To say it was a blustery morning when the Craps gathered at chez Le Patron is a bit like saying Le Patron lets the odd fart slip out - superficially true but no where near doing it justice. Attention was diverted by Roger’s shiny new Garmin computer which apparently told you everything you need to know apart from where the Bloody Candle was!! Late again today he’d be in trouble though he’d say he was sorry - Christ he’s turned into Horace Wimp!!! Like the true taxi driver he once was when asked his whereabouts he replied “I’m just turning off the bypass now lads”.
Somewhat later than anticipated the peleton set off towards its rendezvous with Matinee at Moreton. Several stops to don/shed capes followed as the group battled strong winds; eventually the rendezvous was made at the foot of Chirk Bank and the group wound its way up to Western Rhyn.
Another cape stop ensued before they were once again shed just before the run down into Oswestry. The Patron threw the group into confusion by having a piss stop on the way out this week. On the other side of Oswestry it was on with capes again. Peppers tried a new variation called how many twists can I put in my cape and still get it on. He was left looking like Houdini with both arms pinioned behind his back and his bike on the floor.
The group flew through Maesbury Marsh with the Candle on the front followed by Roger with the Lanterne hanging on for grim death up the drag to the main road. Shortly after the group hung a right and hit the back roads which were blessedly free of cars but, if anything, even more open to blustery gusts swirling around the peleton.
Shortly before the climb Chris turned up the heat and the Lantern felt something snap - think it was his Achilles….. The climb was reached and the peleton threw themselves at it with gusto apart from the lantern….who just threw up.
Roger, Vino, Matinee shot off up it like the Red Arrows display team whilst the Patron kept his own pace and the Lantern chugged valiantly behind like a badly maintained steam engine. Vino’s resume of the ride made reference to getting a stiff one up the back of Rodney’s column. Sometimes the Lantern is quite glad to be off the back……..
There was a brief regrouping at the bottom of the descent but as soon as the group turned onto the main road to Welshpool Matinee shot off like someone had stuffed ginger up his jaxie. The brothers Hughes and Patron reacted quickly; the Candle and Roger Whittaker soon followed. Vino wavered looked behind, saw the Lantern struggling and waited. A nobler and, lets be honest, more futile gesture has rarely been witnessed on a bike. Half a mile after catching up the Lantern was off the back and both he and Carl were destined to ride solo into the teeth of the gale for 7-8 miles into Welshpool. To replicate the feeling tie several large tyres to the bike of your bike (no comments about the lantern having them round his middle thank you) and occasionally ride into a brick wall. As Vino rightly said in his write up “Duw it was hard”. Though at least no spokes were broken which is more than could said for the Patron - much more of this and his nickname will need to be changed to Buster!!
Naughty boy the Candle had been designated catcher to ensure the turn off wasn’t missed and eventually this band of brothers alighted at the café in Welshpool.
I will say the food was very nice but Vino looked ready to go to war over the time it took to make him a tuna baguette - baguette, butter and tuna - how hard can it be?
On the return leg Matinee noticed the wind had dropped to force 12 and took this as his signal to launch a blistering attack. Such was his speed that the Lantern came to the only logically conclusion - “He obviously needs a shit badly”!!! This burst of acceleration forced the Lantern to run up the white flag; unfortunately no one but the Patron saw it. So once again it was left to the Patron to shepherd the Lantern back until they met up with the group who’d waited near Selattyn.
After bidding farewell to Matinee the group wheeled its weary way back to the Patron’s patio for a much needed cuppa. Talk turned to the day’s ride; Peppers pronounced it “Hardest ride of the year Al”. Vino looked glassy eyed slumped on the patio. Average speeds were discussed and 16.5ish seemed reasonable; the Lantern kept his head down. The Candle volunteered that his had been about 17.5; amid a howl of protest he conceded he may not have got the conversion from KPH to MPH quite right.
Strangely enough the Lantern had been wondering why he persists with KPH earlier on during the struggle back from Welshpool. He assumes it was to do with the “I Just Biked” website he posts his rides on. The Lantern ideally mused whether there was a “I Just Bonked” website as this would have been nearer his experience that day. Probably there is but its probably not related to cycling…!!! The Lantern thought if he posted his total ride time - 4hrs 33 minutes, max speed 35mph and average speed 15.1mph on that site he would be besieged by hopeful females with a lustful glint in their eye…… Funny what you think about on the bike isn’t it!!!
Once again thanks to everyone who waited for the Lantern and special mention to Matinee and Peppers for not giving him one of their motivational speeches - much appreciated boys.
Hopefully see some of you next weekend for a ride and Patron - enjoy your holiday and thanks for all the help.
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Sunday 22 May 2011
Thursday 19 May 2011
15/05/11 - At Least it’s not Sodding Raining!!!
