A gentle jaunt with the Crapis - 09/07/11

This week saw a new addition to the peleton with Gaz Waud added to the Crapis palmares (offers for nicknames gratefully accepted). The FDI looked thoughtful when he arrived at the Patron’s house; apparently last week’s urine sample was almost entirely made up of a gel like substance. With Chris, Pepperami, Vino, Roger Whittaker and the Lantern rounding out the group the Patron led the way to meet up with Matinee.

FDI set a new record when he had a gel at the Moreton Park garden centre. Rumours that he is in advanced talks to have a revolving carousel fitted to his top tube to hold his gels are unconfirmed at time of going to press.

Western Rhyn saw another first as the Patron called a piss stop; FDI shot off to take advantage. It was then that the patron announced that the group would not be turning left outside WR but heading straight up to Selattyn. The Lantern groaned; FDI’s fingers closed around another gel…..

The climb didn’t stop in Selattyn as the group carried on climbing before eventually coming down at the far side of the racecourse hill. Gaz putting in an impressive performance on his first climb with the peleton (actually I was miles behind so I’ve no idea, but he’s new so I thought I’d be nice!!).

After swapping yarns until FDI and the Lantern appeared, the group then made its way towards the beast. After some formation descending by the peleton which left Gaz bemused and concerned (until assured it wasn’t compulsory) the group turned left for the beast. Vino, Roger, Chris, Peppers and Matinee pulled clear. Gaz, with the Patron keeping a paternal eye on him (and probably uttering things like “knock it back, it kicks up in a bit”), climbed steadily. Meanwhile the Lantern fumbled for his lowest gear and FDI’s hand slid towards his…..

With the group back together at the top, FDI shot off down the descent faster than diarrhoea coming out of a baby. The peleton swung right for Trefonen and FDI continued his assault until he suffered an energy implosion and his hand slid gratefully towards his…..

After the descent of Blodwell Bank the peleton was back together and headed towards Llanymynech with Chris, Peppers, Matinee and the Patron setting the tone for a fast dash to the village. Once over the main road the pace hotted up faster than the Lantern on an Alpine climb before the Patron called a left turn for an alternative ride to the café.

Once at the café the FDI sought out the Lantern and confirmed his legs had gone and he was knackered (N.B. He says this every week). After some light refreshment the peleton set out for the ride back. FDI’s café legs kicked in again as he slid off the back and usurped its rightful owner on the climb out of Morda. The Lantern hung on with the climbers (Hushovd like he though….) until the bottom of the old racecourse hill and then watched the usual suspects and the peleton’s newest member ride off up the road.

Whilst the Lantern did his Ivor the Engine impression up the climb the FDI was being shepherded by the Patron and brother Chris.

Another regrouping at the top saw FDI take a flier down the descent and the rest of the peleton left Gaz standing with their descending skills (apart from Vino who made sure Gaz didn’t miss the turn-off). The climb out of Oswestry was hard as usual (well it was for me you bastards!) and the Lantern’s mood wasn’t lightened by watching the FDI sail past him with Vino’s hand on his derriere (I believe they are just good friends….).

At the top FDI passed on the chance of a piss stop - things were worse than the Lantern imaged. The peleton stayed together until WR where the big boys (well Peppers and Vino) went off the front to wave goodbye to Matinee at the roundabout.

The rest of the peleton hit Chirk Bank and it nearly knocked the FDI out. Foaming a gel-like substance from his mouth he appeared on Chirk High street like an extra from the “Thriller” video. Roger Whittaker, Chris, Patron and Gaz rode up the Tally Ho together with Chris putting in a gentle reminder of his climbing skills while the Lantern rode in front of the FDI who had, by now, exchanged his gels for rosary beads and was just praying he’d get home.

The Lantern took this time to discuss with Coppi the improvements in cycling aids since his death in 1960. Whilst water and possibly a few amphetamines sufficed in his heyday perhaps energy drinks could be the way forward in these more enlightened times. The FDI sucked thoughtfully on a gel and said he’d think about it.

Back at Café le Patron Gaz was having his bike serviced when the Lantern returned (FDI having gone straight home) but there was no sign of Vino and Peppers. They arrived moments later and explained they’d missed the group whilst waiting by the Garden Centre (Note to Vino - Do not follow Peppers it never ends well) and some nonsense about a puncture stopping them reeling in the FDI and the Lantern. Ha!!

Tea and nutrigrain bars were consumed on the patio and all was well with the world. Hopefully Gaz enjoyed his first trip out with the Crapis and will return in a few weeks.

The FDI would like to pass on his thanks to everyone who ensured he got home still able to say his own name and, as ever, I’d like to thank everyone for making it such a lovely ride. Hopefully we’ll meet up and do it all again next weekend!!

P.S. Matinee - with seven consonants and only 2 vowels I’m passing on a new anagram for today’s ride!!