CAST: Big Al (patron), Paul (Matinee Idol), Chris & Ron (The Boulder Brothers), Mark (No nickname**), Ian (The Lantern) & Mike (the Candle)
** After spotting him wearing a ‘Benny’ hat indoors I had wanted this to be his nickname. However, that style guru Matinee informed me they are now known as ‘Beanie’ hats and quite fashionable. Once a ‘Benny’ always a ‘Benny’ I say but who am I to comment on the victims of fashion………
The day dawned fresh which was more than the crapis looked as they assembled in Bala at far too bloody early in the morning. The mood further darkened when the patron announced he was ‘taking it easy today boys as I've been bad all week’; this old chestnut is normally a precursor to him riding the legs off everyone.
The ride starts and before the peleton’s ridden a mile, bang, the road points up and the Lantern has turned a funny colour. The rest of the peleton seems pretty relaxed and even the Candle relishes the chance to make the Lantern suffer as the road grinds up towards Llyn Celyn. Onwards and upwards they go, the Lantern is now making the kind of noises normally associated with an antelope being torn apart by a pack of lions. Eventually the patron takes pity and says ‘I’ll just go and drag me lad back’. Eventually the patron drags the Lantern back to Ron and the Candle (a Roman candle perhaps??) and shoots straight past just to make a point!! Mark (definitely not Benny), Chris and Matinee have stopped up the road and put their feet up to wait. After the Sunday Times has been read the rest of the peleton appear. The lantern knows the score and moves to the front just as Ron and the Patron fly up a hill to rejoin the breakaway. The Candle, being new and naïve, pauses at the crest of the hill for a drink. When he looks up the rest have gone, rocketing down the road into Ffestiniog and despite achieving mach 2 on his descent, he can’t catch the rest until Mark shames the Lantern into slowing down and waiting for his brother.
Once again the peleton splits between Ffestiniog and Bleanau. Soon Chris and Matinee pull away on the climb up the Crimea. Mark struggles to rejoin Ron and the Patron and the Candle soon distances the Lantern. The Lantern thinks he’ll just crest the climb and the Candle will wait for him to ride into Betws. Not a bit of it. The Candle shoots off like road runner - albeit a quite podgy, definitely seen better days road runner - and it takes the lantern a good 5 miles to catch him.
Eventually the sanctuary of the café arrives. Due to their late arrival and his touchingly innocent approach to manners the Candle is still finishing his breakfast as the Patron rockets off down the road (‘I was only going slow honest….’). As a result a new first - the Candle fails to rejoin straight from the café stop!!
Despite Chris’ best efforts it appears the Candle has been snuffed out early and the Patron eventually decides to tow him home and let the rest of the peleton have its head. Onwards up the A5 Chris, Ron, Matinee and Definitely not Benny up the pace whilst the Lantern just hangs on for grim death!! In Pentrefoelas the Lantern loses contact and pedals on safe in the knowledge that he’ll be swept up by the Patron sooner or later.
The leading four continue to work well until the turning off the A5 where a swift acceleration by Matinee - ‘I don’t like the climb so wanted to get it over with’ - split’s the group in two. Chris and Matinee put the hammer down in a not at all competitive attempt to distance Not Benny and Ron. The leading four all barrel along back to Bala and all have a long wait at the car park as a result.
So what of the plucky lantern, patron and candle? Well the Lantern had a reasonable ride home and arrived knackered after riding the last hour plus on his own. The patron nearly had an orgasm on his bike when he spotted a red kite and it was only his new softer suspension that spared his blushes. The candle battled gamely and occasionally thought his legs had recovered sufficiently to ask Patron to up the tempo. Even an increase of 1mph saw the candle leave the back of the patron faster than a volley of the Patron’s farts (you all know how fast that is…!!). Nevertheless he gritted his teeth, chewed his bars and died a number of deaths before, with huge thanks to the Patron, he made it back to the car park.
Another top ride for the peleton and here’s looking forward to the next one. Cheers guys!
