Off The Back - 2nd April 2011

Pottering along with the boys

After reading all the flights of fancy on the message board, the Lantern decided he better ignore the pain and paint a, more or less, accurate recollection of the ride from his perspective.

First thing was Mark turning up at the Patron’s still chuntering under his breath about potholes the size of Kansas and how if he’d wanted to experience the Nutcracker he’d have gone to the Ballet. Five past ten and no sign of Rocket Ronnie (Carl you should have realised then…). Ron appears chirping “it’s not ten yet…”. The Patron vaporises him with a stare and then we’re off to meet Matinee.

Now in my defence I thought the pace to Newbridge (about 5 miles down the road for the uninitiated!!) was a tad high and that’s the Lantern’s excuse for falling off the back on the climb up to the A5. Going through Chirk, Mark and Carl hung back to keep the Lantern in sight - not sure if this was to make sure he didn’t turn round or whether they were marking each other against a surprise attack.

The Lantern briefly took the lead as they met up with Matinee (think he hadn’t quite finished applying his hair gel….) but was soon passed in Western Rhyn. The peloton sportingly waited for the Lantern before the plunge down to Oswestry. Something told the Lantern this was going to be a long lonely day in the saddle (no comments about my sex life please!!).

The climb out of Oswestry towards the top of Blodwell Bank saw the rest of the peloton disappear into the distance whilst the Lantern sweated, cursed and coughed (see men can multitask!!) his way up to the top and then free-wheeled down to the bottom. Unfortunately the bastards were waiting for him at the bottom…….

The new route to the café through Llansantfraidd & Lanymynech was unknown to the Lantern so he thought he’d sit in the middle of the bunch for a bit and see how he got on. The pace was high (well for the Lantern at least) but not insurmountable and he hung on reasonably well and even indulged in a power glide round one bend due to some mud he didn’t see.

In Llanymynech the Lantern even got in the break across the road but none of the others wanted to work with him so he was forced to sit up……. The Boulder brothers were soon on the front; first Chris then Ron forcing the pace. Ron took it up to 23mph (and with it Lantern’s blood pressure to 202!!) then 24 then 25.… He looked round and saw the frankly distressing site of the Lantern’s chubby red chops staring back at him. Try and imagine a cartoon character whose eyes bulge out on stalks and you have some measure of his reaction. Barely pausing to say “Meep meep” he upped the ante again. Somewhere around 26 or 27mph the Lantern’s femurs actually melted and he sat up…… Only to be roughly grasped and shoved forward by matinee ( the girls think he’s so nice….!) who said something along the lines of “this isn’t good enough” and something about having the lantern shot as a deserter if he didn’t get back on Ronnie’s wheel.

Thankfully the café soon appeared and everyone was cheered up immeasurably to see Anna back at work. I’ll draw a veil over the noxious cloud that enveloped the dinners as investigations into the culprit have proved inconclusive at the time of going to press.

The Patron (any resemblance between the Patron and the chief suspect in the previous paragraph are purely incidental) announced to Mark, who had expressed a desire to be home early, that he had thought of a new route home which, for a change, included a few more hills. The Lantern’s heart sank but he stoically agreed to the challenge, suggesting the rest of the lads might want to push on without him or risk getting home at dusk.

From the café the group made its way to Morda where the Lantern was passed for the last time by the group and then, apart from a couple of glimpses of silhouettes on the horizon pointing the way, it was a long, painful and solo ride home for him.

The Lantern once rode down the old racecourse hill with Matinee so had some inkling of the horrors to come but nothing quite prepared him for the reality…….

The lower slopes were ok but as the road kept curving upwards, every ditch or fold in the fields were scanned frantically hoping they would reveal the road back to Oswestry. Bad kit choices were by now causing the Lantern to overheat desperately. Jesus would this fecking hill never end! Feeling light headed the Lantern wiped sweat from his brow, closed his eyes……and then a miracle happened!!

Suddenly the hill was easy; the tarmac was sweeping by beneath him; the crowd were cheering him on; he crossed the line arms aloft and podium girls were kissing his cheek!!! Actually one appeared to be licking his face….and her tongue was quite rough….When the Lantern opened his eyes he was lying in the hedge with a cow leaning over, licking sweat off his face…….

Eventually the pain stopped and the top was reached and apart from his dignity the only thing the Lantern appeared to have lost was the nose piece off his glasses. He trundled out of Oswestry, up the Tally Ho and through Ruabon feeling strangely happy with life. By the time he arrived back at the car he was positively beaming.

The Patron appeared by his gate making “Do you want a brew?” signs which were gratefully accepted. Think the Patron was just glad not to be posting a missing person’s report. As it was, he consoled the lantern by saying he hadn’t been back long and in fact had only had time to have a shower, weed the patio, cut the lawn, walk the dog, redecorate the lounge and read the paper.

All in all probably 80-85% of the Lantern’s ride was a solo one (rather reminiscent of his sex life truth be told!!) but thoroughly enjoyable (again rather like his…..). Thanks as always to the rest of the peloton for stopping and waiting at times; special mention to Matinee for another motivational speech (I’m sure Ron must write his scripts!!) and, back willing, I’ll be back to slow you all down again next Saturday!!

One final thing, like everyone else in the peloton, my thoughts were with the Patron and his family on Sunday.