14/03/10 - Bala - Ffestiniog- Bleanau-Betws-A5- Bala WHO BLEW THE CANDLE OUT?

CAST: Big Al (patron), Paul (Matinee Idol), Chris & Ron (The Boulder Brothers), Mark (No nickname**), Ian (The Lantern) & Mike (the Candle)

** After spotting him wearing a ‘Benny’ hat indoors I had wanted this to be his nickname. However, that style guru Matinee informed me they are now known as ‘Beanie’ hats and quite fashionable. Once a ‘Benny’ always a ‘Benny’ I say but who am I to comment on the victims of fashion………

The day dawned fresh which was more than the crapis looked as they assembled in Bala at far too bloody early in the morning. The mood further darkened when the patron announced he was ‘taking it easy today boys as I've been bad all week’; this old chestnut is normally a precursor to him riding the legs off everyone.

The ride starts and before the peleton’s ridden a mile, bang, the road points up and the Lantern has turned a funny colour. The rest of the peleton seems pretty relaxed and even the Candle relishes the chance to make the Lantern suffer as the road grinds up towards Llyn Celyn. Onwards and upwards they go, the Lantern is now making the kind of noises normally associated with an antelope being torn apart by a pack of lions. Eventually the patron takes pity and says ‘I’ll just go and drag me lad back’. Eventually the patron drags the Lantern back to Ron and the Candle (a Roman candle perhaps??) and shoots straight past just to make a point!! Mark (definitely not Benny), Chris and Matinee have stopped up the road and put their feet up to wait. After the Sunday Times has been read the rest of the peleton appear. The lantern knows the score and moves to the front just as Ron and the Patron fly up a hill to rejoin the breakaway. The Candle, being new and naïve, pauses at the crest of the hill for a drink. When he looks up the rest have gone, rocketing down the road into Ffestiniog and despite achieving mach 2 on his descent, he can’t catch the rest until Mark shames the Lantern into slowing down and waiting for his brother.

Once again the peleton splits between Ffestiniog and Bleanau. Soon Chris and Matinee pull away on the climb up the Crimea. Mark struggles to rejoin Ron and the Patron and the Candle soon distances the Lantern. The Lantern thinks he’ll just crest the climb and the Candle will wait for him to ride into Betws. Not a bit of it. The Candle shoots off like road runner - albeit a quite podgy, definitely seen better days road runner - and it takes the lantern a good 5 miles to catch him.

Eventually the sanctuary of the café arrives. Due to their late arrival and his touchingly innocent approach to manners the Candle is still finishing his breakfast as the Patron rockets off down the road (‘I was only going slow honest….’). As a result a new first - the Candle fails to rejoin straight from the café stop!!

Despite Chris’ best efforts it appears the Candle has been snuffed out early and the Patron eventually decides to tow him home and let the rest of the peleton have its head. Onwards up the A5 Chris, Ron, Matinee and Definitely not Benny up the pace whilst the Lantern just hangs on for grim death!! In Pentrefoelas the Lantern loses contact and pedals on safe in the knowledge that he’ll be swept up by the Patron sooner or later.

The leading four continue to work well until the turning off the A5 where a swift acceleration by Matinee - ‘I don’t like the climb so wanted to get it over with’ - split’s the group in two. Chris and Matinee put the hammer down in a not at all competitive attempt to distance Not Benny and Ron. The leading four all barrel along back to Bala and all have a long wait at the car park as a result.

So what of the plucky lantern, patron and candle? Well the Lantern had a reasonable ride home and arrived knackered after riding the last hour plus on his own. The patron nearly had an orgasm on his bike when he spotted a red kite and it was only his new softer suspension that spared his blushes. The candle battled gamely and occasionally thought his legs had recovered sufficiently to ask Patron to up the tempo. Even an increase of 1mph saw the candle leave the back of the patron faster than a volley of the Patron’s farts (you all know how fast that is…!!). Nevertheless he gritted his teeth, chewed his bars and died a number of deaths before, with huge thanks to the Patron, he made it back to the car park.

Another top ride for the peleton and here’s looking forward to the next one. Cheers guys!