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Sunday 14th of March - The Blaenau lung buster
Reporting for duty were me, Al, Chris, Ian, Mark, Ron and Mike. Yes, Mike is still keen to undergo further suffering in the name of enjoyment, and even managed to drop his younger more experienced brother (The Lantern) on the long steep climb out of Blaenau Ffestiniog!!!. I won't go into any great detail, as The Lantern has promised to let us have his usual inimitable literary contribution later this evening. The route was only 54 miles but with loads of climbing coupled with hard 30mph+ flat sections, it was a very tough day on the bike.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Sunday 7th of March - Spring is in the air
A beautiful cold and sunny day drew the biggest group of the year so far. Ten riders turned out in Oswestry at 9am sharp for a trip to Welshpool via the darkest Shropshire Clundy. I'd better name all as I'm sure this is a record for the Crapiwheelers, or certainly in the 6 years or so that I've been riding with them. Today's riders were me, Ian, Big Al, Little Al, Chris, Ron, Simon, Craig, Mark and Mike. I won't go into any more detail, as Ian is once again treating us to his account of the ride from his own unique perspective in the peloton, so enjoy another edition of Ian's 'Off the back'.
07/03/10 - The Patron’s new toy
All week the Patron has been saying ‘If the weather’s good summer bikes on Sunday’ and so it proved (at least for some of us). Le Patron turned up and was practically frothing at the mouth at the thought of using his trusty new steed on an official CRAPI outing. He was accompanied by Chris and Ron (the Boulder brothers possibly?), Matinee was already there as was the Lantern and his older brother - The Candle possibly? Mark (still no nickname so answers on a postcard) also arrived and was followed by recent recruit Craig (Blubber bear from wacky races maybe?). Simon ‘I’m desperate to get come out with you lads, just not this week’ (even the Lantern is sighted more often!!) arrived with Alan ‘Terminator’ Lewis (Mark 1 obviously). 10 riders!! A record for recent CRAPI rides.
Out of Oswestry to the Crossroads at Llynclys and then its right turn Clyde. The Candle bedecked in purple Ron Hills that makes him look like Blanche out of Corrie is putting in a good early showing, but the Lantern knows the truce won’t last; somebody somewhere will soon up the pace.
Actually the pace continues to be somewhat steady and quite enjoyable; the sun is out; Simon & Allan are comparing new bikes and all is well with the world. Lewis is telling the Lantern that he’s glad he’s out as it avoids them having to talk about him on the ride; the irony appears lost.
A fairly uneventful passage ensues to the first real climb of the day although the Candle’s face does manage to match the colour of his pants on several occasions! All too soon Alan Lewis and Simon have to leave us to forge ahead on their training ride - their heart rate/peak oxygen flow co-efficient had dipped below 7.5 or something technical like that. The rumour in the peloton is that Lewis’ better half has told him he needs to improve his stamina or else; not quite sure he’s got the right end of the stick there.
Riders begin to string out on the climb and the Candle, in true family tradition, is soon groveling at the back with the Lantern just ahead. Boulder Brother Ron stops for a slash and picks up a couple of dogs - not for the first time by all accounts!! Eventually the crest is reached and most of the bunch comes together on the descent. Apart from Boulder Bro Chris and Matinee, who have rocketed off the front in a no way competitive ride off to the café. It is feasible that Matinee simply needed the extra time to fix his hair before the lads arrived!!
Six manager’s specials and two fat bastard specials later, the somewhat heavier peleton left Welshpool. The pace was somewhat gentler immediately after the restart so it was disconcerting to see Mark off the back - thankfully he’d stopped to check his phone and not chuck the fat bastard breakfast he’d just consumed. Heading towards Buttington (at least that’s where I think it was) there was a rare phenomena that's only witnessed every 3 years or so - the Lantern did a turn on the front. He later told Blubber he was just showing him what it involved so he could have a go next time!! Turning off onto the undulating back lanes a split occurred in the peleton near the old observatory. Matinee, the Patron, the Boulder Brothers and unbelievably the Lantern (I can just here Ligget saying ‘…do my eyes deceive me or is that the Lantern - what’s he doing there’. At about the same time the Lantern was asking himself the same thing as the others put the hammer down so much he almost achieved take off speed. Had Le Patron’s rear thrusters come on at that moment he’d have landed in Shrewsbury.
