9th April 2011 Off The Back

Sun, shorts and Saddle sores!!

The Lantern decided to wait a while before compiling his report to allow the willy waving to die down on the message board!!! After reading Carl’s report its obvious we’ll have to up the ante (before you ask no I’m not referring to Matinee’s Bala squeeze!).

Here’s the truth of what really happened (admittedly at times from a long way behind the action!) Fingers will be pointed and ego’s could take a bashing…..

Nice to see Craig (or roger Whittaker) back and looking full of beans. First point of note is Ronnie new nickname dreamed up by the lantern whilst trundling up the Milltir Cerrig - Pepperami (cause he’s a bit of…..well you know the rest). Personally I think Pepperami has a death wish as he turned up late for the 2nd week running. The Patron was persuaded to give him two minutes grace and Peppers narrowly avoided missing the ride - he’d have never found us - he lost the rest of the group once in…….Rhostyllen and again in ……L’alpe D’huez!!! My but he was certainly looking frisky as he rode off the front in Ruabon before a double puncture allowed a re-grouping around Chirk.

With matinee picked up, the group headed through Oswestry & up towards the top of Blodwell Bank. So far so good for the Lantern; still in the same county as the others and not feeling anything like as bad as last week. At the bottom the group turned right for the ride up to Penybont Fawr. The Candle made a schoolboy error and had his gel on the wrong side of the road and had to chase back on as a result. Maybe he’s adopted I thought…..

The Patron put several turns in on the front, doing sterling work. At one point the pulled off into a lay-by to let the others go through and they, to a man, followed him in!!! Eventually Carl went on the front but rode off into the distance so quickly that everyone else assumed he was going for a piss stop. The Candle narrowly avoided the ignominy of seeing the Lantern hit the front first and then proceeded to put in a long stint that, had they witnessed it, would have had several exes shaking their heads and muttering “If only he’d lasted that long with me it could have been so different!!”. Roger Whittaker followed in similarly impressive style. The Lantern was now poised second in line to take his turn on the front…….. The Road train known as the patron barrelled past and muttered “I’ve got this”, dashing the lantern’s dreams……..

After a brief stop in Penybontfawr for Carl to buy some Leffe for the coming climb, the first transgression occurred. Matinee had stopped for a piss and the rest of the bastards attacked - well Peppers, Roger, the Candle and Carl (should we christen him Desert Orchid? He was fast and he was grey as well!!) did anyway. The Candle especially should hang his head as he’d badgered both the Lantern and Matinee himself to ensure he brought his camera. Weighing a rival down with superfluous kit and then attacking when he’s on a piss stop. Not the done thing at all….. The Lantern trundled up at this own pace and the rest of the peleton had hardly finished their chess tournament when he arrived.

On the descent the Patron gave it some welly, most of the peleton drafted behind him or a car (Chapeau Carl) leaving only the sweating, puffing, cursing lantern riding full pelt into a headwind just to keep the gap at 100 yards. Jesus that was hard and the lantern had slightly rubbery (no Chinese jokes please) legs by the time the café stop in Bala was reached.

Eight sweaty cyclists soon cleared space in the café but not before a couple of Bala lovelies had set their hearts on Matinee sitting at their table. When he graciously accepted (such a nice well brought up lad) one was so pleased she had a stroke. The other one, sitting further away, couldn’t reach and glowered at Matinee whilst he munched his toffee pie (or whatever he’d got). So matinee pulled without even trying. Before he crows too much I should just point out they both had more miles on the clock than the Patron’s odometer!

At the café the Lantern confided to Matinee that he didn’t like the pull out of Bala - time for another matinee inspirational speech. “Don’t engage bottom gear on the first small drag then” he said deadpan. I'm sure he was joking.

The Lantern tried, really he did, but soon he was off the back and being shepherded (actually that no where near does them justice) back by Chris and the Patron. Just after the lights in Bala Patron and Chris made the catch but the lantern couldn’t quite make it. “Please, please, please let the lights be on red at Corwen”. Fortune smiled and the Lantern rejoined the group….until Peppers put the hammer down going out of Corwen and the Lantern said goodbye to the peleton for good.

I feel a bit guilty really as week after week I only have sketchy details of what went on up front but by all accounts this week Peppers was going well. Carl apparently also going well - well he didn’t tire himself out on the front did he(actually he probably did its just I was too far behind to see!). Matinee got cramp somewhere after Llangollen and the others sportingly attacked. From the various reports these last few weeks I suspect the workload caught up with Matinee - like Cancellara - he pulls his rivals along doing long pulls on the front all day (alternative view - trying to drop the buggers) whilst they keep their powder dry.

Roger went pop somewhere along the A5. Carl puts this down in his blog to him only being 80% fit. An alternative view might be he paid for horsing it up the climbs in big gears. Besides Carl he told the Candle the ride was 72 miles so he only rode 90% of it - maybe he caught the steam train?

Anyway back to the back. The Lantern was happy enough going his own pace and just about kept Chris and the Patron in sight. After a crawl up the Tally Ho he finally caught up with them around Dennis Ruabon where they were, I suspect, indulged in their warm down! An average speed of 15.5mph might not seem that great to the greyhounds in the group but it was a big improvement on the week before the Lantern could still walk at the end of it so progress after a fashion.

As ever thanks to everyone who waited at various points on the route for the fat Lantern to catch up. Special thanks to Chris and the Patron for keeping him company from Corwen. Whatever happens next weekend the Lantern will be out on Saturday so everyone else, pray Sunday has the best weather! The week after the Lantern is taking his good lady to Cardiff (however the hotel has a gym so he will still be on his bike) so it could be a couple of weeks before he catches up with some of the peleton. If so, happy riding until we meet again.