Off The Back - 23rd April 2011

Ludicrous revisited

The Patron was back on form this week - 9am start in Bala. The somewhat bleary eyed peloton slowly assembled in the appointed car park apart from Vino who'd parked on Council premises and Dave who, it was alleged, was too tight to pay for parking (however, it subsequently transpired that he’d spent all his spare cash on paracetamol, pro plus & red bull). Eight Crapis on parade and seven heeded the Patron’s Welsh top call whilst Vino tried to show the lads how nice a bit of Celeste would look on proposed Crapi tops (it didn’t work).

Pepperami managed to set a new record by going the wrong way a mere 20 yards after leaving the car park thus proving beyond doubt there really is only one Lord Baltimore!!

The pace up the main road to the turn off was brisk without being suicidal. Coppi was looking a lot better this week; probably something to do with exchanging his long johns for a pair of shorts at last. A short time after the turnoff the road pointed up towards the stars, and the group split. Carl shot off (he’s either very very good on the hills or his prostate’s playing up…..) followed by Candle and Matinee. Coppi took one look at the incline ahead of him and pulled out the rosaries. However, what a difference a week makes as Coppi threw himself into the climb urged on by his brothers. The Lantern on the other hand was already suffering…….. Already looking like an overfed Xmas turkey in his Welsh top (doesn’t lycra stretch a long way….) he now began to feel like he’d been in the oven for a couple of hours. Added to this his legs didn’t appear to be working; “F**k, back to being last” he thought.

Eventually he made it to the top of the last climb where Vino stood holding the gate open and just managed to resist the temptation to slam it in the Lantern’s face for making him wait there so long.

Downhill the lantern thought; much better…….. As his glasses slowly misted over he began to revise his opinion. Coppi meantime was laughing with the sheer pleasure of no longer going uphill. The lantern was just congratulating himself on narrowly avoiding missing the bend he always misjudged when he came to the next one and realised……he was very wrong. Having no choice but to go straight on he ploughed an impressive furrow, scattering debris before coming to rest next to big brother; the Candle, with nothing worse than a blown front tyre.

Whilst the distant sounds of Coppi’s whoops of joy suggested the rest of the peloton were carrying on regardless the boys set about repairing the damage. One blown tube later it was discovered the tyre had a big slit in its side wall. Candle sorted this by inserting a gel sachet (Coppi before you weep at such a waste it was an empty one!!) and pronounced “It’ll hold as long as you take it steady”. Having managed to contact ground control the boys headed down gingerly to be met by Vino who had sportingly volunteered to come and find the boys. He then proceeded to turn round and cane it back down the hill and all prospect of taking it easy vanished.

Eventually the peloton regrouped and the Candle explained his impressive deeds whilst the Lantern desperately sucked air into his lungs. Coppi appeared to be still high on adrenalin (or was it poppers??).

The reformed peleton rocketed down to Maentwrog and turned for Blaenau where Vino, Matinee and the Candle made a break for the café. The Patron, Chris and Peppers shepherded Coppi and the bewildered Lantern through Ffestiniog, a place almost as dour as the Lantern’s mood.

Eventually after much sweating, farting and cursing (and that was just the Lantern) and Peppers telling Coppi about four times “This is the last drag honest….” the remnants of the peloton arrived at the café stop.

The Lantern sat with Peppers and bemoaned how bad he was going; much worse than last week. Peppers, every ready with an encouraging word replied “There wasn’t much climbing last week”.

After ingesting some lovely food at the café the peloton set off again with Coppi discussing the curse of “café legs” (looked more like chicken legs to me…) with anyone who’d lend him an ear. The peloton kept together down to the main road back to Bala but blew apart on the first climb after that.

Vino, Matinee, Patron, Chris and Peppers fought out an epic duel by all accounts (well theirs anyway) and achieved Mach 3 just after the rafting Centre whilst flying back to the cars (how Coppi and the Lantern longed to do just that!!).

The Candle flickered on that first climb but wasn’t snuffed out and provided the hare for Coppi and the Lantern to try and reel in. Once they got within 10 yards but the bastard wouldn’t wait and the effort finally told on the two runts of the litter and Candle came home alone.

Coppi and the Lantern did keep a respectable pace on the way back, averaging between 18-20mph but they couldn’t make any impression. Every hundred yards or so Coppi uttered either “That climbing killed me today” or “This is the hardest ride I’ve done”. The Lantern could only marvel that he had any breath to spare as he fought to keep his chubby frame in touch with the flying dead Italian.

At last Bala came into sight and the dynamic duo just about had the energy to wave in recognition of Vino who was riding back to his car before arriving back at the car park.

Thanks as always to all the Crapis for waiting and encouraging the Lantern who had his worst day on the bike for at least………three weeks!! Apologies to Vino and Matinee for the paucity of their mentions but the Lantern really didn’t see that much of them today.

Thanks to the Candle for his ingenious repair that enabled the Lantern to complete the ride. An inspection at the end showed the gel sachet was just starting to bulge through the hole….but it held.

Thanks to Vino for coming back for us.

Despite being so sore I emit involuntary noises every time I tackle the stairs, I thoroughly enjoyed the ride so thanks again lads and hopefully see you all next week.