Off The Back Archive - France 2007

Reports of my demise in sunny France have been slightly exaggerated so here are my recollections of the Crapi's "Tour to France". Le Patron passed a late fitness test and despite coughing like a lab reared beagle eased himself into my Fiesta for the trip to France. I don't want to go into great detail about the trip down to the Alps but a packed car and three big lads does not a pleasant aroma make!! After an eventful first evening kipping in a Formula 1 near Dole - Fireworks (It was Bastille day) until midnight, the asthmatic beagle coughing every 30 seconds until 3 am & then my alarm blasting out at 4.45am - we arrived at the wonderful campsite champ du moulin. Le Patron was lost for words and all he uttered to Paul (yes folks our very own matinee idol made the trip) and myself was "F**k me its beautiful". An early night ensued as we were off on our first ride on the Monday.

La Berarde - 16/07/07
To say Le Patron was excited on the day of our first ride is a slight understatement, he looked like he'd been on the pro plus & co-codomol when he breezed into our room at half past far too bloody early to chivvy us along. We set out from the campsite before the sun had climbed over the alpine peaks and within a quarter of a mile the road reared up like Evil Kenevil's take off ramp. Bloody hell it was steep to begin with, worry turned to dread as Le Patron and Matinee pedalled off, seemingly without trying, while I tried to convince my legs it would stop hurting in a minute. The views on the climb were fantastic, the scenery was absolutely stunning. Eventually after nearly two hours we made it to La Berarde - a little piece of paradise - and I slumped into my chair in the cafe. Hopefully there are some pictures on the website of this fantastic place for you to see for yourselves. Now comes the fun bit - the descent - this is the bit I can do (probably something to do with weight/momentum ratios). After taking nearly two hours to get up I got back to the campsite in about 20 minutes, Matinee and La Patron choose a more leisurely pace and arrived back to find me cleaning my bike. The picture Paul took of me has been classified under the Official Secrets act - suffice to say man boobs and a sizeable gut were captured in all their glory. After a visit from the Lantern's older and only marginally less dashing older brother another early night was taken, after some fortifying wine had been imbibed of course!! Tomorrow we were off to see the Tour.

The Galibier - 17/07/07
Another early start, we have to get the car as close to the top of the Col de Lautaret as possible so we don't have too far to ride. I drive as I'm determined to find a spot near the top as I'm knackered after yesterday's ride. After a pit stop (which proved to be a false alarm) for Matinee to study the intricacies of French pipe work we parked at the top of the Lautaret (Hurrah!!). Bikes were quickly unloaded and we were off. Le Patron and myself had both indicated we'd stop on the ride up so as not to kill ourselves before Thursday's big ride. Actually in Matinee's hearing Al said he'd "wait for the lad here" but we all knew what he meant!! The climb from the top of the Lautaret is only (!!) about 5 miles but it took me the best part of an hour to get there. Mostly Le Patron and myself rode together whilst Matinee went on his own sweet way. The last kilometre or so is 12% and both Le Patron and myself struggled. Matinee caught the sprint for the top on camera though I doubt we broke 5mph, the picture of me gurning like someone trying to pass a watermelon on the pictures link gives you a glimpse of the pain and suffering involved. We must have been at the top before 10am and the Tour wasn't due through until 4ish. It’s amazing how quickly the time goes, chatting to other cyclists and watching the French police wrestle people off their bikes when they ignored their instructions. In next to no time the annual scrum known as the Tour caravan winded its way up the Galibier and we scrabbled for the meagre pickings left by the crack German squad - there was at least 6 of them working both sides of the road!! Eventually news starts to filter through, a Barloworld rider is away - no one has any idea who Soler is at this stage. Soon we see the helicopters circling above the riders and a red dot comes into view. As they wind their way up the mountainside towards us we begin to pick out individual riders on the road. It becomes clear 2 Discovery riders are chasing Soler. Suddenly Soler goes past us at an amazing rate closely followed by Popovych (what a good Tour he had) and Contador. Cadel Evans is burying himself to get over the top still in contention, Rassmussen, Moreau and the other contenders fly past (how do they go so fast?). There are now gaps before other riders appear. First you hear the noise of the crowd the crowd parts and the motorbikes appear, suddenly the rider(s) come into view. Vino gets towed over (obviously hadn't filled up with Super unleaded blood at this stage), Boogerd leads a group over the top. Soon the Grupetto appears and all thoughts of taking pictures are suspended so we can shout encouragement to Geraint Thomas as he goes past. Le Patron is waving his flag like a marmot on speed. As he passes Thomas nods at us to acknowledge our support, Le Patron and I are in raptures - It’s made our holiday.
Eventually the broom wagon passes and we can make our way back to the car, we are swiftly back at the campsite and babble excitedly all evening about what we've seen over more red wine. What a great day.


