Stop my legs have had enough - OTB 30/07/11

I know it sounds stupid with hindsight but the Lantern was really looking forward to today’s jaunt over to Pistyll Rhaeadr - it was years since the group had gone that way. Feeling somewhat frisky he, rashly as it turned out, decided to cycle down from Coedpoeth meeting up with Vino on the descent. The Lantern obviously wasn’t the only one that was keen as Chris, Ron and even the Candle appeared at the Patron’s before 9am. Mark turned up at 9am on the dot and was almost left behind.

The group set out to meet Matinee in Chirk with the Lantern big ringing it up the Tally Ho (Chirk side) for the first time in years - no one noticed and he was f**ked by the top.

After collecting the Matinee the group headed up the Ceiriog valley where the climbers were conspicuous by their absence from the front of the bunch. Even the Lantern had a go!! Chris was busy pointing out to Matinee that although he was very colour coordinated with his bike, his helmet clashed. This necessitated a piss stop in Glyn Ceiriog where the matinee was able to confirm this sad fact.

After Glyn the pace gradually kept creeping up and the Lantern slipped from head of the bunch to his usual spot in double quick time. Still he held on until just after Llanarmon……..

Just outside the village the road goes round a few bends then there is a right turn and pain swoops down; or at least it did for the Lantern. As most of the peleton disappeared up the road the Lantern impersonated a woman in protracted labour and fought to keep the Patron’s back wheel in sight. After regrouping at the top there was a slight descent before another steep, but mercifully short, climb before a nice long descent.

The Lantern had recovered enough by now to admire the spot in the road where he, the Patron and Chris had hit the deck spectacularly a few years earlier - oh what happy memories cycling gives you.

Before we knew it the group barrelled through the town and turned right for the climb up to the falls. Well I know its been a while since we last did it but I’m bloody sure someone’s moved the waterfall in the interim. The Lantern barely made it across the car park to the café.

During lunch there was much talk of the Eisteddfod’s opening concert the previous evening. Ron asked whether they’d sung in Welsh. Vino couldn’t have looked more appalled if Ron had asked him to wipe his a**e.

Matinee, Mark and Chris were both muttering about getting back and the Lantern was fearful of the pace on the way back (with good reason as it turned out).

The pace down the Tenant valley began at a brisk but doable 21-22mph. The Lantern even began to entertain thoughts he could keep that up until they reached Oswestry some 13 miles away. After a particularly brave and arduous (well I thought so) turn on the front the Lantern peeled off and the world went white. Or at least it did for the Lantern. Vino hit the front and the accelerator simultaneously and the Lantern spent the next couple of miles desperately hanging on behind Mark. Ron, the Candle and Matinee continued to put the hurt on the Lantern whose internal dialogue consisted of trying to persuade his legs they were behaving like sissies and it wasn’t hurting at all. The Lantern saw the approaching turn off for Blodwell Bank and thought “Nearly at the crossroads”. At that moment the Patron stuck out his left hand and the Lantern caved and admitted his legs had been right all along.

There was nothing left and he crawled up Blodwell like a snail going over broken glass. The climb from Oswestry up towards Selattyn was made bearable by the Candle’s promise to run him home afterwards.

After Western Rhyn Matinee peeled off to race home in time for an afternoon at Hogwarts and Chris, Ron, Vino, Mark and the Candle raced off up the Tally Ho.

Meanwhile at the back the Lantern had blown more thoroughly than Linda Lovelace over her entire career and the Patron was contemplating calling in Britannia Rescue to get him home.

Eventually he trundled back to the Patron’s and had a reviving cuppa followed by that much needed lift home.

This was a proper ‘head gasket’s gone’ implosion by the Lantern. Too much too soon was the charge levelled at him by the Patron and it was right. Still at least he knew he’d worked hard.

As always thanks to all on the ride for making it so enjoyable and hopefully we’ll meet up again next week and I won’t implode.