiting at times; special mention to Matinee for another motivational speech (I’m sure Ron must write his scripts!!) and, back willing, I’ll be back to slow you all down again next Saturday!!
One final thing, like everyone else in the peloton, my thoughts were with the Patron and his family on Sunday.
After reading all the flights of fancy on the message board, the Lantern decided he better ignore the pain and paint a, more or less, accurate recollection of the ride from his perspective.
First thing was Mark turning up at the Patron’s still chuntering under his breath about potholes the size of Kansas and how if he’d wanted to experience the Nutcracker he’d have gone to the Ballet. Five past ten and no sign of Rocket Ronnie (Carl you should have realised then…). Ron appears chirping “it’s not ten yet…”. The Patron vaporises him with a stare and then we’re off to meet Matinee.
Now in my defence I thought the pace to Newbridge (about 5 miles down the road for the uninitiated!!) was a tad high and that’s the Lantern’s excuse for falling off the back on the climb up to the A5. Going through Chirk, Mark and Carl hung back to keep the Lantern in sight - not sure if this was to make sure he didn’t turn round or whether they were marking each other against a surprise attack.
The Lantern briefly took the lead as they met up with Matinee (think he hadn’t quite finished applying his hair gel….) but was soon passed in Western Rhyn. The peloton sportingly waited for the Lantern before the plunge down to Oswestry. Something told the Lantern this was going to be a long lonely day in the saddle (no comments about my sex life please!!).
The climb out of Oswestry towards the top of Blodwell Bank saw the rest of the peloton disappear into the distance whilst the Lantern sweated, cursed and coughed (see men can multitask!!) his way up to the top and then free-wheeled down to the bottom. Unfortunately the bastards were waiting for him at the bottom…….
The new route to the café through Llansantfraidd & Lanymynech was unknown to the Lantern so he thought he’d sit in the middle of the bunch for a bit and see how he got on. The pace was high (well for the Lantern at least) but not insurmountable and he hung on reasonably well and even indulged in a power glide round one bend due to some mud he didn’t see.
In Llanymynech the Lantern even got in the break across the road but none of the others wanted to work with him so he was forced to sit up……. The Boulder brothers were soon on the front; first Chris then Ron forcing the pace. Ron took it up to 23mph (and with it Lantern’s blood pressure to 202!!) then 24 then 25.… He looked round and saw the frankly distressing site of the Lantern’s chubby red chops staring back at him. Try and imagine a cartoon character whose eyes bulge out on stalks and you have some measure of his reaction. Barely pausing to say “Meep meep” he upped the ante again. Somewhere around 26 or 27mph the Lantern’s femurs actually melted and he sat up…… Only to be roughly grasped and shoved forward by matinee ( the girls think he’s so nice….!) who said something along the lines of “this isn’t good enough” and something about having the lantern shot as a deserter if he didn’t get back on Ronnie’s wheel.
Thankfully the café soon appeared and everyone was cheered up immeasurably to see Anna back at work. I’ll draw a veil over the noxious cloud that enveloped the dinners as investigations into the culprit have proved inconclusive at the time of going to press.
The Patron (any resemblance between the Patron and the chief suspect in the previous paragraph are purely incidental) announced to Mark, who had expressed a desire to be home early, that he had thought of a new route home which, for a change, included a few more hills. The Lantern’s heart sank but he stoically agreed to the challenge, suggesting the rest of the lads might want to push on without him or risk getting home at dusk.
From the café the group made its way to Morda where the Lantern was passed for the last time by the group and then, apart from a couple of glimpses of silhouettes on the horizon pointing the way, it was a long, painful and solo ride home for him.
The Lantern once rode down the old racecourse hill with Matinee so had some inkling of the horrors to come but nothing quite prepared him for the reality…….
The lower slopes were ok but as the road kept curving upwards, every ditch or fold in the fields were scanned frantically hoping they would reveal the road back to Oswestry. Bad kit choices were by now causing the Lantern to overheat desperately. Jesus would this fecking hill never end! Feeling light headed the Lantern wiped sweat from his brow, closed his eyes……and then a miracle happened!!
Suddenly the hill was easy; the tarmac was sweeping by beneath him; the crowd were cheering him on; he crossed the line arms aloft and podium girls were kissing his cheek!!! Actually one appeared to be licking his face….and her tongue was quite rough….When the Lantern opened his eyes he was lying in the hedge with a cow leaning over, licking sweat off his face…….
Eventually the pain stopped and the top was reached and apart from his dignity the only thing the Lantern appeared to have lost was the nose piece off his glasses. He trundled out of Oswestry, up the Tally Ho and through Ruabon feeling strangely happy with life. By the time he arrived back at the car he was positively beaming.