Alpe D'Huez - Col de Sarenne - Les Deux Alpes - 19/07/07
The day of the big ride arrives and I'm worried - so far I've shown all the climbing ability of Cyril Smith. Le Patron is a cauldron of nervous energy again and the atmosphere in the chalet reflects this. We emerge, eyes streaming, and I get dropped on the ride down to Bourg D'Oisans. This does not bode well. We hang a right and after a short straight pain explodes into every leg muscle as Alpe D'Huez ramps up before us. Le Patron said later that even though we'd described it to him, nothing prepared him for the severity of that first ramp. We all settle into our own rhythms and Matinee is soon lost to sight. I'm climbing behind Le Patron, which is not ideal given the smells we'd endured earlier that morning. If he overstrains himself now you'd need a snow shovel to get me out!! Then that marvellous thing that sometimes happens to cyclists occurs - suddenly it’s not as hard to climb. I don't mean to suggest it’s easy, it still hurts really deep down, but I find a rhythm and slowly overhaul Le Patron (to be fair he is taking his time and looking round like a kid in a sweet shop). Le Patron looked up at a structure seemingly miles and thousands of feet above him and ideally wondered, "What's that?” He just settled on it being some sort of buttress to support the cliff when a car went along it and he realised it was where we had to go!! After 1.5 hours of pain I reach the top, proud that I've now completed it twice without stopping but not sure I can go on. Le Patron is not far behind and we join Matinee at the cafe where he's been working on his tan for the last half hour. After refreshments I feel strong enough to continue and we climb out through the top of Alpe D'Huez, past the airport and drop down and then back up to the Col de Sarenne. Le Patron tells me at the bottom of this climb that he's cooked and won't be doing Les Deux Alpes. Again we all find our own rhythm and I keep Matinee within 50 - 100 yards throughout the climb but I have to dig deep. It was sweltering on the climb and Le Patron looked to be suffering as he wound his way up with the speed of Geoff Capes towing a lorry!! About 30 seconds after reaching the top he announced to Matinee "I don't feel too bad, I'm definitely up for doing Les Deux Alpes"!! I suggested I go on ahead on the descent and take some pictures, I whizzed down a couple of Kilometres and set myself up on a bend. Whole minutes ticked by before Matinee appeared and I got some shots. Where was Le Patron, he'd started the descent before Matinee? Careful questioning elicited from Matinee that Le Patron was coming down the Sarenne slower than he'd gone up it - a truly amazing feat!! Eventually he came into view and started to wind his way down towards us - it was like watching Steptoe's horse. In response to helpful catcalls like "Get off and push" Le Patron shouted "I'm a father and a husband, you won't be so cavalier after you've bounced off the bonnet of one"!!! The man's a poet! Eventually we got down to the bottom and only had to talk Le Patron down two more steep bits!! After fortification we began the ascent of Les Deux Alpes, Matinee and myself started together and I tried desperately to hold his wheel. After about 3K I couldn't manage it any longer, it was too hot. So all three of us snaked our own path up towards the summit. With 5k to go to the top I realised if I carried on I simply wouldn't have the energy to get back to the campsite (a lovely 5 mile climb to finish the day). I more or less fell off the bike into a patch of shade by the roadside. After barely a couple of minutes hyperventilating I managed to summon the energy to ring Le Patron as he'd also said he'd probably stop. It turned out he was someway near me - "Hang on he said a lorry's just going past". As he said that a lorry passed me and when I looked out he was barely ten yards down the road talking to me on his phone. "Oh you're there" he said pointing whilst still talking into his phone. So that's where the ascent of Les Deux Alpes finished for Le Patron and myself. Matinee made it all the way and had the pictures to prove it. I did make it back to the chalet but I think I was right not to go for the summit of Les Deux Alpes.
So that's the edited highlights of our alpine adventure, we had a fantastic time. I would just like to thank Paul (Matinee) and Allan (Le Patron) for being such amiable travelling companions - roll on next year.