22/05/11 - Strongest wind ever - Patron not to blame shock!!!

To say it was a blustery morning when the Craps gathered at chez Le Patron is a bit like saying Le Patron lets the odd fart slip out - superficially true but no where near doing it justice. Attention was diverted by Roger’s shiny new Garmin computer which apparently told you everything you need to know apart from where the Bloody Candle was!! Late again today he’d be in trouble though he’d say he was sorry - Christ he’s turned into Horace Wimp!!! Like the true taxi driver he once was when asked his whereabouts he replied “I’m just turning off the bypass now lads”.

Somewhat later than anticipated the peleton set off towards its rendezvous with Matinee at Moreton. Several stops to don/shed capes followed as the group battled strong winds; eventually the rendezvous was made at the foot of Chirk Bank and the group wound its way up to Western Rhyn.

Another cape stop ensued before they were once again shed just before the run down into Oswestry. The Patron threw the group into confusion by having a piss stop on the way out this week. On the other side of Oswestry it was on with capes again. Peppers tried a new variation called how many twists can I put in my cape and still get it on. He was left looking like Houdini with both arms pinioned behind his back and his bike on the floor.

The group flew through Maesbury Marsh with the Candle on the front followed by Roger with the Lanterne hanging on for grim death up the drag to the main road. Shortly after the group hung a right and hit the back roads which were blessedly free of cars but, if anything, even more open to blustery gusts swirling around the peleton.

Shortly before the climb Chris turned up the heat and the Lantern felt something snap - think it was his Achilles….. The climb was reached and the peleton threw themselves at it with gusto apart from the lantern….who just threw up.

Roger, Vino, Matinee shot off up it like the Red Arrows display team whilst the Patron kept his own pace and the Lantern chugged valiantly behind like a badly maintained steam engine. Vino’s resume of the ride made reference to getting a stiff one up the back of Rodney’s column. Sometimes the Lantern is quite glad to be off the back……..

There was a brief regrouping at the bottom of the descent but as soon as the group turned onto the main road to Welshpool Matinee shot off like someone had stuffed ginger up his jaxie. The brothers Hughes and Patron reacted quickly; the Candle and Roger Whittaker soon followed. Vino wavered looked behind, saw the Lantern struggling and waited. A nobler and, lets be honest, more futile gesture has rarely been witnessed on a bike. Half a mile after catching up the Lantern was off the back and both he and Carl were destined to ride solo into the teeth of the gale for 7-8 miles into Welshpool. To replicate the feeling tie several large tyres to the bike of your bike (no comments about the lantern having them round his middle thank you) and occasionally ride into a brick wall. As Vino rightly said in his write up “Duw it was hard”. Though at least no spokes were broken which is more than could said for the Patron - much more of this and his nickname will need to be changed to Buster!!

Naughty boy the Candle had been designated catcher to ensure the turn off wasn’t missed and eventually this band of brothers alighted at the café in Welshpool.

I will say the food was very nice but Vino looked ready to go to war over the time it took to make him a tuna baguette - baguette, butter and tuna - how hard can it be?

On the return leg Matinee noticed the wind had dropped to force 12 and took this as his signal to launch a blistering attack. Such was his speed that the Lantern came to the only logically conclusion - “He obviously needs a shit badly”!!! This burst of acceleration forced the Lantern to run up the white flag; unfortunately no one but the Patron saw it. So once again it was left to the Patron to shepherd the Lantern back until they met up with the group who’d waited near Selattyn.

After bidding farewell to Matinee the group wheeled its weary way back to the Patron’s patio for a much needed cuppa. Talk turned to the day’s ride; Peppers pronounced it “Hardest ride of the year Al”. Vino looked glassy eyed slumped on the patio. Average speeds were discussed and 16.5ish seemed reasonable; the Lantern kept his head down. The Candle volunteered that his had been about 17.5; amid a howl of protest he conceded he may not have got the conversion from KPH to MPH quite right.

Strangely enough the Lantern had been wondering why he persists with KPH earlier on during the struggle back from Welshpool. He assumes it was to do with the “I Just Biked” website he posts his rides on. The Lantern ideally mused whether there was a “I Just Bonked” website as this would have been nearer his experience that day. Probably there is but its probably not related to cycling…!!! The Lantern thought if he posted his total ride time - 4hrs 33 minutes, max speed 35mph and average speed 15.1mph on that site he would be besieged by hopeful females with a lustful glint in their eye…… Funny what you think about on the bike isn’t it!!!

Once again thanks to everyone who waited for the Lantern and special mention to Matinee and Peppers for not giving him one of their motivational speeches - much appreciated boys.

Hopefully see some of you next weekend for a ride and Patron - enjoy your holiday and thanks for all the help.