A small apology for the tardiness of the last couple of reports, this was due to illness last week and being sh**ged this week. Haven’t even had chance to read Vino’s report yet but looking forward to after meeting my deadline.
A somewhat smaller peloton assembled at the Patron’s on a drab Sunday morning which threatened rain. Chris was waylaid doing stuff to one brother’s car and trying to cajole Dave into putting on his lycra on in anger once again. Mark “Honestly caravanning’s great lads…..” pulled a sickie &, looking at the leaden sky, the Lantern wished he’d done the same. Patron was claiming his back was “f**ked”, Peppers was “sh**ged” and Vino claimed to have an injured Achilles courtesy of a ladder. The Lantern looked rueful; this could only mean one thing - it’d be fast today. The peloton was rounded out by Roger Whittaker with a rendezvous with Matinee planned for Chirk.
A fairly uneventful run down the Tally Ho saw the Lantern on the front - it might be his only chance!! He followed this up by only sliding off the back about halfway up the other side. In Chirk Matinee, after a week’s holiday, was early; chomping at the bit to get going like a dog who’s smelled a bitch on heat down the road. After everyone had admired his tan (who’d have thought they had sun beds in Cornwall……) the peloton set off again.
Thankfully the group was spared the Rivers of Babylon experience of the previous week as they made their way up to Glyn Ceiriog without a soaking. Vino, Roger and Matinee frothing at the mouth at the prospect of the climb to come. A left turn in Glyn and they hit the climb. Unfortunately for the Lantern the climb hit back and he was soon frothing at the mouth himself as the others disappeared up the road. Roger and Matinee soon became a distant speck; followed by Vino & the Patron.
When the Lantern gratefully crested the top there was no sign of the others - the bastards!!! Thankfully Peppers; who’s pitted early due to poor tyre choice (well either that or he needed a piss) caught up and whistled past. The Lantern gamely followed him down to Selattyn; all the while with ‘Lost in France’ going round in his head for some reason……..
The rest of the group were waiting in Selattyn and the bunch sped through Oswestry and turned up towards Trefonen where once again the Lantern slid a little (but not as much as recent weeks!!). At the bottom of Blodwell Bank Vino turned on the afterburners as he sped towards Llynclys. Unfortunately no one was on his wheel and the rest of the peloton chased to catch him with the Lantern muttering dark thoughts under his breath as the pain mounted (However, let me stress it was NOT pain from being mounted….!!).
After the Crossroads Peppers hit the front and did his usual ‘Let’s see how fast I have to go before the Lantern turns blue). 30mph is the answer; a testament to the Lantern’s improving fitness!! After Peppers pulled over Lantern brought the pace down to 23 and then slid off the front and, shortly after, the back as well whilst thinking “F**k em, I know the way to the café from here”.
After some lovely sustenance and respite where the Lantern’s legs could be heard pinging like a cooling engine, the peloton set off back home.
Edited highlights of the return trip were the Lantern big ringing it up the drag from Oswestry towards Selattyn for the first time since 1947; the Patron not needing a piss stop at the top, Peppers suddenly finding the energy to race up the Tally Ho with Roger and the Lantern’s gears slipping so loudly that the Patron was convinced someone had bust a spoke!!
It may only have been 56 miles but the Lantern found it to be a bit of a grueller and whimpered quietly for the rest of the day. Still it’s a long time since his average broke 16mph so he was happy.
As always thanks to everyone for a great ride and looking forward to next Sunday’s ride already.
P.S. Ronnie/Chris/Allan/Anybody - It’s my birthday on Saturday and all I really want for it is a copy of the holiday DVD to watch!!!
A somewhat smaller peloton assembled at the Patron’s on a drab Sunday morning which threatened rain. Chris was waylaid doing stuff to one brother’s car and trying to cajole Dave into putting on his lycra on in anger once again. Mark “Honestly caravanning’s great lads…..” pulled a sickie &, looking at the leaden sky, the Lantern wished he’d done the same. Patron was claiming his back was “f**ked”, Peppers was “sh**ged” and Vino claimed to have an injured Achilles courtesy of a ladder. The Lantern looked rueful; this could only mean one thing - it’d be fast today. The peloton was rounded out by Roger Whittaker with a rendezvous with Matinee planned for Chirk.
A fairly uneventful run down the Tally Ho saw the Lantern on the front - it might be his only chance!! He followed this up by only sliding off the back about halfway up the other side. In Chirk Matinee, after a week’s holiday, was early; chomping at the bit to get going like a dog who’s smelled a bitch on heat down the road. After everyone had admired his tan (who’d have thought they had sun beds in Cornwall……) the peloton set off again.