The Patron appeared by his gate making “Do you want a brew?” signs which were gratefully accepted. Think the Patron was just glad not to be posting a missing person’s report. As it was, he consoled the lantern by saying he hadn’t been back long and in fact had only had time to have a shower, weed the patio, cut the lawn, walk the dog, redecorate the lounge and read the paper.
All in all probably 80-85% of the Lantern’s ride was a solo one (rather reminiscent of his sex life truth be told!!) but thoroughly enjoyable (again rather like his…..). Thanks as always to the rest of the peloton for stopping and waiting at times; special mention to Matinee for another motivational speech (I’m sure Ron must write his scripts!!) and, back willing, I’ll be back to slow you all down again next Saturday!!
One final thing, like everyone else in the peloton, my thoughts were with the Patron and his family on Sunday.
Saturday 2 April 2011
2nd April 2011
Ronnie's racecourse rampage
Present and correct - Robbo, Vino, Patron, Rocket, Chrissy, Ronnie, Lantern
With absolutely no hiding place whatsoever, the Lantern was punished by the outbound pace but held his own well on the fast flat section between Llanymynech and Maesbury. After a rare but momentary silence at the cafe, the patron announced that he'd thought of another way back...
An inauspicious left turn on Trefonnen/Treflach road led to a deceptively long grind to the top of the racecourse hill. Robbo foolishly waited to check that the Lantern had caught up with le patron, who in turn had nobly waited to guide the Lantern on the route home. Robbo could do nothing but watch helplessly as Chris, Ron, Rocket and Vino maintained a gap of some 300 yards all the way up the climb.
The leading pack, sensing that this was their opportunity to repay Robbo for the past few weeks, set off well ahead of him at a blistering pace down the racecourse hill, touching 50mph. Robbo set off in pursuit like the Duracell bunny on speed, and managed to wind in the breakaway companions at the foot of the descent. The grupetto then rode sensibly together for the best part of 30 seconds before Ronnie predictably put in another massive attack at the first sign of uphill tarmac. Chris was shelled (or decided to drop off) at this point whilst Vino and Robbo clung to Ronnie's wheel. Ronnie's strength eventually waned and Robbo and Vino coasted past on their way to the final push to Hengoed and Chirk. Ronnie rejoined, and sensing his opportunity once again, launched yet another ill-fated attack as the road kicked uphill by the Last Inn, before collapsing spectacularly, completely spent. All that remained was for the fractured groups to wind their own ways home, safe in the knowledge they'd earned their Guinness and Leffe.
Chapeau to the Lantern for, what must have been, a very painful climb up the racecourse, and Chapeau to Ronnie who certainly took most aggressive rider title on the day.
Present and correct - Robbo, Vino, Patron, Rocket, Chrissy, Ronnie, Lantern
With absolutely no hiding place whatsoever, the Lantern was punished by the outbound pace but held his own well on the fast flat section between Llanymynech and Maesbury. After a rare but momentary silence at the cafe, the patron announced that he'd thought of another way back...
An inauspicious left turn on Trefonnen/Treflach road led to a deceptively long grind to the top of the racecourse hill. Robbo foolishly waited to check that the Lantern had caught up with le patron, who in turn had nobly waited to guide the Lantern on the route home. Robbo could do nothing but watch helplessly as Chris, Ron, Rocket and Vino maintained a gap of some 300 yards all the way up the climb.
The leading pack, sensing that this was their opportunity to repay Robbo for the past few weeks, set off well ahead of him at a blistering pace down the racecourse hill, touching 50mph. Robbo set off in pursuit like the Duracell bunny on speed, and managed to wind in the breakaway companions at the foot of the descent. The grupetto then rode sensibly together for the best part of 30 seconds before Ronnie predictably put in another massive attack at the first sign of uphill tarmac. Chris was shelled (or decided to drop off) at this point whilst Vino and Robbo clung to Ronnie's wheel. Ronnie's strength eventually waned and Robbo and Vino coasted past on their way to the final push to Hengoed and Chirk. Ronnie rejoined, and sensing his opportunity once again, launched yet another ill-fated attack as the road kicked uphill by the Last Inn, before collapsing spectacularly, completely spent. All that remained was for the fractured groups to wind their own ways home, safe in the knowledge they'd earned their Guinness and Leffe.
Chapeau to the Lantern for, what must have been, a very painful climb up the racecourse, and Chapeau to Ronnie who certainly took most aggressive rider title on the day.
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