24/07/11 - You want me to ride up there!!!!!!!!!!

Having being treated to a new changing area by “not tight just prudent” Vino, the Lantern rolled into the usual meeting place with Vino and wiped the smile off the Candle’s face who was entertaining thoughts of not being last to get ready. The Lantern was pleased to see Mark making a welcome return to the peloton but somewhat concerned by the FDI’s absence. On the promised hilly route he felt he might not manage to corral a large enough Gruppetto to avoid elimination.

The group trundled out blissfully unaware of the hardships to come. As the group rode up towards Llyn Celyn the Lantern reflected that going uphill for the first hour of the ride wasn’t really his idea of fun and passed the time by idly wondering when exactly FDI would have reached for a gel, had he been there. Crossing the A4212, with no inkling of the suffering he’d endure along that self same road later, the lantern huffed and puffed behind the rest of the peloton who looked like they were still in the neutralised zone. Eventually the group passed the sometime café stop and began the descent into Blaenau.

Somewhere on that road the group hung a left & descended a single track rode with varying degrees of aplomb before a quick left then right and, after barely a 50 yard detour and a 360, another right. The Crapis found themselves on a lovely winding road. Appreciative murmurs were heard from the peloton about the views. The Matinee Idol following his pilot fish, the lantern, but punctured when he couldn’t avoid the rocks the lantern had, inconceivably, bounced over. Matinee’s back tyre went down faster than a premiership footballer. Matinee’s initial diagnosis of “I think the tyre’s f*cked” proved wide of the mark and with a brief diversion to knock his bike over for comedy effect the peloton was once more on the move.

The gradient grew steadily steeper and the lantern began to feel as confident as Andy Schleck on a Pyrenean descent. Rocket Ronnie hurtled down it like it was a ski ramp. Just as the lantern decided at any moment he was going to take off and form the flying V-shape, he was bought back to earth by a puncture. After a quick change the peloton was off again and swung onto another idyllic looking single track road. That lasted for a couple of miles before the track became festooned with stones and rabid looking dogs (thankfully chained up) both of which were a bit disconcerting. Mark completed the group’s hat-trick by picking up another puncture.

Waiting up the road at the Tan y Bwlch junction it finally dawned on the other five that one of the missing trio of Crapis must have punctured. With thinly veiled comments passing between Vino and the Candle about the nature of the next climb the lantern decided to act decisively. “F*ck it I’m making a start, you buggers will catch me anyway” he muttered and rode off with the sound of the Candle sniggering like Mutley in his ears.

Well I’m not sure how everyone else found it but the lantern wept tears of pure joy when he rounded the corner and saw the road ramping up before him. Oh Happy Day he thought as he bought out his patented Ivor the Engine climbing noises and chugged away up the climb. Remarkably near the top, the rest must have waited ages, he was joined by Vino and then the Candle. Cresting the hill the lantern attempted to follow the Candle down the other side but had to back off and marvel in admiration at his descending - still got a fat arse though mate!!!!

After another regrouping the peloton headed towards the Osprey observatory road on a thankfully flat piece of road at a fairly serene pace. Cue Rocket Ron on the front to push the pace up a bit. Never mind, the lantern thought we’ve just passed a sign saying Porthmadog three miles and that’s where the café is. Just as he had thought this Vino indicated right.

Well for maybe 50 yards the road looked ok then it suddenly ramped up in front of the Crapis in truly terrifying fashion. Never mind the Lantern thought it’ll flatten out around the next bend…..ok maybe the next one……please god the next one…..f*ck I’m getting off!! Most of the peloton were out of sight by this time but the lantern could hear, carried through the clear Welsh air, the unmistakable sound of bars being chewed. In the distance the Patron was still on his bike when he had no right to be (as in his words “This f**kers too steep for the likes of you and me”) before he too succumbed and joined the Crapi Ramblers (thanks Carl). Slightly ahead the Lantern could see his brother, the Candle, slumped over his bars gasping for breath with his legs shaking like Elvis in his pomp!!

The three regrouped and tried again; 100 yards up the road they were off again. Much cursing and threats against Vino’s person ensued. Chris and Mark came back to the trio and a conference was held to determine what to do. Eventually due to the fact that a) no one wanted to ride down anything that steep and b) no one knew where the café was it was agreed to continue. Mark and Chris rode off and shortly thereafter the road levelled off a bit, say to 20%, and the other three managed to get up to the others. More suffering followed before the peloton made it to the top of the climb.

Going down the other side was much more agreeable and the peloton descended gentler slopes through stunning views across the bay. Eventually Vino took the group through several sets of roadwork’s, round a roundabout twice, through Porthmadog and on to Borth-y-Gest for a welcome café stop. It was decreed at the café that there’d be no messing about on the way home and we’d just go back on the main road. The Lantern fully approved this plan.

After crossing the toll road over the estuary to more stunning views the group headed back towards Maentwrog when suddenly the Patron shouted “Carl are we turning right here”? The Lantern did a double-take. Up there!! Oh goody that looks steep. The Lantern tried to take a flier and get the jump on most of the group but within 200 yards of the start of the climb he found himself off the back. The technical cycling term for what had happened to the Lantern is “he was completely f**ked from that previous climb”. Slowly he ground his way up towards the top and thought dark thoughts about Vino.

Thankfully after the climb not too much height was lost on the descent and the Lantern was able to hang on until the group turned onto A4212 (remember that) to Bala. Shortly after the turn-off there was a short sharp ramp and the lantern lost contact and the Patron, whether through choice or necessity, joined him.

The rest of the peloton pulled clear and raced off towards Bala. Slowly but surely the Candle and Mark were dropped from the bunch. Four became two as Vino and Ronnie shot off and, despite a valiant attempt by the Matinee Idol (well according to him anyway), they were first back at the cars followed by Matinee, Chris, Candle and Mark.

Meanwhile off the back the Patron and Lantern were sweating and cursing up every ramp in the road. What tended to happen was that Patron would launch himself up each climb whilst the Lantern plodded. Once over the top Patron free-wheeled until Lantern caught up then they hit a drag, etc, etc. Eventually they made it back to the car due entirely due the Patron’s efforts dragging Lantern home.

Due to Carl’s tightness the Lantern didn’t get any post ride interviews this week but I imagine everyone was fairly subdued on account of being so knackered. Mark you certainly picked a good ride for your return!!! I didn’t see much of you and when I did I had no breath to chat but was good to see you and you looked like you were going well!!

As well as the usual thanks for everyone making the ride (almost) enjoyable I thought I’d paraphrase a few words from a certain Mr Shakespeare to do justice to the heroic deeds done this day:

“This day is called the feast of St Crapi.
He that survives this day and comes home safe,
Will stand on tip-toe when this day is named,
And perk up at the name of Crapi.
He that makes it to be an old git,
Will bore his mates each year,
And say “Tomorrow is St Crapis”
Then he’ll pull down his cycling shorts and show his scars,
And say “I got these scars on St Crapis day”

Chapeau one and all for surviving “Vino’s Vendetta” and hopefully I’ll see you all next weekend for another Crapi adventure - less hills though please!!!!