Thankfully the group was spared the Rivers of Babylon experience of the previous week as they made their way up to Glyn Ceiriog without a soaking. Vino, Roger and Matinee frothing at the mouth at the prospect of the climb to come. A left turn in Glyn and they hit the climb. Unfortunately for the Lantern the climb hit back and he was soon frothing at the mouth himself as the others disappeared up the road. Roger and Matinee soon became a distant speck; followed by Vino & the Patron.
When the Lantern gratefully crested the top there was no sign of the others - the bastards!!! Thankfully Peppers; who’s pitted early due to poor tyre choice (well either that or he needed a piss) caught up and whistled past. The Lantern gamely followed him down to Selattyn; all the while with ‘Lost in France’ going round in his head for some reason……..
The rest of the group were waiting in Selattyn and the bunch sped through Oswestry and turned up towards Trefonen where once again the Lantern slid a little (but not as much as recent weeks!!). At the bottom of Blodwell Bank Vino turned on the afterburners as he sped towards Llynclys. Unfortunately no one was on his wheel and the rest of the peloton chased to catch him with the Lantern muttering dark thoughts under his breath as the pain mounted (However, let me stress it was NOT pain from being mounted….!!).
After the Crossroads Peppers hit the front and did his usual ‘Let’s see how fast I have to go before the Lantern turns blue). 30mph is the answer; a testament to the Lantern’s improving fitness!! After Peppers pulled over Lantern brought the pace down to 23 and then slid off the front and, shortly after, the back as well whilst thinking “F**k em, I know the way to the café from here”.
After some lovely sustenance and respite where the Lantern’s legs could be heard pinging like a cooling engine, the peloton set off back home.
Edited highlights of the return trip were the Lantern big ringing it up the drag from Oswestry towards Selattyn for the first time since 1947; the Patron not needing a piss stop at the top, Peppers suddenly finding the energy to race up the Tally Ho with Roger and the Lantern’s gears slipping so loudly that the Patron was convinced someone had bust a spoke!!
It may only have been 56 miles but the Lantern found it to be a bit of a grueller and whimpered quietly for the rest of the day. Still it’s a long time since his average broke 16mph so he was happy.
As always thanks to everyone for a great ride and looking forward to next Sunday’s ride already.
P.S. Ronnie/Chris/Allan/Anybody - It’s my birthday on Saturday and all I really want for it is a copy of the holiday DVD to watch!!!
08/05/11 - “It’s raining; it’s pouring; the Patron is snor……!”
Snorkeling would, I feel, be the correct answer to the above!!
A very tardy Off the Back report from almost two weeks ago but seeing as how we had a guest I thought I better.
The usual suspects minus Vino (injury), Matinee (holiday) and Dave (car trouble) assembled at chez Le Patron under leaden skies. Mark turned up and Roger bought his mate James who, for some reason, the Lantern had only ever heard referred to as Gladys who had a power monitor nuclear fission mount (or something techy like that) on his bike. The geeks of the group salivated over it….. The patron said they’d have a look at the weather in Chirk before deciding whether to go up to Glyn Ceiriog.
The peloton set off in the mist and murk with James proving himself a personable addition and Mark….. LOL sorry mate couldn’t resist that!!
Well at Chirk it was raining but the peloton pressed on with the Patron giving James a running commentary as to the delights of North Wales and; as the rain increased, with water running insistently down top tubes whilst being thrown up incessantly by summer bikes. The Patron called a stop to put capes on. After it had been explained to Peppers that his Bat cape wouldn’t keep him dry the group moved off again. Onwards through Glyn Ceiriog and ever upwards the group sped all the while getting wetter and wetter. The Lantern by now yo-yoing off the back whilst James effortlessly cruised up and down the peloton.
The rest of the group chatted amiably as the group worked its way up to Llanarmon DC whilst the Lantern slowly turned blue from exertion and exposure. A quick left in Llan DC and the road kicks up steeply. James; Roger, Mark and sundry others cruised off like it was only a 1/10 whilst the Lantern sweated and shivered at the back. The Lantern suddenly had a pressing need to lose some weight (to use a polite analogy). “Never mind” he thought soon be at the café. Just as he thought this the Patron said “We’ll make it a non-stopper today boys”. What the lantern would have given for a stopper at that moment. Through gritted teeth and carefully controlled farts the crisis was averted and the soggy peloton regrouped without the Lantern having birthed twins but it was definitely touch and cloth for a while.
The unrelenting weather and undulating terrain did nothing to improve the Lantern’s mood when the patron announced where they’d come out and the fact that it’d mean going up the back of the racecourse hill. Everyone else rejoiced whilst the Lantern looked for a handy stick to shove through the Patron’s spokes. Needless to say James & sundry others disappeared into the distance whilst the Patron shepherded the Lantern up to the brow.
On the descent the Lantern discovered two things; he was faster downhill than James (so that was something) and his wheels were fast enough to freewheel past Roger whilst he was pedaling downhill!!!!
BTW it had by now stopped raining.
