Off the Back Archive - 12/05/07

12/05/07 - Rhos - Ruthin - Denbigh - Tweedmills Cafe - Bodfari - Cilcain - Llanarmon - Rhos

Woke up bright and early this morning (its always bright & F**king early with the crapi's) for my comeback ride. God my legs were still hurting from Thursday's ride - to replicate the feeling get someone to hit both thighs with a ten pound lump hammer for say five minutes.

I nearly didn't recognise Ron with his new Pinarello, he's only ever had his stylish 1970's Starsky & Hutch styled bike whilst I've known him. Coupled with this season's Discovery kit he effortlessly walks off with the best turned out rider category.

The usual "we'll take it easy today" and "lets go steady" are bandied about by the others. They all say these things every week and it doesn't have any bearing on the subsequent ride. I now believe they are playing an elaborate game of bluff with each other - poker on a bike (which is a lot more difficult than it sounds!!).

By the time we've reached the water towers at Legacy I'm seriously considered turning off in Coedpoeth to go home. The others effortlessly spin up the back way to Minera whilst I grind a couple of inches off my teeth with the effort of keeping up. By the time we've climbed up through Bwlchgwyn my quads are in full scale revolt and I am regretting not bringing the rosaries to aid my prayers. Then miraculously the pain starts to subside & coupled with Matinee Robbo's pointed gesticulations I take my place in the bunch & take my turn on the front. Maybe this won't be so bad after all............

At the top of the Nant y Garth the heavens opened and its like riding down a river blindfolded. The only way I can see is to perch my glasses on the end of my nose and peer over the top of them al la Larry Grayson (though, I'm sure you'll be disappointed to learn, this was not coupled with the hand on the hip). Once clear the Garth we tottle along merrily to the outskirts of Ruthin where Matinee puts the hammer down and goes up the last drag at 22mph. He said later "my computer wasn't working" - this is another oft used phrase when one of them wants to let everyone know how well they are going - "I didn't think I was going that fast, it felt easy". Sometimes I could cheerfully put a stick through his front spokes!!

The crapi express races through the countryside like the well oiled (god I wish I had been) machine it is (and not, as some have mentioned, like an anaconda after a particularly heavy meal). The obligatory headwind is there but doesn't seem to slow us down. I'm still taking turns on the front and looking like a proper rider, maybe it won't be so bad after all......... Somewhere just outside Denbigh, physiologically, something went clunk & the quads began to remind me that they really were VERY sore. On the last stretch to the cafe at Tweedmills the Matinee idol asks for the pace to be lifted and slowly but inevitably I begin to slide "Off the Back".

Now the rest of the lads will tell you that they don't bother racing for signs or any of that other stuff that takes place on some club rides. They indeed don't but once the cafe's in site Chris, Matinee & Flatulance (aka Le Patron - Flatulance copyright of Mrs Matinee, all rights reserved) are off. Ron tails off slightly but as he's moved about 16 tonnes of earth this week, he's building a patio, its understandable. Reports that the patio is a cover for Ron's plan to make a fortune by reopening Bersham colliery in his back garden is unconfirmed at the time of going to press.

Le Patron orders beans on toast and teas all round, "Do you want salad luv?" "We'll have whatever you've got" replies Al thinking he's getting it gratis. Bl**dy hell the salad costs more than the beans on toast! Still it was very nice. Hopefully now we've refuelled I'll be alright for a bit.

Once through Bodfari the road just seems to go up and up, a continual drag, the others are spinning effortlessly and chatting away whilst I'm seriously wondering whether I'll need dentures by the time we've finished. I am now in full blown grovelling mode where every turn of the pedals hurts and every slight increase in tempo is agony, god knows how Ronnie is coping after his mining exploits. Eventually we turn off for Cilcain and Flatulance comes out with another of his patented catchphrases "there's a lot of drags on this so take it steady". To be fair they are taking it steady but that's still far to fast for me, every climb sees me fumbling for bottom gear like an overexcited schoolboy reaching for the tissues.

By the time we hit the Mold - Ruthin road its left to Le Patron (aka flatulance) to tow my sorry hide towards Llanarmon. He said first thing that he reckoned I owed him about 480 miles - after today I probably need to tow him 550 to even things up (sorry Al but my back won't take it!!). I probably owe all of them about 700 miles on the front so looks like once I retire from cricket at the end of this season I'll be spending my remaining days on the front of the peloton.

Eventually I crawl past the Liver pub and we make it back to A525 just above Bwlchgwyn. This decent is another one that seems to "flick their switches", soon I'm hanging on the back screaming into Coedpoeth at over 30mph. By the garage my big end goes and I have to ease back (very gingerly!). Everyone regroups for the last tottle into Rhos. The other four are explaining to each other how they didn't get dropped at various points on the descent, rather it was their choice. I'm wondering how many days it'll be before I can walk up stairs again. There is one last, short drag which kills me. The others, who don't race of course and are not at all competitive, take off like greyhounds out of a trap. These unseemly scrums really don't become them. But I'll let you into a secret, me and every other Lantern Rouge out there are secretly jealous. We long to be fit/good enough to be in the mix and, dare I say it, win the sprint to the top one day - just don't tell the other four!

Back at Le Patron's its teas all round (a bit like me). I can't believe how much my thighs hurt. Why do you do it I hear you cry, because now a few hours later I can honestly say I really enjoyed it. Maybe I'm just lucky to go out with a great bunch of lads who put up with my frailties and never abandon me on the road. For that lads I am very grateful. Chapeau