After a brief detour for the rear of the peloton, the pack reformed and steadily headed back to Oswestry. About 5 miles out the wick was turned down and the Candle was snuffed out. After a sterling first ride with the lads he suffered the indignity of being towed home by the Lantern. Boulder Bro Ronnie was heard to mutter ‘About time he did some f*@king work’.
A lovely ride all round and nice to see the sun and the summer bikes. Thanks everyone for such an enjoyable ride and see you all next weekend.
07/03/10 - The Patron’s new toy
All week the Patron has been saying ‘If the weather’s good summer bikes on Sunday’ and so it proved (at least for some of us). Le Patron turned up and was practically frothing at the mouth at the thought of using his trusty new steed on an official CRAPI outing. He was accompanied by Chris and Ron (the Boulder brothers possibly?), Matinee was already there as was the Lantern and his older brother - The Candle possibly? Mark (still no nickname so answers on a postcard) also arrived and was followed by recent recruit Craig (Blubber bear from wacky races maybe?). Simon ‘I’m desperate to get come out with you lads, just not this week’ (even the Lantern is sighted more often!!) arrived with Alan ‘Terminator’ Lewis (Mark 1 obviously). 10 riders!! A record for recent CRAPI rides.
Out of Oswestry to the Crossroads at Llynclys and then its right turn Clyde. The Candle bedecked in purple Ron Hills that makes him look like Blanche out of Corrie is putting in a good early showing, but the Lantern knows the truce won’t last; somebody somewhere will soon up the pace.
Actually the pace continues to be somewhat steady and quite enjoyable; the sun is out; Simon & Allan are comparing new bikes and all is well with the world. Lewis is telling the Lantern that he’s glad he’s out as it avoids them having to talk about him on the ride; the irony appears lost.
A fairly uneventful passage ensues to the first real climb of the day although the Candle’s face does manage to match the colour of his pants on several occasions! All too soon Alan Lewis and Simon have to leave us to forge ahead on their training ride - their heart rate/peak oxygen flow co-efficient had dipped below 7.5 or something technical like that. The rumour in the peloton is that Lewis’ better half has told him he needs to improve his stamina or else; not quite sure he’s got the right end of the stick there.
Riders begin to string out on the climb and the Candle, in true family tradition, is soon groveling at the back with the Lantern just ahead. Boulder Brother Ron stops for a slash and picks up a couple of dogs - not for the first time by all accounts!! Eventually the crest is reached and most of the bunch comes together on the descent. Apart from Boulder Bro Chris and Matinee, who have rocketed off the front in a no way competitive ride off to the café. It is feasible that Matinee simply needed the extra time to fix his hair before the lads arrived!!
Six manager’s specials and two fat bastard specials later, the somewhat heavier peleton left Welshpool. The pace was somewhat gentler immediately after the restart so it was disconcerting to see Mark off the back - thankfully he’d stopped to check his phone and not chuck the fat bastard breakfast he’d just consumed. Heading towards Buttington (at least that’s where I think it was) there was a rare phenomena that's only witnessed every 3 years or so - the Lantern did a turn on the front. He later told Blubber he was just showing him what it involved so he could have a go next time!! Turning off onto the undulating back lanes a split occurred in the peleton near the old observatory. Matinee, the Patron, the Boulder Brothers and unbelievably the Lantern (I can just here Ligget saying ‘…do my eyes deceive me or is that the Lantern - what’s he doing there’. At about the same time the Lantern was asking himself the same thing as the others put the hammer down so much he almost achieved take off speed. Had Le Patron’s rear thrusters come on at that moment he’d have landed in Shrewsbury.
After a brief detour for the rear of the peloton, the pack reformed and steadily headed back to Oswestry. About 5 miles out the wick was turned down and the Candle was snuffed out. After a sterling first ride with the lads he suffered the indignity of being towed home by the Lantern. Boulder Bro Ronnie was heard to mutter ‘About time he did some f*@king work’.
A lovely ride all round and nice to see the sun and the summer bikes. Thanks everyone for such an enjoyable ride and see you all next weekend.
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