08/05/11 - “It’s raining; it’s pouring; the Patron is snor……!”

Snorkeling would, I feel, be the correct answer to the above!!

A very tardy Off the Back report from almost two weeks ago but seeing as how we had a guest I thought I better.

The usual suspects minus Vino (injury), Matinee (holiday) and Dave (car trouble) assembled at chez Le Patron under leaden skies. Mark turned up and Roger bought his mate James who, for some reason, the Lantern had only ever heard referred to as Gladys who had a power monitor nuclear fission mount (or something techy like that) on his bike. The geeks of the group salivated over it….. The patron said they’d have a look at the weather in Chirk before deciding whether to go up to Glyn Ceiriog.

The peloton set off in the mist and murk with James proving himself a personable addition and Mark….. LOL sorry mate couldn’t resist that!!

Well at Chirk it was raining but the peloton pressed on with the Patron giving James a running commentary as to the delights of North Wales and; as the rain increased, with water running insistently down top tubes whilst being thrown up incessantly by summer bikes. The Patron called a stop to put capes on. After it had been explained to Peppers that his Bat cape wouldn’t keep him dry the group moved off again. Onwards through Glyn Ceiriog and ever upwards the group sped all the while getting wetter and wetter. The Lantern by now yo-yoing off the back whilst James effortlessly cruised up and down the peloton.

The rest of the group chatted amiably as the group worked its way up to Llanarmon DC whilst the Lantern slowly turned blue from exertion and exposure. A quick left in Llan DC and the road kicks up steeply. James; Roger, Mark and sundry others cruised off like it was only a 1/10 whilst the Lantern sweated and shivered at the back. The Lantern suddenly had a pressing need to lose some weight (to use a polite analogy). “Never mind” he thought soon be at the café. Just as he thought this the Patron said “We’ll make it a non-stopper today boys”. What the lantern would have given for a stopper at that moment. Through gritted teeth and carefully controlled farts the crisis was averted and the soggy peloton regrouped without the Lantern having birthed twins but it was definitely touch and cloth for a while.

The unrelenting weather and undulating terrain did nothing to improve the Lantern’s mood when the patron announced where they’d come out and the fact that it’d mean going up the back of the racecourse hill. Everyone else rejoiced whilst the Lantern looked for a handy stick to shove through the Patron’s spokes. Needless to say James & sundry others disappeared into the distance whilst the Patron shepherded the Lantern up to the brow.

On the descent the Lantern discovered two things; he was faster downhill than James (so that was something) and his wheels were fast enough to freewheel past Roger whilst he was pedaling downhill!!!!

BTW it had by now stopped raining.

The peloton sailed into Oswestry and turned left by the police station for the drag up to western Rhyn. After the Patron’s, by now, almost obligatory piss stop the group headed back home via a very painful (at least for the Lantern) Tally Ho. Just at the top of this drag the patron had the double misfortune of puncturing and only having the Lantern for company. After his pump failed to inflate his tyre the lantern gamely handed his pump over. “How does it work?” the patron asked; the Lantern shrugged. Suffice to say that the Patron didn’t manage to get the Lantern’s pump to work and ended up stranded.

The Lantern rode home alone whilst the Patron called in International Rescue; or Roger as he’s known to the Peloton.

After tea and biscuits at chez le Patron everyone went their separate ways. As we left Chris asked James; “Will you be out with us next week?” James replied it might not be next week. Chris countered with “We’ve got a good un planned”. Still James hesitated. Chris just so you understand - You know you think Manchester is far away? Well James lives in Cumbria which is even further away so it’d be a bit of a commute to make the Patron’s start time!!! And we all know what the Patron would say if he was even 5 minutes late - “F**k him he knows what time we go”!!!!

Thanks to everyone who made the ride so enjoyable despite the awful weather.