The peloton sailed into Oswestry and turned left by the police station for the drag up to western Rhyn. After the Patron’s, by now, almost obligatory piss stop the group headed back home via a very painful (at least for the Lantern) Tally Ho. Just at the top of this drag the patron had the double misfortune of puncturing and only having the Lantern for company. After his pump failed to inflate his tyre the lantern gamely handed his pump over. “How does it work?” the patron asked; the Lantern shrugged. Suffice to say that the Patron didn’t manage to get the Lantern’s pump to work and ended up stranded.
The Lantern rode home alone whilst the Patron called in International Rescue; or Roger as he’s known to the Peloton.
After tea and biscuits at chez le Patron everyone went their separate ways. As we left Chris asked James; “Will you be out with us next week?” James replied it might not be next week. Chris countered with “We’ve got a good un planned”. Still James hesitated. Chris just so you understand - You know you think Manchester is far away? Well James lives in Cumbria which is even further away so it’d be a bit of a commute to make the Patron’s start time!!! And we all know what the Patron would say if he was even 5 minutes late - “F**k him he knows what time we go”!!!!
Thanks to everyone who made the ride so enjoyable despite the awful weather.
A very tardy Off the Back report from almost two weeks ago but seeing as how we had a guest I thought I better.
The usual suspects minus Vino (injury), Matinee (holiday) and Dave (car trouble) assembled at chez Le Patron under leaden skies. Mark turned up and Roger bought his mate James who, for some reason, the Lantern had only ever heard referred to as Gladys who had a power monitor nuclear fission mount (or something techy like that) on his bike. The geeks of the group salivated over it….. The patron said they’d have a look at the weather in Chirk before deciding whether to go up to Glyn Ceiriog.
The peloton set off in the mist and murk with James proving himself a personable addition and Mark….. LOL sorry mate couldn’t resist that!!
Well at Chirk it was raining but the peloton pressed on with the Patron giving James a running commentary as to the delights of North Wales and; as the rain increased, with water running insistently down top tubes whilst being thrown up incessantly by summer bikes. The Patron called a stop to put capes on. After it had been explained to Peppers that his Bat cape wouldn’t keep him dry the group moved off again. Onwards through Glyn Ceiriog and ever upwards the group sped all the while getting wetter and wetter. The Lantern by now yo-yoing off the back whilst James effortlessly cruised up and down the peloton.
The rest of the group chatted amiably as the group worked its way up to Llanarmon DC whilst the Lantern slowly turned blue from exertion and exposure. A quick left in Llan DC and the road kicks up steeply. James; Roger, Mark and sundry others cruised off like it was only a 1/10 whilst the Lantern sweated and shivered at the back. The Lantern suddenly had a pressing need to lose some weight (to use a polite analogy). “Never mind” he thought soon be at the café. Just as he thought this the Patron said “We’ll make it a non-stopper today boys”. What the lantern would have given for a stopper at that moment. Through gritted teeth and carefully controlled farts the crisis was averted and the soggy peloton regrouped without the Lantern having birthed twins but it was definitely touch and cloth for a while.
The unrelenting weather and undulating terrain did nothing to improve the Lantern’s mood when the patron announced where they’d come out and the fact that it’d mean going up the back of the racecourse hill. Everyone else rejoiced whilst the Lantern looked for a handy stick to shove through the Patron’s spokes. Needless to say James & sundry others disappeared into the distance whilst the Patron shepherded the Lantern up to the brow.
On the descent the Lantern discovered two things; he was faster downhill than James (so that was something) and his wheels were fast enough to freewheel past Roger whilst he was pedaling downhill!!!!
BTW it had by now stopped raining.
The peloton sailed into Oswestry and turned left by the police station for the drag up to western Rhyn. After the Patron’s, by now, almost obligatory piss stop the group headed back home via a very painful (at least for the Lantern) Tally Ho. Just at the top of this drag the patron had the double misfortune of puncturing and only having the Lantern for company. After his pump failed to inflate his tyre the lantern gamely handed his pump over. “How does it work?” the patron asked; the Lantern shrugged. Suffice to say that the Patron didn’t manage to get the Lantern’s pump to work and ended up stranded.
The Lantern rode home alone whilst the Patron called in International Rescue; or Roger as he’s known to the Peloton.
After tea and biscuits at chez le Patron everyone went their separate ways. As we left Chris asked James; “Will you be out with us next week?” James replied it might not be next week. Chris countered with “We’ve got a good un planned”. Still James hesitated. Chris just so you understand - You know you think Manchester is far away? Well James lives in Cumbria which is even further away so it’d be a bit of a commute to make the Patron’s start time!!! And we all know what the Patron would say if he was even 5 minutes late - “F**k him he knows what time we go”!!!!
Thanks to everyone who made the ride so enjoyable despite the awful weather.
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